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Dispatch / May 4, 2009

Predator C - Over Glorious Victor Valley

A Predator C Drone Soaring Over Victor Valley, CA

Last week, I found out that they got Predator drones flying just around the corner from my McMansion. A reader tipped me off to the fact that General Atomics, the company that makes these sissy planes, operates a test flight facility near a dry lake bed situated on the edge of a hellhole called Adelanto. I know, can living out in Victorville get any fucking cooler?

I finally made it out there last Friday in hopes of seeing some Predator flybys, but got there a little too late. It was 4:30 p.m. and the desert wind was starting to blow hard, slowly kicking up a sandstorm. The ATViers were already packing their gear up into their RVs and heading out. These were no conditions to ride in. A wave of sand would engulf the lake bed every five minutes or so, blasting your eyes, blocking out the sun, filling your every orifice with microscopic grains of sand and bringing visibility down to a foot or so. It looked like a scene straight outta those Iraqi sandstorm videos circulating on YouTube.

Despite the hellish conditions, two guys had set up a picnic table crammed with heavy-duty laptops and stubby antennas that looked like Nerf arrows painted black. The roaring, flesh-stripping wind made it impossible to communicate with any certainty, but, apparently, they were from some hi-tech surveillance outfit from San Diego testing their equipment in the field, intercepting the Predator’s video signal when it flew by.  They told me I had missed the drone by about 20 minutes.

El Mirage Lakebed

On the way back home, I stopped by a local dive. It was just me and three locals, and they were all on real friendly terms. When I walked in they were talking about some washed out former local beauty queen that had a nasty meth habit and a real ball-busting way about her. “Would you let her do you? You know she would with her big black strap-on,” a guy in mechanic overalls, who was sitting with his wife, said to a wiry patron nursing a beer on the other side of the bar. “You know I would,” he answered, smacking his own ass over and over. After some taunts from the bartender, the woman sitting with her husband flashed her big white bovine tits. These were deep Adelanto locals. They had been coming to this bar for over twenty years. And they were waxing nostalgic. “This is a beer-only bar now, but I remember when the owner used to sit in that corner and pass the bottle of whiskey to the customers.” Ah yes, those were the times…

These people spent their whole lives out here, so they knew the comings and goings of the military like no one else. A group of 50 Italians came through the bar a few weeks ago for Predator training. Some of them were pilots, others operated drones out in Iraq. The story about the fighter jet that fireballed down in the desert was the biggest highlight in recent memory. “An F-22 crashed out here about a month ago,” one of them told me. “The pilot ejected, but he did it too late. He was buried right into the sand. That’s 200 million dollars destroyed—just like that.”

“Now they’re testing the Predator C. You know, they’re developing one with jet engines. It has to accelerate up to 300 mph before taking off,” the wiry guy added. “I live just on the other side of the road. I only seen it fly over once, but the thing is loud as all hell. Fast, too.”

The Predator C is still top secret. Pictures and basic specs were leaked only a few weeks ago, and it’s pretty obvious that General Atomics is trying to create a cheap fighter jet replacement. It’s got an internal bomb bay that can pack 3,000 pounds of weapons and uses a stealth design borrowed from the F-35 Lightning II, or so they say. You can be sure the C is not going to be used for  reconnaissance missions. The thing is just too damn fast. So fast, in fact, that Adelanto’s flight space is too small for them. “The space the FAA gave them to do their tests isn’t enough. I think they got it expanded.”

It might not be good for spying on Paki outhouses, but it’ll sure blow them up good. Real good. We’re too pussy to fight them like men, but hot damn, we make our weapons look real perty.

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24 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. yabadabadoo  |  May 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    It’s not that we are pussy to fight them. You got it all wrong. Are you pussy that you don’t fight cockroaches man to man? That you spray them?

    Think of this equipment as advanced roach spray dispensers.

  • 2. wengler  |  May 4th, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Don’t fear the machines controlled by machines. Fear the machines controlled by other people.

  • 3. Suchan  |  May 4th, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    All this technological advancement for the purpose of killing and destroying. Yea, the world needs more of that, especially the most weakest and abused people in Afghanistan, Iraq and the tribal regions of Pakistan.

