War Nerd MC’s First Man O’ War O’wardz

The War Nerd / December 18, 2008

By Gary Brecher

Well ain’t that nice: Bono got another award. That’s what will help our world be a better and nicer place, Bono getting another award. What makes this one even more sickening than the rest is the name of the award: “Man of Peace.” That’s right: in case any of you had any doubts, on December 16, 2008, a bunch of moldy international moochers got together and officially named Bono this year’s man of peace.

There are a lot of people worth hating in this world, but I can’t think of anybody more in need of two bullets in the torso and one in the head than our friend Bono. Or whatever his name is; “Bono” is the name he took when he started his little Christian-classic-rock ensemble U2. I guess it was an homage deal to Sonny and Cher: “Saint Bono, who was martyred by a ski-slope tree.” And the wacky name they gave their band, , U2, like “you too”—how’s that for witty and inclusive at the same time, the kind of humor even liberals can get. These guys were like the wits of the eighties, as you can see. Bono’s boyfriend from their Christian high school renamed himself “The Edge,” which is even funnier. When you think edgy, you sure think of guys like the boys in U2, edgemeisters like Bono who once booked a first-class airline ticket for his cowboy hat.

So here’s my contribution to fair and balanced: I’m inaugurating the first annual Man O’ War O’Wardz to commemorate the people who are trying to make the world a better place through war.

And I’m dead serious about that. There are times and places when war helps and “peace” hurts. Like the case of the man who gets our first MO’W O’Ward: General Laurent Nkunda, leader of the Tutsi militia in Eastern Congo. Nkunda is not only the coolest-looking guy on the planet, like a praying mantis in human form, he’s probably the most brilliant commander actually working on a front line right now. With as few as 3000 men, he’s in effective control of a huge chunk of Eastern Congo.

And he’s doing good by making war. A lot more good than Bono’s doing. Bono’s approach to Africa is to treat Africans like retards who need fulltime care. He wants the West to be Quakery with Africa, forgive them their debts so the sleazy leaders can run up some more billions to spend on estates in Europe. Send them more free food so the birthrate can rise without a hope in Hell of jobs and an infrastructure to support the kids they’re popping out. The idea behind Bono’s plan, if you can even call it an idea, is something like, “They’re so hopeless we have to give them everything and hope for the best.”

Now take my man, Laurent Nkunda. He came up out of nowhere, never asked anybody for a thing. Nobody even knows much about him because he’s always played his biographical details very close to the flak vest. He whipped a small Tutsi militia into such fantastic shape that it chased the gigantic robbin’, rapin’ army of Congo right out of the bush. And he did all this while his people, the Tutsi, were being slaughtered all through Rwanda. Nobody helped him or the Tutsi. Not Bono, not nobody. The first time the bleeding hearts got worried about Rwanda, and this is a matter of “historical record” as they say, was when RPF, the Tutsi militia, chased the Hutu genocidaires out of Rwanda with their pangas still dripping Tutsi women and kids’ blood. Then the UN came out in force, with all the free food and sympathy even Bono could ask.

The Tutsi didn’t complain. They don’t do complaining. They’re like the Prussians, tall and grim, and just as likely to be wiped out, too. They took back Rwanda and forgave the Hutu murderers.

The Tutsi, this little tribal army carved out of the survivors of the worst genocide in decades, kept walking west out of Rwanda and walked into a giant vacuum called “Congo.” The Congo Army was a dirty joke and collapsed when the disciplined Tutsi units approached, and the little army marched all the way to Kinshasa, where the leaders, including Nkunda, were fobbed off with fancy titles while the Kabilas, father and son, went about making the usual sleazy Congo deals with the Katanga rich boys, divvying up the country fresh. Nkunda was promoted to general in the Congo Army in 2004, but as he watched his friends from the bush picked off one by one, framed for treason or other joke crimes and disappeared, he got the idea that Kinshasa wasn’t a healthy place for a real man of war. That kind of peace was too dirty for him.

And there was work for a soldier back in eastern Congo. The Hutu genocidaires, those wonderful specimens of humanity who were sulking in the forests there after being forced out of Rwanda before they could finish off “the work” of killing every last Tutsi infant, responded to the Tutsis’ totally unprecedented softness and failure to take revenge by massacring and raping all the Tutsi civilians they could catch in Congo. It was like they decided to franchise Tutsi genocide to their new location.

That’s when Nkunda’s little army went in, to flush them out and protect his tribe. By this time Nkunda was commanding Tutsi units that had been “integrated” into the Congo Army, the 81st and 83rd Brigades. His units quit the Congo Army (which is run by and for Katanga mining barons and their tame officers) and fanned out through the bush to scatter the Hutu death squads, who fled without putting up a fight as usual.
If it weren’t for Bono and the UN and all the other Good People, the Tutsi would keep marching to victory. They’d carve out their own country in Rwanda, Burundi and Eastern Congo. And it would get rich in a couple of generations, once everyone around learned not to mess with it. And then there’d be actual peace in Central Africa, a kind of peace made by the locals, on local terms that everybody could understand: this is Tutsi country, so behave. We’re tougher and smarter and better-disciplined than you, and we want things productive and calm.

