[SIC]-serbient

Dear [sic],
I knew it from the beginning- you policy i/o selling it would eventually cause something like make you go biweekly.

I know that deep in your hearts you are all commo-socialist oriented and that for that reason you may refuse with disgust my suggestion meant to improve your pitiful position, but nonetheless I propose the following: you can install those paper stands where by instering money bills people can pay for your paper.

No kidding, this could kick you sky-high financially.
Signed,
Boris the Serb

Dear Boris,
Actually, the eXile will always be free, but if you're anxious to make a publisher rich, you'll be happy to know that the Moscow Times will shortly be selling its paper out of those very machines. But thanks for the idea, and give us a call the next time you go out ethnic cleansing.

[SIC]-A-MOLE

Dear [sic],
BIG BIG BIG thanx to everybody that you do eXist and give us wee kids the unique opportunity to learn the real English and to walk some more steps from the distilled pseudo-language which the uchebnik Bonk ejects onto our brains. Wow, it's great to enjoy such a delicious meal of fresh news and weird ideas wrapped in juicy slang and spiced in abundance with high-level styob. (Girls' data sheets: Xtra cool!) Special thanx to Matt Taibbi for the mashed potato made of poor Susan Sachs. Are you going to sue Sue?

Your eXile is really the only source of modern spoken language in written form except the internet; and on the internet there are too many people with incorrect spelling. As for other newspapers, I can catch them in shops, hotels, etc., the language of them is much too official, as if it's done for (and by) clerks, and while reading, I can't help imagining the authors in grey KGB-style suits.

And besides, I got an astaunding surprise on Page 2: Edichka is still alive! I promise to tell Mom & Dad that the hero of their dissident youth is till now safe and sound and even rather well-preserved (of course if the picture is not some years old). And he's still in his very repertory: pretending to be the most dissidentlike dissident of the Empire which is still existing for him. Well, it is a rather good way to explain to himself and to others why his netlenki and his epohalki are rejected by publishers: self-appraisal of an 'idea-fighter oppressed because of political motives' helps to ignore the fact that he is, frankly speaking, not a good writer. Telling stories about oneself does not being a writer. Everyone can write a good book if he, 1) has got a good plot, 2) knows his subject well, 3) is really interested in what he is talking about. Everyone knows his own life good enough and, as Carnegie used o say, is always interested in himself; and as to the plot, Limonov has the good fortune to have a biography which is already a good plot. If we call Limonov a writer, then we have to call a writer every baryshnya of XIX century as well, Ôcos all of them used to write diaries and six-pages letters to their numerous cousins and friends from the Institut Blagorodnikh Dyevits. And their Russian was, by the way, better than his...I mean grammar.But still, it was really interesting.
Love,
Olga the White Mole

Dear Olga,
The word is "nineteenth", although "XIX" was a nice try. Next!

A [SIC] RETRACTION

Dear [sic],
I do play Scrabble. I can be a megalomaniac and a demagogue. But I did not write the column that appeared under my byline and picture in the eXile's April 1 Moscow Times parody.
Regards,
David Filipov
The Boston Globe
Moscow Bureau

Dear "David",
Whatever you say, big guy. We didn't mean any offense. Still, it was kind of strange that you were the only MT contributor to come out looking good in our April 1 issue. Must have been an oversight on our part. The eXile apologizes for its error.

GLAND SLAM

dear [suck], (sorry for plagiarism)
it is all because your cover story which is so weak that no words can express it. all those babushkas...it is so sad...ridiculous (sp?). are you getting older, huh? so, just in case you need some feedback.

that was i didn't liked.

i liked:
1.opening [sic] section at www. nice indeed. here, you are certainly doomed to success (not to suck-cess as you normally are :). it is at least twice better quality than in other columns, because at least half of it isn't wrote by you.
2.some variance in your t-shirts. what about "i am a looser and i've got this underwear for free"?
for the moment that's all.
bacios&abbraccios (see spanish dic., dumbass :)

signed
al-r

Dear al-r,
We suppose it's our own fault, that we get so many letters from people who read like bad versions of ourselves-full of unprovoked hostility and obvious sexual frustration. And since we know we're at least partly at fault that we get letters like yours, it's tempting to just publish you without commentary, leaving your letter to stand as an ugly landmark to our own personal failings. But do you know what, al-r? We just can't do that in your case. You wanna know why? Because even the heavyleggedest, not-laughingest eXile-hating Friends-watching eXpat woman in the world couldn't hold us responsible for the way you turned out. You came to bat here with the lameness bases loaded and just knocked the ball out of the park. You're out of our league. You can't spell (who puts a "sp?" in parenthesis in a "nasty" letter?), but that's not the problem: the problem is the little net smileyfaces pockmarking your faux-menacing text, your painful jokes (If "I'm a looser and all I got is this underwear for free" isn't a cry for help, we don't know what is), the preadolescent spasms of haggard masturbatory anger, seemingly directed at no one in particular, ejaculating all over the page...Look, al-r, take our advice. Don't heckle professional comedians in writing unless you can do so in complete sentences, and without spelling "loser" with two Os. We suggest you start by writing in your own language. We're just trying to help. Don't worry, things will work out in the end. You'll get a girlfriend eventually. Just don't fixate on the pretty ones. Go out with girls you can be friends with. Then, when you find one with whom you feel comfortable, and you start to relax a little bit, write us a better letter, in Russian. Rip us all you want, but make sense this time. Then, and only then, will we give you a t-shirt. Until then, take care of yourself, study hard, and, most importantly, stay out of our hair, you no-t-shirt collecting, striking-out-in-chat-rooms, can't-write Russian dipshit.