In the November 26, 1998 issue of Rolling Stone, an article appeared chronicling the ups, the downs, the virtues and vices, foibles, and zany anal-heroin fetishes of eXile editors Matt Taibbi and Mark Ames on news stands across America, leading to a slew of letters from our new American fans. We'd like to have welcomed them aboard our [sic] reader write-in section, but unfortunately, those Rolling Stone readers' letters were too well-composed, thoughtful and intelligent to qualify for our [sic] page. Luckily, local eXholes came through as always with their unique combination of dyslexic wit and Gilligan-ian pathos. Thanks guys for pulling through. This one's for you!
WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS
KISS MY ESQ
Readers will recall the scandal from last issue when a certain "Esq." bullied a special friend of the eXile, Mr. S.B. Karki of Fanza's Chinese Restaurant, for not comping him a free drink after a simple exchange rate mix-up. We probably should have just never told Mr. Karki, because now, going by his native Indian philosophy that "a guest of mine is a God," has made the best amends he could with Esq. by delivering $200 worth of charity to the Center for Humanitarian Aid on Bolshaya Ordynka Ul., dom 80/2. Below is Mr. Karki's plea for Esq. to forgive him, and to show this forgiveness by letting bygones be bygones and popping in for a friendly, freshly-cooked meal of Moscow's finest Chinese food. Also, we've scanned in the stamped fax from the Tsentr Blagotvoritelnoi Pomoschi
I hope Esq. will understand us. "Fanza" shall still wait for his visit.
Jeez, Esq., look into your heart! Even a double-secret l.l.m. pit bull like y'rself has got to show a little human compassion. We suggest you let go of your hard-boiled front, take your special girl (or lady friend) down to Fanza, shake Mr. Karki's hand, and tell him that all's forgiven. Heck, in this global village, folks, we all have to get along with each other, or god knows what kind of madness we'll face!
strange enough but havent you notice the weird desire of the "i'm-the-only-honest-jerk-here" politics to blame other, hiding under the frocks of "look-bill-has-f**ked-monica" journalists. hey are you afraid, poli-suckers? why cant they just look the people they accuse in the face and be "cool" enough to bear a glass of orange juice thrown at them? why cant they present "$500,000-in-a-xerox-box" facts, that will really-really make the bad boys sorry and ashamed? i've been dwelling upon this for quite a time but no more or less reasonable answer is willing to fill the empty space and fit any logical theory on common sense. could any(living)body or at least any "i'm-not-yet-rotten" corpse of the X-pats help me make head or tail of the fact? if "lets talk it over outside" is the most "connu" russian way of settling the matters then maybe the poli-suckers are all J... oops, sorry... god chosen people? if this is to be proved positive then i withdraw my claims and leave this country. it's not that i'm an "antisemit" i just don't want to live in israel for any time a banc blows up they look for terrorists and not for the reasons it didn't work.
chiao, bambino, sorry,
p.s. it would be rather nice of you if you leave a "world crisis tour" t-shirt for me specially 'cos "i love you guys!!!!!!!!!! [etc.]? isn't that cute?
FRUSTRATED LYNN LAYS SELF BARE-Y
[Here he quotes last Saturday's Moscow Times]:
"We all know the stereotype of the single expatriate woman in Moscow: smart, attractive and home alone on Saturday nights watching videos, while the expatriate men are having fun with young Russian beauties who throw themselves at their feet.
"Well, guess what? It's wrong. [...] Most say the stereotype is absurd. One suggested it was the creation of the newspaper the eXile with its crude insinuations 'that expat women aren't getting any.'"
Dear Mr. Lubeck
Anyway, all this is neither here nor there, because what we're most interested now is how our gay readership is doing. Guys 'n Butches, write us and tell us your stories, will ya?! We're all on the same team now!