Well, that’s a natural, sensible outcome, so the Good People can’t stand the idea and they’ve declared Nkunda a “war criminal” in spite of the fact that the Tutsi forces have shown unbelievable restraint by any standards, never mind Congo standards.

As far as I can tell, it’s because Nkunda is a great man that the Good People hate him so much. Bono and his billionaire friends don’t want Prussian Africans. They want basket cases they can get their pictures taken giving handouts to. So excuse me if I say Nkunda, the man of war, is a better man on his own terms and in terms of making a better Africa, than Bono O’Phoney will ever be.

Gary Brecher is the author of the War Nerd. Send your comments to brecher@exiledonline.com.

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26 Comments

Add your own

1. jonny.m | December 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
If this version of events is true (and I’m pretty sure it is, since brecher does good research), why would the UN and Western powers wait for the uprising to start sending relief? The timeline presented here almost makes it seem like the Western powers were on the Hutu’s side. I find that hard to believe, unless there’s some business angle I’m missing…
2. blowback | December 18th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
The business angle – the raw materials (such as coltan for mobile phones, diamonds, copper, cobalt and gold) in Eastern Congo which should make it one of the most prosperous countries in Africa
3. tim | December 18th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Ultimately, Bono’s worst crime will always be his music.
4. General Foods | December 19th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Daddy’s gonna pay for your crashed car.
http://tinyurl.com/3wudls
5. gerboy | December 19th, 2008 at 8:47 am
John lennon bought it, and that sack of shit Bono is still yammering away, there is no justice in the world.
6. MeatProduct | December 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Another awesome article from the War Nerd. I swear man, I’ve probably learned more about how Africa really works from your articles than I ever did from CNN & friends.
To johnny.m’s point, Brecher wrote an earlier article about this guy where he elaborated a good bit about developed-world (mostly French) support for Hutus and for the genocide. Check Wikipedia if you still don’t buy it.
7. thehamish | December 19th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Been a fan of ‘ol Nkunda for a while now and its about time he got some recognition.
8. Colin | December 19th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
You know, why the UN decided to carve up Africa along the colonial lines is beyond me. No, wait, it’s not because they’re ineffective western fucktards that, like Bono, think they know better than anyone else. It’s not as if the national boundaries of today are anything close to the tribal boundaries that the nations really should be separated by. Brecher’s right. There are some wars that need to be fought, some fights that will ultimately bring peace where there will be none until there is an ultimate victor.
9. Lorraine | December 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I actually agree with you about Bono. But you really need to do some more in-depth research concerning Nkunda and what he has been doing for the last 10 years. He and his men murdered 200 civilians in Kisangani and there are eyewitness testimony claiming that his men are responsible for the 150+ civilians murdered in Kiwanja (there is footage of his second in command in the village the day of the massacre). How does wholesale slaughter of civilians make him a “good” soldier?
10. beafdog | December 19th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
hey Lorraine- or should I say Alsace?
did any of your sources on the Kisanjani “massacre” provide a convincing reason why the UN peacekeepers didn’t lift a finger to stop it when their base was less than a couple miles down the road? Take your Africa reporting with a grain of salt-
Have you forgotten about the nearly one million innocent civilians murdered by the Hutu, now hiding out in the eastern Congo? get your priorities straight.
11. Stephen K. | December 19th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Speaking of this guy as “the coolest looking guy”, I saw this picture of him in National Geographic this summer, first time I ever heard of him, where he’s sitting on a hill in a suit with this silly cane and guards around him…has anyone else seen this? It’s ridiculous.
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/07/virunga/stirton-photography.html
12. tommacko | December 20th, 2008 at 12:20 am
Stephen K., that’s not ridiculous, that’s style.
Even in the middle of a brutal jungle conflict, he keeps it representin’.
13. Lorraine | December 20th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Hey beafdog–you can say sweet (as in Nat King Cole’s “Sweet Lorraine” for those who are unfamiliar with Mr. Cole)
The UN was not in Kisangani at the time (and I have friends and colleagues who were) and as for Kiwanja–no one has charged the UN with the massacre (as for MONUC and its effectiveness–well that is another topic altogether). I take ALL reporting with a huge grain of salt.
Have you forgotten about the 5 million + Congolese who have died as a result of the seemingly never-ending conflict in the Kivus…and let us not forget the assassination of the Presidents of Burundi and Rwanda and the Hutus who have been slaughtered by the Tutsis…and the murderous presence in the DRC of Kony and his LRA….
I am not the one glorifying a man who has the blood of innocent civilians on his hands while at the same time claiming to be a “Christian” pastor.
Why do you say nothing about people like Dr. Mukewege, a courageous man who has tirelessly worked to heal the women who have been so savagely raped in the Kivus? His life has been threatened, his hospital destroyed more than once and yet he continues forward.
Mystified
14. Stephen K. | December 20th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I’m not saying I don’t love it. It is ridiculous though.
15. Oksana | December 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Stephen K – being a girl I’ve had an eye for Nkunda for some time. I have to say he looks incredibly exciting and I would [censored] him any day or [censored] if that’s what he preferred.
