Lost amid the furor over the takeover of the Media Most empire is the following crucial truth: that of the key figures on either side of the controversy, none of them would be genuinely sexually appealing to any comely 16-year-old virgin girl.

The eXile wants to be the first publication to just come right out and say it: the world is dominated by the desires of sixteen year-old girls. Most political and economic activity on this planet is driven by the desire for sex with 16-year-old virgin girls. And not just sex, but sex with a willing, stimulated partner. Sex with a girl who blushes and sighs just to be near you and falls into a deep sleep with her head resting on your chest and a dreamy expression on her face; sex with a girl who likes pony rides and licorice and scribbles your name on the cover of her science notebook. That, and that alone, is what everyone wants, and this has been largely overlooked in the seemingly endless discussion of the NTV affair.

None of the principals in the NTV affair would do much for the average 16-year-old virgin girl. They’re all too old and gross. In fact, the parties involved fairly faithfully represent the full spectrum of the despair of the aging male before the exacting standards of the 16-year-old virgin girl.

On the one hand, there is Yevgeny Kiselev; he represents the aging man who has not yet learned to accept that he will never again be sexually attractive to the 16-year-old virgin girl. To the embarrassment of the entire country he has tried every trick money can buy to keep him in the game—elaborate hairstyles, a bushy mustache, designer black turtlenecks, grave props such as gold fountain pens which he seductively chews on camera, feature spreads of airbrushed photos of him jogging in shorts in celebrity magazines. But none of this can change the fact that a 16-year-old virgin would run screaming from his Sperm-whale-like corpulent torso if he were to try to disrobe in her presence. All of those accessories would frighten and disgust her, rather than stimulate her. Kiselev knows this, but he can’t help himself, and this has been an overlooked fact in the discussion of the NTV case.

On the other hand there are the government people laying siege to NTV: Vladimir Putin and Mikhail Lesin. These two men represent the opposite side of the Kiselev coin. They are aging men who know they can never again be really attractive to the 16-year-old virgin girl. But they don’t care. Men who reach middle age and can be frank with themselves about their undesirability to 16-year-old virgins are usually considered “strong”. They are considered selfless protectors because they continue to live even though they no longer have a reason to live, sex with willing 16-year-old virgins being the only real reason to live. When one does not have a reason to live for oneself and knows it, and yet still continues to live, then it follows that one must be living for the sake of others. Neither Putin nor Lesin is really after sex with 16-year-old virgins; they are willing to concede this to others in exchange for money and power. For this we are grateful, because we want those 16-year-old virgins to ourselves. That’s why we vote for those guys. That’s why, deep down, we don’t mind the fact that they’re taking over NTV. Let them have NTV. Let them have all the media. Just don’t let them take our 16-year-old virgins.

Nothing is better than sleeping with a young girl when you’re still young enough to mean something to her. The time when we can still have these experiences is the best of our lives. When it passes all we can think of is getting those times back. This has been left out of the discussion of the NTV affair. No one has mentioned it. The eXile believes that it should be mentioned. We think that, if we’re going to talk about what’s important here, we ought to at least talk about that.

This article was originally published in Issue #111 of The eXile, March 2001.

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