the eXile - Other Shite

Issue #21/102, Oct 26 - Nov 9, 2000

Other Shite

EXILE SPORTS NOTES

The Jordan Rules

Achieving excellence is one thing. Getting people to appreciate it is another matter entirely. In a world where brevity is the soul of saleability, the excellent among us are often forced to take short cuts to to put themselves in context for the masses. And when it comes to excellence these days, there’s only one name that will do, in terms of getting the point across, and that’s Michael Jordan’s. You have a tendency to prematurely ejaculate-but are you the Michael Jordan of premature ejaculators? At some point or another, it’s a question we all have to ask ourselves. Face it; if you’re not the Michael Jordan of your field, you have a lot of work to do. But if you are...

This week, the eXile ran a search of publications and websites of the phrase “the Michael Jordan of”, just to see what would turn up. If we were right, the search would help us locate all that human excellence which we have long suspected has been all around us, without our noticing.

As it turns out, the world is full of Michael Jordans. Some of them we knew already, and we left their names off the list. After all, eXile readers hardly need to be told that Tiger Woods is the Michael Jordan of golf, that Garry Kasparov is the Michael Jordan of chess, that Picasso is the Michael Jordan of modern art. There were publications out there who were willing to point this out to U, the reader, at length, but we spared you those testimonials here.

Sometimes the search for one Michael Jordan brought us two instead. For example, we were surprised, when we ran our search, to see an article by arch-moron New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman pop up on the radar screen. Friedman was a known quantity to us: we’d written about him several times as being among the clumsiest political writers of all time, the all-time champion of dangling participles, split infinitives, and other worthy writer-y habits. Specifically, we knew him as the king of mixed metaphors. As our own John Dolan wrote in his review of Friedman’s book, “The Lexus and the Olive Tree”:

‘Friedman comes up with dozens of glib, sloppy metaphors implying that there is no way out of “globalization-Americanization,” and that anyone who tries to resist will be stampeded. He refers to the wired-up leaders of the movement as “the Electronic herd,” which tramples anything in its way. He takes the cattle-herd metaphor further, dividing the wired American elite into “long-horn” and “short-horn” cattle, and adds that the herd is served by the “bloodhounds” of financial-rating services like Moody’s.

Friedman doesn’t seem to know that cattle herds aren’t usually guided by bloodhounds.’

Now we were in a situation where we were picking a Friedman quote at random. Would what he have to say elevate him to the very top of his game? In identifying his own Michael Jordan elsewhere, Friedman himself became the Michael Jordan of mixed metaphors with this offering:

‘America today is the Michael Jordan of geopolitics — the overwhelmingly dominant system.’

Uh... Michael Jordan was great, all right, but was a “system”? We’re not sure. In any case, we’ll leave America off the list-it can stand in a corner with Kasparov and Woods and the other too-obvious candidates. Friedman qualifies, though. Here are some other Michael Jordans you might not have known:

Name: Thurman Thomas

Profession: NFL running back

Quote: “I am the Michael Jordan of this team.”

Notes: Thomas’s quote came on the eve of Super Bowl 26, which the Bills lost to the Redskins, 37-24. He was responding to Bills offensive coordinator Ted Machriaboda’s statement that quarterback Jim Kelly was the “Michael Jordan of the Bills’ offense.” Thomas rushed for 13 yards on ten carries.

Other Shite Name: Hector Olivera

Profession: organist

Quote: “Olivera swept the audience with absolute Olympic virtuosity... He is the Michael Jordan of organists.”

Source: Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Name: Herbal V

Profession: Male potency medicine

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of safe alternatives!”

Source: Herbal V website

Name: Keith Hattig

Profession: Pro baseball player

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of Guam baseball.”

Source: Eddie Siguenza, the Guam Variety

Notes: Siguenze was referring to the basketball-playing Michael Jordan, not the baseball-playing one

Name: Agra-Services

Type of business: Customs broker

Quote: “Agra-Services is definitely the Michael Jordan of Customs Brokers.”

Source: Agra-Services advertisment.

Name: Ted Leonsis

Profession: America On-Line executive

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of the Internet”

Source: Talk Magazine

Name: Liz Caroll

Profession: Irish fiddler

Slavish quote: “Your playing, as usual, makes the few hairs I have left stand up and I feel more confident than ever in referring to you as the Michael Jordan of the Irish fiddle.”

Source: The Liz Carroll home page

Name: “Q-bert” Profession: Hip-hop DJ

Quote: “If you don’t know him by now, you shouldn’t be on this site. But for those that are just discovering the hop hop culture and all the mental satisfaction it brings, think of him as the Michael Jordan of turntablists.”

Source: InterVUE magazine, as told to “Djouraliz”

Name: Domenico Caraceni

Profession: Italian tailor

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of Italian tailors”

Source: Forbes Magazine

Name: David Boies

Profession: Trial attorney

Quote: “The year has established him as the Michael Jordan of the courtroom.”

Source: National Law Journal

Other Shite Name: Walter Peppelman

Profession: Spine Surgeon

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of spine surgery”

Source: Harrisburg Magazine

Name: Professor John Sullivan

Profession: Head of the human-resource management program at San Francisco State University

Quote: “[Sullivan]... thinks about, writes about, and talks to companies about these make-or-break questions. He is the Michael Jordan of hiring.”

Source: “How to Hire the Next Michael Jordan”, by Gina Imperato, an associate editor at Fast Company

Bonus: Imperato identified herself as “The Michael Jordan of Business Writers”

Name: Brian Foster

Profession: BMX racer

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of BMX racing”

Source: New York Times

Name: Joe Fishman

Profession: Drummer for Phish

Quote: “I said, pointing to my set, ‘This isn’t bad for $200.’ And he looked it over and said ‘$200? That’s about right,’” Saxon said. “This was a big highlight. He’s the Michael Jordan of drummers for me.”

Source: Dave Saxon, drummer for the band the Illtet

Notes: Phish finally broke up this year

Name: David Acres

Profession: Shade tobacco picker

Quote: “The Michael Jordan of shade tobacco pickers.”

Source: Cigar Life magazine.

Other Shite Name: Ralph Roberts