    The United States can’t stand up to nations like Saudi Arabia and Egypt (which produce, by far, most of the world’s terrorists) because they’re too powerful, so in response to 9/11 the U.S. butchers Afghan and Iraqi peasants instead.

    During the cold war it was the same. Can’t beat the Chinese in Korea? Can’t fight the Soviet Union because they have nuclear weapons? Let’s kill millions in Southeast Asia instead. Hey, at least it looks and feels like were doing something to stop the spread of communism, right?

    Nothing Al Qaeda could say or do inspires more people to fight than the actions of the the United States military and for creating all this misery and hatred the United States citizenry worships them with abject devotion and claim that those soldiers are killing illiterate Afghan goatherders and Iraqi peasants, who live in the slums and gutters of Baghdad, for their freedom. Why do the citizens of the United States have to believe absurd lies for the sake of people who serve them in the military?

    All this is doing is planting more seeds of revenge. The United States is so in love with itself it can’t imagine how much hatred it’s capable of inspiring even when seeing the dramatic increase in Taliban and Al Qaeda recruitment due to its actions.

  • 4. captain america  |  May 4th, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    i dunno. i’m american and people love me when i’m abroad. that might be because i’m unusually charming and attractive, though.

  • 5. Ghost  |  May 4th, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Wut. Will Americans be let fighting any new wars except bum fighting Ames covering now?

  • 6. Matt  |  May 5th, 2009 at 1:07 am

    Skynet’s gonna be laughing it’s goddamn ass off

  • 7. captain america  |  May 5th, 2009 at 4:48 am

    wut?

  • 8. crashtastic  |  May 5th, 2009 at 5:00 am

    Yeah! Pussies! Like those Maoists who wouldn’t stand up and fight fair against the Japs and Chiang Kai Chek! And the Viet Cong, that wouldn’t line up in nice napalmable rows! And the Mau Maus, wimps! Why weren’t they all manly like the Iraqis in Gulf War I?

    Note what all those others had in common? They won.

    Talk to the War Nerd, dumb@ss – you fight to kill. You fight to win. You use every weapon you have to do it. This poser “mano y mano” sh_t is for Professional Wrestling, Fight Clubs and armchair Generals.

  • 9. P.M.Lawrence  |  May 5th, 2009 at 5:49 am

    The Mau Mau didn’t win. If anything, they delayed Kenyan independence compared with other African colonies because the British had to achieve at least a cessation of violence before pulling out, no matter how much was still there under the surface.

  • 10. Jasen Comstock  |  May 5th, 2009 at 6:06 am

    I don’t get the Americans are pussies for using technology line. I like drones, pilots are goddamn useless.

  • 11. Plamen Petkov  |  May 5th, 2009 at 6:52 am

    Sucha, you got it right 100%. But then again, USA has NEVER fought a real war against a real enemy. Even during WWII they waited until the Ruskies whipped the German’s ass then they HAD to get involved cuz Russia was marching into the heart of Europe and was pretty much gonna take it all.

    Planting the seeds of revenge is exactly what USA wants. It MUST have enemies to fight so its military-industrial complex can make money while the USA is the ONLY country in the industrial world that doesn’t give its citizens any type of medical coverages.

    PS. I have YET to see a REAL Ali Q’eda member caught and brought to trial. Ali Q’eda is an invention of the Jew media.

    yabadabadoo: the real pussy here is YOU, bub. Let me see you go to Afghanistan and stand up to those tough muthers. They will whip your ass in 5 minutes fast. It’s easy to call them cockroaches from afar. Go ahead, show us what a real man and go there is you are so gung ho and fight for “democracy and freedom”.

  • 12. FOARP  |  May 5th, 2009 at 6:55 am

    Man I sure wish I was you man. U so rock!

  • 13. Eye  |  May 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    American military playing with expensive toys. Your tax dollars at work, losers!

  • 14. aleke  |  May 5th, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    If you really think those drones are winning, or that they are even a marginal BENEFIT, all you have to do is look at Pakistan.

