#30 | February 26 - March 5, 1998  

Some people are just born with the gift of gab. Like Anatoly Chubais, for instance. Considering all the trouble he's been in, he must have a silver tongue six feet long to keep convincing Boris Yeltsin to leave him in government. Moscow Times interim editor Geoff Winestock is another example-living proof that flattery, particularly of diminuative ex-Maoist Dutch publishers, really will get you everywhere, or at least to a nice office on Ulitsa Pravdy.

All of which is nice-but will any of that help either guy get laid? Kings of the public arena, can either man in his private life ever escape his true social profile-as middle-aged white guys with tired peckers? We decided to find out, venturing into Infoseek's hardball chat rooms to see if thinly-disguised versions of our favorite Muscovites had enough game to score some smokin' cyber-trim. Our first stop was the "Literatzi" room, which we felt would be a natural prowling ground for web-surfing auteur and Deputy Prime Minister Anatoly "CHB-Ice":

"Litereatzi"
<Zige> hi Ice and Yan!
<CHB-Ice> Hello from Russia
<Zige> r u from Russia CHB-Ice?
<CHB-Ice> Hes, Zige. Where are you from?
<Zige> ethiopia
<Molly23> Dimensions?
<CHB-Ice> I wrote a book...any other authors here? What dimensions?
<Molly23> Your size.
<Zige> yes, alot..but not any u know of i think.
<CHB-Ice> Size of what?
<Molly23> Your thing in inches
<Zige> in ethiopia I mean what was your book about
<CHB-Ice> 7" uncut?
<Molly23> Another one!
<CHB-Ice> Another wht
(Molly leaves room)
<Zige> I said what was yr book ice
<CHB-Ice> Privatization. Actually I didn't write it it was ghost written. r u a writer, Zige? Did molly leave?
<Zige> no..nobody here is a writer.
<CHB-Ice> Sorry.
<CHB-Ice> Hello, dusty
<Zige> molly left. even if this is booktalk...there is not so much talking about books
<Zige> it happens sometimes tho.....

Ouch! Gotta remember not to bother with the resume next time. But would interim editor Geoff "SWINE32" Winestock fare any better in the "NetNoir-Ebony over 30" room? Hey, why not, right? Even Australian newspaper editors are the same color when the lights are out!

{800} 1 0 NTLM,ANON 512 *
{366} #NetNoir-EbonyOver30 End of /NAMES list.
<tookay> hi tlc
<brownTLC> hello easy does it
<SWINE32> Hello, anyone want to meet an Australian newspaper editor?
<bigahi> yes idid & u look cool
<tookay> where r u
<brownTLC> houston
<tookay> m/f
<SWINE32> Am I in the wrong room?
<brownTLC> all woman
<newgirl> yea
<blackrbj> just checking
<tookay> do u know Lady_B
<brownTLC> only from in the chat room
<newgirl> is it cold over there it is here in misawa
<SWINE32> Can anyone hear me?
<tookay> r u at work
<pretty62> brown male or female
<brownTLC> tlc is female 34 yrs of loving care
<blackrbj> it's not too bad here
<SWINE32> Anyoneinto S&M?
<brownTLC> lol
<bigahi> newgirl u know kee-kee
<pretty62> so sub u dont want to argue anymore
<blackrbj> what do you do new
<newgirl> bigahi im new and dont know anyone im trying to make friends
<SWINE32> Me too newgirl
<newgirl> Get lost whitey

Messsage receieved, mate! Loud and vegemitin' clear! Let me just slide back into my office here. Er...get Whitehouse on the phone! I want another IMF piece!

Unlike "SWINE", CHB-Ice, the master of the political comeback, kept on pluggin'-and finally found some sympathetic cyber-ears. After explaining that he was a lonely government official in Moscow, some friends in the "Learn How to Chat" room gave him some moving advice on how to play the love game:

<buns23> Why? What kind of job?
<CHB-Ice> I'm in government, buns. How are American girls different from Europeans?
<DEWbaby1> ACTION goes over and fixes re cup of strong black coffee, little cream, no sugar?
<supermaint> ACTION passes re-kindle a cup of coffie
<grizzly> CHB, women are the same everywhere they always lik love and tenderness
<CHB-Ice> they are not golddigers?
<DEWbaby1> ok
<DEWbaby1> ALL women r not golddiggers
<buns23> i'm not!!!!!
<BLONDIe> lol re
<DEWbaby1> me either
<BLONDIe> Me either
<DEWbaby1> material things, NOT
<re-kindle> jueeezzzzzz, what a fool
<CHB-Ice> All women are not golddigers, or not all women are golddigers?
<grizzly> i guess valentines day sweetness is still hanging on
<DEWbaby1> both, ice
<re-kindle> no they're not, chbice
<BLONDIe> LOVE WILL GET YOU THRU TIMES WITH NO MONEY BETTER THE MOENY WILL GET YOU THRU TIMES WITH NO LOVE
<CHB-Ice> They are here
<buns23> thats right blondie!!!!!!!!
<DEWbaby1> yep
<BLONDIe> CHB here women can make there own money and dont need a man to support them
<DEWbaby1> thats it
<grizzly> sometimes you have to dig through the garbage to find the diamond
<BLONDIe> thats right grizz
<DEWbaby1> yep
<re-kindle> women just want respect, love, and someone to give them shopping money....lol
<BLONDIe> A good man is just icing on the cake

