European Union

By Dr. Dan Higgins

The main thing about all the fucking Europeans hating each other is that it just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I mean, its not like there’s any real fucking difference anyways — they all dig Mickey D’s and Planet Hollywood, they all drive those faggy minicars unless they can afford an SUV, there’re soccer fags everywhere, and pretty much everybody that counts speaks English with a shitty accent. It’s all just a fucking act.

It reminds me of how all the Phi Delts said they hated the other frats even though really we’d all party together. Everyone knew it was bullshit but you still had to keep up appearances.

What it really fucking comes down to, is that they hate each other because they aren’t American enough, even though they’re trying hard to be more and more like us. Look at it like this: all the frats would stop talking shit about whichever one was throwing a big fucking party with free beer. Europe’s interested in America just like the frats were interested in the beer. It fucking unifies them. Only, whereas the frats would alternate who threw the keggers, no European country can be America. Like there’s only one Sigma Chi, and then a whole bunch of Alpha Delt dorks.

So the fucking differences aren’t even that different. Europe is just a shittier, second rate version of America. There’s nothing you can find there that you can’t find at a mall in the US, but there’s all sorts of shit in the US you can’t find in Europe. All the cities have that European look to them, all the toilets can’t clean the shit off of the sides when you flush, everybody lives in a little fucking apartment with no elevator and spends tons of fucking money on shitty little cups of coffee that don’t hold a candle to Starbucks. Except in price.

Another way you know it’s an act is, if they fucking can’t stand each other so much, why the fucking euro? I mean, do you think Americans are impressed? Quit pretending and just use the fucking dollar, don’t go making some new stupid looking bills with fags whose names I can’t pronounce on them.

I know there’s a whole shitload of reasons for the envy. Think about it — imagine if you had to admit that Hard Rock blows away every restaurant in your city. Wouldn’t you want to live in the fucking US of A, where you can let it all hang out?

The worst thing though is that the European women all wear scarves around their fucking necks and they don’t fucking put out. I mean, they make American bitches seem like target practice.

My only point is that Europeans need to fucking quit pretending like each country is unique. It’s not like it’s fooling any fucking body. So why the fuck do they bother? I guess that’s another reason they’re fucking inferior.