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eXile Classic / October 2, 2002
By Field Marshal von Paulus

European Union

By Dr. Dan Higgins

The main thing about all the fucking Europeans hating each other is that it just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I mean, its not like there’s any real fucking difference anyways — they all dig Mickey D’s and Planet Hollywood, they all drive those faggy minicars unless they can afford an SUV, there’re soccer fags everywhere, and pretty much everybody that counts speaks English with a shitty accent. It’s all just a fucking act.

It reminds me of how all the Phi Delts said they hated the other frats even though really we’d all party together. Everyone knew it was bullshit but you still had to keep up appearances.

What it really fucking comes down to, is that they hate each other because they aren’t American enough, even though they’re trying hard to be more and more like us. Look at it like this: all the frats would stop talking shit about whichever one was throwing a big fucking party with free beer. Europe’s interested in America just like the frats were interested in the beer. It fucking unifies them. Only, whereas the frats would alternate who threw the keggers, no European country can be America. Like there’s only one Sigma Chi, and then a whole bunch of Alpha Delt dorks.

So the fucking differences aren’t even that different. Europe is just a shittier, second rate version of America. There’s nothing you can find there that you can’t find at a mall in the US, but there’s all sorts of shit in the US you can’t find in Europe. All the cities have that European look to them, all the toilets can’t clean the shit off of the sides when you flush, everybody lives in a little fucking apartment with no elevator and spends tons of fucking money on shitty little cups of coffee that don’t hold a candle to Starbucks. Except in price.

Another way you know it’s an act is, if they fucking can’t stand each other so much, why the fucking euro? I mean, do you think Americans are impressed? Quit pretending and just use the fucking dollar, don’t go making some new stupid looking bills with fags whose names I can’t pronounce on them.

I know there’s a whole shitload of reasons for the envy. Think about it — imagine if you had to admit that Hard Rock blows away every restaurant in your city. Wouldn’t you want to live in the fucking US of A, where you can let it all hang out?

The worst thing though is that the European women all wear scarves around their fucking necks and they don’t fucking put out. I mean, they make American bitches seem like target practice.

My only point is that Europeans need to fucking quit pretending like each country is unique. It’s not like it’s fooling any fucking body. So why the fuck do they bother? I guess that’s another reason they’re fucking inferior.

Eastern Europe

See the corresponding chart…

Eastern Europe

This was it: site of the Eastern Front, the unchallenged Superbowl of European ethno-violence, where the big boys had it out not once, but twice, to see whether the concentration camps of the future would be decorated in black or red. Yessir: from the long hot summer of 1914 to the Spring of ’45, the trains rolled across these endless plains, carrying the crosscurrents of a thousand village feuds with them. The big question mark here was what would happen when the Soviet oppressors repressed Easties’ natural longing to kill their neighbors — or at least poison their dog while nobody was watching.

Welp, when the Evil Empire was rolled back, and its repressive peace overthrown, it turned out that the Easties’ deep genetic hatreds had survived intact! One of the first dividends of the new era of freedom was the sight of ordinary folks from Bratislava to Gdansk expressing themselves, demanding the renewal of ancient, revered blood-feuds. Viewers thrilled to hear minor tax disputes enlivened by old village war-cries like, “These Slovaks are drinking our blood!” or “Where a Ukrainian has passed, not even a Yid can find a crumb!”

Today ethnic hatred flourishes on the air, in the streets and along all the complicated borders of this colorful old madhouse we know as “the Big, Bad East.”

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Add your own

  • 1. Salak  |  January 20th, 2009 at 3:27 am

    Reading this I’ve realized how funny is to live in the intersection of the Balkan and the BBE.

  • 2. Vendetta  |  December 13th, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    This is gold.

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