Issue #23/78, November 18 - December 2, 1999  

[sic] AND LONELY

ok first of all let me tell you something.if you dont publish this letter,id consider you to be a fucking pussy,given the fact that you were my role model,oh yeah i always wanted to be like you.you know i cant imagine someone as fucked up as you are,seriously what the fuck is wrong with you.ok you know whats realy pissing me off all the letters you answer,i mean you are not insulting people anymore.i loved that one when the lady was being serious about you saying that JFK was stupid and shit,it was cool to ask her for a picture for her snap er cunt i mean.i think you schould start taking the piss out of more people you are getting realy boring.here is something to get you going. fuck you,and again and again

oh something else i would like to know why you keep on making fun of russia,do you think its funny or something,well your kind of dumb so let tell you this ,its not funny its sad,asshole.just think about it if it wasnt for this country you would be on the steets begging for bread by now.or maybe you would be waiting for a job as a crapy journalist at an unemployment office,shit i think thats funny.let me tell you something,maybe russias having some problems but its a great country whether hilarious ass likes it or not.you know what im thinking right now,im thinking that shit head is going to answer me(oh if you didnt get it,i mean you),maybe you will go something as dumb as i 'you schould read the exile more offten'.or something even dumber well my predictions wont be good enough,i hope you prove me wrong on that one.

i feel ashamed of myself sitting here wasting my time to write to someone like you,but i just have to tell you my true feelings towards your smart ass responses.

i think thats enough for today ill be back

now you can fuck off and answer my letter

oh by the way my name is
motaz

Dear Montaz,
You schould read the exile more often.

X MARKS THE BRUCE

Folks:
Just read your cover story. Great work. The article was a terrific combination of reporting, law, and creativity. The "extraordinary hubris" comment was itself extraordinary!

Bruce Marks
Counsel for Avisma

Dear Mr. Marks,
We'll send you the bill for the article. We bill hourly, as you know, so this won't be cheap. Normally, we'd be willing to take your case on a percentage-basis, but since you're squaring off against uber-Harvard-villain Jonathan Hay, we're going to have to play this one a little conservatively.

THE FULL MORON-TY

Mark,
Myself and a good mate are planning to visit Moscow in January of next year and we're looking for the kind of adventures that comfort old men in their twilight years. I've seen reviews about clubs that charge a mint and make you feel like a well-behaved consumer, girls that are yours as long as you pay, and on the flip side the innumerable dating sites full of girls who only want marriage and a very very serious man. My partner in crime and I are looking to meet the people, drink the drink, root the people, drink the root etc etc. How do I access the warmer element, can you pick it up in a cafe, is it so obvious that only an Amish could miss out. Can you give me some advice?

Edward.

PS I think you're doing a great job and extend sincere gratitude to you for your column.

Edward

Dear Edward,
You dirty old limey pervert, stay away from Mother Russia, will you? You'll stink up the neighborhood!

DIOCHROMATIC CANADIANS

I write in response to your recent evaluation of the revamped/renamed Chesterfield/Boarhouse, specifically in regard to the following statements:" Shame on you Doug Steele. As a fellow Canadian, I thought you would know better than to play by the rules of our southern neighbours; we Canadians look to Europe, not to the United States, for cultural inspiration."As a "fellow Canadian" I am disappointed to learn that you still "look to Europe for cultural inspiration." Firstly, though dismaying, it is foolhardy to discount the U.S.'s influence on Canada, seeing as over ninety percent of the films and music we consume are of American content. Secondly, Canada is no longer a country of just Europeans. Perhaps you have yet to visit Canada's west coast, to take just one example, where peoples from Pacific Rim nations make up a significant part of the population and have considerably influenced the cultural milieu. Should these Canadians also "look to Europe?"

Thirdly, Canada is no longer a country of colonial children but a nation of mature citizens who have made their own significant contributions to the arts and sciences and who have made an international reputation for themselves as peaceful, tolerant people, quite a feat in this day and age.

I don't know about you, Stuart, but for my "cultural inspiration" I won't look to Europe, but rather home, to Canada.

And finally, I was most saddened to read the final statement in your article in which you advise "couples with self-respect" to follow your example and not return to Doug Steele's supposedly shameful relic of a past irresponsible, wild, and immoral Moscow. Surely one thing that distinguishes Canadians from their southern neighbours is their tolerance and resistance to telling others how they should live. A Chesterfield goer myself, I am also disheartened by the increasingly seedy nature of the place. But while the frequency of my visits may be curtailed, I will continue to stop in and have a look. And I assure you, Stuart, that I am able to visit the place with or without a partner AND maintain my self-respect.

The more "Duckish" the Boarhouse becomes, the more of a Russian cultural icon it seems. Some of Russia's first museums were "kunstkameri," the Russian for museums of oddities or what we may now consider freak shows.

One could argue that Kunstkameri have become somewhat of a reoccuring cultural motif throughout Russia's history. Wasn't the Hungry Duck and isn't the Boarhouse a perfect example? People have always been intrigued by the strange and gruesome, no less now than hundreds of years ago and in Russia the more so. In fact, it was a Russian philosopher, Mikhail Bahktin, who drew attention to the role of the carnivalesque in society.

It seems possible, Stuart, that at some time in the distant future, you'll once again surrender to your curiosity and stop in for a peek...just to see if there's anything new, something you can judge yourself against. Perhaps that day will never come, but all the same, I'll keep an eye out for you.

Candidly Canadian,
Christina

P.S.-- Tell Amy I can show her a few moves to avoid feely fingers while dancing, but the best remedy would be to give up Ricky Martin.

Dear Christina,
We were all behind you until you brought up the Bakhtin thing. For dropping that grad school middlebrow's name, we're going to punish you by allowing Stuart Pratt to reply:

LIDYA ZERO

Dear Matt Taibbi,
In your previous letters column, you said you criticized Gregory Feifer of the Russia Journal and said you were "dumping his books." What does that mean, actually? Have you really read any of his books? If so, are you just jealous that he's had two books published? Or were you referring to the books on his bookshelf at home? If so, how do you know which books he has? Please explain.

Sincerely,
Lidya J. Hibbard
Cambridge, MA

Dear Ms. Hibbard,
Thanks for letting us know that you're from Cambridge, MA. As Daryl Zero, the world's greatest detective, once remarked, "Like most Ivy League graduates, [she] drops the name of her Alma Mater with almost no prompting at all." Incidentally, you may want to pre-order your copy now of Matt Taibbi and Mark Ames's book, "The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia" through one of the on-line book dealers. We think you'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll agree with us that Gregory Feifer is uncommonly short and ugly.

[sic] DONE RIGHT

Dear eXile,
Not to be a dick or anything, but how would you teabag a platypus? I don't think they can arch their heads back that far, and they'd have to, since their upper bills are longer than their lower ones.

Sincerely,
George Stevens

Dear George,
After lengthy consultation, we have concluded that yours is the best and wisest letter this newspaper ever received. That star we've been praying to-- it's you.