the eXile - Knock-Knock!

#20 | October 23 - November 5, 1997

In This Issue

Who's there?

Political has-beens lead a tough life. It's not just that they've lost their perks, their power, their status. No, worst of all are the snubs they have to endure. And no political has-been is more rudely snubbed that that has-beenest of has-beens: a dead political has-been.

We decided to test this theory by arranging a Russia tour for long-deceased has-been and former slimeball Richard "Dick" Nixon. The pretext was that he was combining yet another fact-finding mission-one of many Nixon World Tours he took long after his forced retirement to give the impression that he was an "elder statesman" -with a book-signing promotion for his newest work, "Notes From the Other Side."

To test the former president's has-been status in Moscow, we tried to see what his chances would be of getting into the most eksklusivny restaurant in town, the ElDorado (yes, it's spelled without a space). See, to get into their restaurant, you need to be a member of the ElDorado club, which isn't easy for plebes like you and me. How difficult is it for the late architect of detente?

eXile: I'm calling on behalf of Richard Nixon, the former president of the United States.
ElDorado: Yes.
eXile: Well, he's coming to Moscow soon and he would like to become a member of your restaurant so that he can get in any time he wants.
ElDorado: It's possible to do this, but he needs a member of our club to recommend him for membership first. I hope that your people know someone who is a member of our club who could recommend Mr. Nixon.
eXile: Well, actually we don't know anyone. Is it really necessary to get that recommendation even for Mr. Nixon?
ElDorado: If you want to reserve a table, just call in advance.
eXile: No, I want to get a membership in your club for Mr. Nixon.
ElDorado: Well, you can come to our club, and if there are any free tables, of course we'll seat you.
eXile: No, that's not what we want. So he really needs a recommendation, even if he's the former president of the United States?
ElDorado: Yes.
eXile: Well, h'm, okay. Thank you very much.
ElDorado: Not at all.

With that snub-o-la, we backed off and realized that even a dead Tricky Dick can't get no respect, even here in Moscow. Better to try setting up the book tour instead.

We called Rubicon Books to see if they would be interested in hosting a Nixon reading and book signing. We were afraid that given the fact they are an English-language bookstore, they might remember that Nixon had died a few years back.

eXile: Hello, Rubicon Books?
Rubicon: Yes.
eXile: Can I speak to your director?
Rubicon: His name is Ernst Bonchunovich Yan. He's Korean.
eXile: Oh. Uh, does he speak Russian?
Rubicon: Unfortunately, yes.
(later)
eXile: Hello Ernst Bonchunovich, I'm an assistant for the former president Richard Nixon. He would like to come to the Rubicon to promote and read from his new book, "Notes from the Other Side." Sort of based on Dostoevsky's "The House of the Dead," but with a twist. Would this be possible?
Rubicon: This sounds wonderful! Call me at home. (gives his home telephone number) We'd arrange everything so that Mr. Nixon's reading would be properly arranged and beautifully done. Please call back so that we can arrange it. When is Mr. Nixon coming?
eXile: Probably early next week.
Rubicon: Well, that's wonderful! Call me back at home and we'll arrange everything.

Gosh, Dick, there IS a Santa Claus! Next, we worked on arranging a place for the deceased former president to stay while in town. A hotel, we decided, would be too obvious, and keep the late president far from the ground-level. Better to have him sleep among the filthy, jansport-totin' backpackers, to get a sense of "what the kids are feeling." First, we called Traveller's Guest House, then Bed & Breakfast.

eXile: I'm calling on behalf of former American president Richard Nixon. He's coming to town on a fact-finding mission and a book tour and we'd like to book some rooms at your hostel.
Traveler's Guest House: Uh, really? How many?
eXile: There'll be about twenty-five in his entourage.
Traveler's: Well you know, this is a small hostel. Mostly foreigners stay here.
eXile: Mister Nixon is a foreigner too.
Traveler's: I know. The thing is, we have space, but our rooms are simple. There's a a bed, a chest and a window. And that's all.
eXile: Well, Mister Nixon wants to lie down and be with the people. He's tired of being around charlatans. He wants to get a pulse on the youth.
Traveler's: I see. Well, we have space if he's interested.

Bed & Breakfast: O moi god (in Russian)! 20 person entourage?! With the president?! You understand, we have apartments in the Belorussky Vokzal area.These are typical Soviet-style apartments. Five days a week a maid cleans up, and there are food items in the refrigerator. I would be more than happy to warm up my apartments for President Nixon, but the problem is that the apartments aren't all in one building or in one podyezd. I can only tell you what would be. You probably have 2 minivans and you'd need an hour to get everyone together from our apartments.
eXile: That's true. Thanks a lot. I'll call back when we decide.
B&B: Oh no, thank you! And please tell Mr. Nixon that I'm a very big fan of his.
eXile: Well, he's putting out a new book so you can buy it.
B&B: I most certainly will!

Now that we found a place to stay, the deceased former president will naturally need to find facts to make the whole trip worthwhile. What better venue for a corpse to visit than one of Moscow's top meat factories, the "Moskovsky Myasa Kombinat 'Mikoms'.

eXile: I'm Richard Nixon's assistant-you know, the former president of America?-and he's coming to Moscow next week for a fact-finding mission and a book tour.
Mikoms: (annoyed) Yes.
eXile: He'd like to visit your meat factory to learn about the changes in post-Soviet Russia, as part of his fact-finding mission.
Mikoms: But what exactly does he want to do?
eXile: You know, just walk around, see things, talk to people.
Mikoms: We can't arrange for someone to just "walk" through our factory. Our security will certainly not let him through. If there's some kind of specific offer that he has, for example to deliver our meats, then of course he can come.
eXile: But this is the former president, and he'd like to just see your factory and walk around.
Mikoms: Absolutely not. We don't have time for that. We want concrete proposals.

A dead president dissed by a meat factory? Now that's hitting an all-time low if we've heard of one. But perhaps the biggest dis of all is that NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON even remembered Nixon's death. Oh well. It's tough being a dead president, especially if your chances of winding up on a coin or dollar bill are about as high as... well... as getting into the Mikoms Meat Factory on a fact-finding tour.