Issue #21/102, Oct 26 - Nov 9, 2000 
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How to Eat the Pizza
You’ve read the reviews. You’ve seen it through the open windows of passing limousines, resting in the laps of smug millionaires. You’ve dreamed of it at night only to lose your resolve in the morning. You think you’re ready—but are you? When Jack’s Pizza delivers the world’s most violent pizza to your doorstep, what will you do? Will you know how to eat the eXile pizza? Or will you fumble the bra-strap—and lose your nerve forever?
Fear Not. Just follow these simple instructions, and the eXile pizza can be a part of your life forever. The giant sausage-shaped “X,” the flaming red peppers, the creamy mounds of ricotta cheese, the strong roasted garlic, the onions, the peanuts—no longer will these things be mysteries to you. Follow these five steps, and you will be… initiated.
1. The first time you eat the eXile pizza, you must eat the peanut slice first. Fail in this and Jack’s will never deliver you an eXile pizza again.
2. Your second slice—depending on your tolerance for spice—should either be the ricotta slice not abutting the sausage-and-pepper X, or a ricotta-and-sausage slice. The ricotta has a calming effect on the palate.
3. Breathe through your nose and curse violently as you exhale.
4. Eat the onions third and the garlic last. Your breath at this point should be visible, and you should feel your back hair rising.
5. Kiss your date on the mouth. Grab her breast roughly. You are a man, and you have eaten.
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