16. tomarse | December 20th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Yet again, a terrible article based on lies and deception. Clearly Gary doesn’t read these comments cos he’s totally ignored the previous demolition of his fawning buttlicking of the murderous minority Tutsi dictatorship of which Nkunda is a representative.
This intellectual dishonesty is bad enough in itself, but when it’s used to proclaim a piece of murdeing scum, justifying his crimes on the basis of a self-defence revenge fantasy, totally ignoring historical context and the reality of the rape and pillage of the Congo by the Tutsis, makes Gary no better than his arch-nemesis Victor Davis Hanson.
Bono is an ignorant scumbag whose self-promoting meddling is undoubtedly doing harm to Africa. In ignoring the truth of the situation in central Africa and glorifying mass murderers, is the war nerd any better?
17. Jono | December 21st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Tomarse,
What lies and what deception? Your post is useless without arguments. Data first please, when, where, who and what corroborating sources?
18. tomarse | December 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 am
Jono, I posted that under Gary’s original article about Nkunda, check it out there.
19. Jono | December 22nd, 2008 at 5:38 am
Tomarse,
I have checked out the comment and the link to the Taylor site…
While the history is many layered I still find it hard to see who isn’t interpreting the situation in their preferred way. Accusing anyone of lying seems too extreme. At best there are two tribes of homicidal maniacs who kill and rape each other whenever one has the upper hand. At this moment the evidence points to the Hutus being the worst offenders. After this point there seems to be a successful general with a few men who is making an impact. Whether it is for personal gain, political backers or some other reason it is impossible to say right now…
20. tomarse | December 23rd, 2008 at 2:09 am
Jono,
At no point did I say anything that would contradict what you’ve just posted. I’ve never said that the Hutu weren’t the worst offenders, but at this point I’ll point out I’m agnostic about it because those acusing the Hutu’s generally completely ignore or totally deny the atrocities committed but Tutsis.
The narrative on Rwanda is analogous to WW2 history starting with the genocidal bombings of Dresden, Tokyo, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki, and ignoring the crimes committed before that by the Axis powers, and in doing so arguably denying the Holocaust, which is pretty much what Gary did.
If Gary knew what really happened, which largely contradicts what he’s written, then he lied. I don’t believe he did know, which for a self proclaimed war nerd may actually be worse. Gary got his info somewhere. Wherever that was, they were lies and deceptions.
21. aleke | December 26th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Quality article
22. Kurt | January 1st, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Brecher, you’ve had a week to comment on Gaza. I’m getting impatient here.
23. pakk | January 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Nkunda’s army is an extension of the RPA (Rwandan Army). It is there because 1) the Rwandan government needs Congo’s mineral riches to finance Rwandan ‘prosperity’; 2) somehow all these banyamulenge (i.e. congolese tutsi) fighters recruited by the RPA since 1996 must be kept busy, or they might turn against their own masters.
Looking for good guys and bad guys in the whole Tutsi-Hutu narrative is a futile effort. Kagame is as totalitarian as Habyarimana was. I mean totalitarian in its textbook sense, with a) maximum power centralization, b) massive indoctrination, c) preventive repression. Totalitarianism is the Rwandan political culture since 19th century at least. Funnily, Rwanda was considered an “african success story” by the West both under Kagame and Habyarimana; both have been Western pets.
All Rwandans are well-organized – when it comes to killing as well, – both Hutu and Tutsi. As far as the body count is concerned, the hutu really leaped ahead during the genocide, but the tutsi caught up with them in Congo in 1996-2000. It’s difficult to know the exact figures; statistics are not reliable in this part of the world, if you know what I mean.
And how the genocide came about to happen is quite a dark story actually. Otherwise Kagame and the French would not be hating each other so much.
Really, the story of tutsi self-defence has been used and abused since 1994. It has been employed to justify anything that Kagame and his underdogs were doing.
The Americans have now turned against Nkunda not because this ‘general’ is of any importance on his own. The fact is that the outcry from the Congolese as to what the Rwandan Government has done to their country has become too much to ignore. The message is therefore for Kagame: pal, we really like you and your lovely little fascist country, but you can’t play the “poor tutsi / western guilt” game forever.
24. Kasonga | June 5th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Please avoid writting about things that you don’t know and come to grips with reality.
25. ngabo | June 16th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I totally agree with the author of the article when he says that Nkunda is great man fighting for the great cause and making a great fight. what I rather criticise is when you say that he came from nowhere and nobody helps him. May be the author needs to resource afresh to know the answers to the above questions. Publishing here where Nkunda came from and who helps him is not my intention. but I know the answers. The author of this article should also know them. the most important is to know that Nkunda s been fighting for the right cause and he did it well. To me this explains that he came from a good palce and he got good help without forgeting to mention that he used it well. Let me conclude by adding that tending to forget where he came from and who helped him was probably the cause of his failure.
God bless
26. Johnny | July 31st, 2009 at 9:37 am
Great entry on Nkunda and shedding some light on the African situation.
Excellent site.
Had it not been for a guy named Alex Linder, I would never have heard of Nkunda or your article.
Thanks.