HI, I'M BOB HOPE

Dear (sico),
After boring me to tears with your sudeo nneosovietologist analysis, yo finally returned to your roots. The Moscow Times edition like the sex scandal "Rocks"!! Please continue.

You guys have only one journalistic mission in life and serious commentary it ain't. Get with it, how about an America Chamber of Commerce issue, (Man of the Year, son of a missionary caught in the missionary position with Austrailan farm boy) Or other contemporary issues like irate landlords kneecap tenants for turning them into the tax inspectorate.
Glad to see you are back on track,
Nothing but the best,
Zholti

Dear Zholti,
You might want to consider dropping everything and going into comedy for a living. That missionary-pedophile joke had our offices doubled-over in gasping-for-air, holding-our-sides laughter. Jokes like that are like eclipses or comets, or even Bob Hope reruns. Call us for your "I'm a hopeless moron, and all I got was this eXile T-shirt" T-shirt.

THE SPICE GUY

Lads,
Sorry to even imply any form of compliment (as the backlash is bound to be painfull) but the 1 April edition was absalutny Klass (or however the fuck you spell it).
Regards
A Brit....
(PS. Fuck em all bar one and he can fuck himself)

Dear Mr. Brit,
We didn't actually do that April 1 edition. The Moscow Times did it, they're just too modest to admit it. So send all your compliments to Geoff Winestock, tel. 257-3010. He needs a little encouragement these days, so a simple call to tell him "thanks for lightening up my day" will go a long way. If you call him, we'll even throw in a "I Have Bad Teeth, and all I got was this Stupid eXile T-shirt?" T-shirt, courtesy of Saville Row tailors.

THE BALTIMORE [SUC]

Dear [sic]
I live here in boca raton, florida...the safest fuckin town (not to mention clean) on this planet...thanx for your great paper and articles...but ive only just started reading...do u have have any old articles u can email me..id like to know how u all got over there and started the paper..and why does some chick from the baltimore sun want to put u out of biz...
jason

Dear Jason,
That chick from the Baltimore Sun wants to put us out of biz because she thinks we're too damn hairy, and if there's one thing Kathy Lally just can't stand, it's guys with hairy asses. As she wrote to us recently, "Sorry Matt and Mark, I went too far-but I just thought that two guys with hairy asses had no right publishing a newspaper, and I didn't know how to convey that properly. I still think you should be closed down and tossed in jail until your hair falls out, but please understand, it's nothing personal. It's a question of hygiene." Oh, and for the record-that quote was fabricated, but only slightly.

QUEASY-AR

Dear eXile,
I work for a certain foreign consumer goods distributor that had problems with a certain laser tag place and I was wondering if they ever paid you up, because they didn't pay us up. What's the deal with them? Is their manager still sweaty?
[name and company withheld]

Dear Request,
We'll tell you more in the upcoming issue. We've been assured by Quasar's senior management that there was a big misunderstanding and they plan to pay us for their ads they placed-this time, the promise came from the Russian side, and as we've learned, Russians are better at keeping their word than eXholes. In the meantime, we're following that expat laser tag tourney with increased attention.