the eXile - Other Shite

Issue #21/102, Oct 26 - Nov 9, 2000

Other Shite

PRE-PUBESCENT SEX TIPS

by Mark Ames

Hi girls ’n boys! It’s me again, Mr. Ames. But remember, you can just call me “Mark.” That’s right, it’s me, your aging hip counselor who’s down with the kids. See, the most important thing here if we’re going to connect is that you feel totally comfortable with me. I want you all to just relax, take a deep breath, and open yourselves up, because I’m your friend. So pull up a beanbag, turn your baseball caps around so that the bills face in a backwardsly direction, loosen up your Docs, and let’s get jammin’! A’aight?! Who wants to rap first?…

Dear Mark,

Okay, so we were playing “spin the bottle” at a party last week at Jen’s house. And all the grade were there. And then it landed on Brad Turner when I spun it, and so we french kissed the way you told us to in your last column. Brad is this totally cool guy who’s like the best skateboarder in our class. Anyway, when he spun the bottle, he wound up making out with Ally Beeber, who’s this total bitch who thinks everybody likes her. Anyway, sorry, the thing I wanted to ask you was this. See, I saw Brad and Ally making out again after the game was over, they were in the bathroom. I’m so, so, so angry. What should I do?

Charlene Molinari (call me “Char”)

Sixth Grade

Char,

Sounds to me like you’re in a rough spot. There’s probably not a lot you can do to get Brad back from Ally because in all likelihood she is hotter than you. When girls your age are “total bitches” and think everyone likes them, it’s usually because everyone does like them. There’s nothing you can do about that short of changing your genetic coding, and you don’t want to go doing that, do you Char? No, I didn’t think so. However, you can make life tough on him and therefore make sure that if you can’t have it, she can’t either. Here’s how. I would suggest that you start telling your friends that Brad has a tiny penis. This upsets boys and men a lot. Tell them that you grabbed it when you made out with him, and it was so small you would have needed tweezers to hold it. Brad will be devastated and there’s no way that Ally will stay with him if she wants to maintain her rep. In order to give this rumor “legs,” you may want to think of a nickname for him, like “Needledick.” If you use it enough, other kids will find it funny and use it too. And Brad will have to skate to another school district.

Dear Mark,

Can I get a girl pregnant by grabbing her thingies? Last week during P.E. I came up behind Lori Hill’s back and really fast I squeezed her thingies, then I ran away. Then after that, Mr. Vicks, our school principal, he gave me a week of detention. He told me that I could have made Lori pregnant. But Mrs. McManus, my teacher, told me that this wasn’t true, but that what I did was wrong and stuff. Still, I’m scared that maybe Lori Hill is pregnant and I don’t want a baby.

Andy Werther

Second Grade

Andy,

Mr. Vicks is absolutely right: you could have got Lori pregnant. What you did is very, very serious. If you’re going to squeeze girls’ thingies, then please make sure that you wear latex or plastic gloves for protection. America’s pre-pubescent pregnancy problem has ravaged our inner-cities enough.

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