Like CHB-Ice, we had to wonder: do all American web-surfers think in cliches? We decided to try to impress upon them the gravity of CHB's personal situation:

<CHB-Ice> You don't understand. "Shopping money" here is quite considerable.
<buns23> you got it re
<CHB-Ice> But I know what you mean
<re-kindle>lol
<shy> hi
<BLONDIe> This is one woman who hates to shop so don't worry ice
<re-kindle> ACTION says "shopping is my life"
<shy> Ok thanks
<DEWbaby1> hardly ever shop here, too ice
<grizzly> BLONDIE, MARRY ME
<CHB-Ice> My problem is that I have so much work tphat I can't pay enough attention to a woman.
<buns23> ACTION asks everyone to say hi to shy......very shy!!!!
<BLONDIe>HIIIIIIIIIIII shYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
<DEWbaby1> hi shyyyyyyyyyyyyy
<CHB-Ice> HI Shyyy!
<re-kindle> then ice, i guess you're not ready for a relationship yet, until you are in a position to devote the time.
<re-kindle> hello shy
<CHB-Ice> Well, re, I occupy sort of an important government post- I don't really ahve a choice
<DEWbaby1> i think its a cop out to say u dont have time, excuse me, but if u want the time, youll fid it, right?
<BLONDIe> then ice you need a woman who can exist on her own and not live for you
<shy> Thanks buns23 for this nice welcome
<re-kindle> that's cool, it's ok to prioritize your life that way, just be prepared to accept the outcome
<grizzly> or income
<CHB-Ice> lol grizzly. lol!
<BLONDIe> yea grizz or income
<CHB-Ice> Ok, Blondie, bu if you had a boyfriend who was deputy secretary of stae or something- would you leave him if he didn't spend enough time at home?
<BLONDIe> but grizz if she lives her own life she wont need your income
<BLONDIe> that depend ice, im pretty independent and have lots of things to keep me busy if we spent some special time together i think i could handle it
<re-kindle> yes, ice...something like that is very important to some women...they need a companion, not a gov't figure's picture to look at every once in a while
<re-kindle> but to others, the status and lifestyle of being on the arm of the gov't figure is what is most important!
<CHB-Ice> Well, special time would be good- it's not the status, it's that, well, this is corny, but the country sort of needs you
<re-kindle> shy, female
<DEWbaby1> thats it grizzly
<re-kindle> ACTION tells ice he's outnumbered in this room, brave soul for trying to reason with women!
<BLONDIe> Ice if that person wanted a family then he wuld have to sacrafice right along with me
<buns23> lol at re
<CHB-Ice> thankyou, re
<BLONDIe> and so would the country
<CHB-Ice> lol
<re-kindle> absoutely, blondie!
<re-kindle> unless you're clinton, and then monica needs you!!
<re-kindle> lol
<BLONDIe> lol re you aint right
<CHB-Ice> UNfortunagtely, my country wouldn't see it as a sacrifice if I resigned! So no problem!
<BLONDIe> ice you seem like you want a relationship...your country doesn't like you?
<CHB-Ice> I have many enemies.
<SAUSAGEHOUND> hello
<BLONDIe> Don't worry about your enemies, ice, when the right woman comes along everything will fall into place
<buns23> are you sure blondie??
<CHB-Ice> Thanks, buns
<re-kindle> ACTION wonders why the deputy secretary is in a chat room on monday morning talking to us when he should be taking care of iraq
<re-kindle> lol
<BLONDIe> re be nice
<re-kindle> no, i am...it was a funny!
<grizzly> ice, when you find that diamond you will know it
<CHB-Ice> Iraq is your problem, not ours. I'm waiting for a meeting with British Petroleum. About the Rosneft auction!
<buns23> lol @re
<BLONDIe> thats right grizz
<re-kindle> i feel honored! The what auction?
<re-kindle> ice, where are you?
<CHB-Ice> Moscow, Russia. Rosneft. It's...never mind
<re-kindle> oh sh@t, i didn't know
<shy> Where do you guys come from?
<re-kindle> ACTION gets down on one knee and kisses ice's ring on his hand
<re-kindle> ice, i'm in florida..that's united states of america
<BLONDIe> i wanna go to australia
<re-kindle> land of the free, home of the brave
<CHB-Ice> Ok, back to work. Red phone's ringing. Good bye, all. It was nice meetingyou.
<joiseygirl> forget to change
<buns23> by ice!!
<BLONDIe> bye ice good luck