    That’s where we use them, and that’s where extremists are getting closer and closer to annihilating CENTCOM with a couple of tiny bombs.

    There’s uses for those drones, but it’s not in any way the way we’re using them. Might as well have sent real pilots, at least we wouldn’t be losing the propaganda war as badly.

  • 15. 1of6billionSheeple  |  May 5th, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    big brother might use those to control its citizens. How are the citizens going to fight back? shoot in the air?

  • 16. geo8rge  |  May 5th, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Why can’t the Taliban buy some RC kits from the, is it still the Japs? Seriously why can’t the T just buy some balsa wood RC models, mount a bomb, wing tanks, and fly into a Cargo plan. Sure the bang won’t be much, but it doesn’t take much bang to convert $250M of cargo plan into a pile of junk pushed to the side of the runway by a bulldozer.

    Forget about pussies, I think the T are unimaginative and lazy.

  • 17. Mac  |  May 6th, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Why would they bother about cargo planes when they can just keep on blasting convoys in the Khyber pass? That’s where the vast majority of the equipment and supplies heading into theatre in Afghanistan is routed through. That’s where they can deny Nato/US troops vital supplies. And that’s their home turf anyway.

    KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid

  • 18. RT Carpenter  |  May 10th, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    60 Minutes (CBS) did a puff-piece on the wonderful, dedicated family men who are the “pilots” of these Predators. Unfortunately the bombs frequently wipe out wedding parties and other innocents. CBS even bragged they got exclusive access to “secret” material for their film. The timing–Mothers Day and the latest claim of over 100 innocents killed may have motivated our pentagon information office (propaganda) to counter the bad news with something poitive.

  • 19. denk  |  May 11th, 2009 at 10:02 am

    “Sitting in a virtual cockpit is not as exciting as flying a fighter jet”, noted CNN’s breathless Laurie Ure, “but unmanned attack-plane pilots can enjoy a normal workday schedule”. Captain Matt Dean agrees, “seeing bad guys on the screen and watching them possibly get dispatched, and then going down to the Taco Bell for lunch, it’s kind of surreal”.
    http://tinyurl.com/5rw2fg

  • 20. Lone Biker of the Apocalypse  |  May 17th, 2009 at 4:09 am

    1of6billionSheeple is thinking what I’m thinking. All this “urban combat training”, surveillence and “enhanced interrogation techniques” aren’t meant for a bunch goat herders in Mesopotamia, it’s going to be turned on the American masses. The ones who protest wars, Third World “immigrants” flooding our country, western culture being being displaced and destroyed, and the NWO. And what better way to avoid pilots who don’t want to bomb their own people than with drones, where the killers operating them can do a 9-5 and go get a taco afterward.

  • 21. Jack Boot  |  May 25th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Here come the Ringwraiths…

  • 22. Vomit boy  |  June 8th, 2009 at 11:22 am

    WHEN THEY TAKE THE NEXT CENSUS, THEY’LL BE TAKING GPS COORDINATES TO YOUR HOUSE TOO. I’M NOT SHITTING YOU. WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY’RE DOING THAT FOR? MAYBE IF THEY DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THEY CAN SEND ONE OF THESE THINGS BY TO SAY HI?

  • 23. The Realist  |  June 25th, 2010 at 7:20 am

    You people are so paranoid! The stuff some of you come up with is astounding as well. No census will ever take a GPS of your house, because googleMAPS already does that well enough, thank you!

    As far as the government destroying it’s own turf with a drone? Hold ya breath, you might have better chances of getting abducted by aliens. Collateral loses would be too high for the “”BIG BROTHER”" to do something like that.

    Maybe you guys should take the time to play sports or something, because you all watch way too much movies and TV apparently. Nothing that massive will ever happen in your living years. Besides, we only have 2 of them left anyway!

    HAPPY END OF EARTH!! LMAO

  • 24. The Realist Again... lol  |  June 25th, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Just kidding we’re not going to all die in 2012…
    I wouldn’t want any of you to take that too seriously! You seem like a VERY impressional bunch. I don’t need any suicides on my account! Keep on living your delusional dreams, special, “SPECIAL” retar… o_O! … dreamers! X-D


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