Virtually every unmarried person-and certainly every unmarried man-who reads Moscow newspapers knows what he’s looking at when he sees an ad for “Massage.” Though The Moscow Times long ago disposed of the word in favor of the even more meaningless euphemism “Introduction,” The Moscow Tribune and advertisers in a host of other Moscow papers (including our own) still insist on calling prostitutition services “Massage.” A man seeking “massage” in this town can specify the hair color, height and even bust size of his “masseuse.” But can he get a massage-particularly if, after contracting a mildly contagious disease, he really needs one?

The eXile decided to find out, calling massage ads in various Moscow newspapers and polling Moscow’s madams for information on their massage services. The responses we got should serve as a warning to the Ministry of Health and to society at large; apparently some of Moscow’s paid ladies are willing to put up with just about anything for $100.

Pretty Woman
The Best Service
960-1845

eXile: Hello?
PW: Hello?
eXile: Yes, can you tell me how much your massage costs?
PW: Massage costs $80 an hour, or $150 for two hours.
eXile: That’s great, because I really need a massage. My back is killing me.
PW: Well, we can do that.
eXile: You see, I need a massage because I have this disease. I don’t even know how to say it in Russian. In English it’s called “anthrax”…[flipping through dictionary] Wait, here it is-sibirskaya yazva. Anyway, I need a very specific massage.
PW: Well, our girls can do that.
eXile: Do they have medical educations? It’s a specific disease.
PW: Yes, absolutely.
eXile: Of course, I’d show them how.
PW: It’s no problem. Where are you located?
eXile: 1905 street Metro station. You’re sure there’s no problem?
PW: It’s no problem.
eXile: Okay. What’s your name?
PW: My name is Irma.
eXile: Okay, Irma, I’ll call you back.

Apparently anthrax isn’t enough to scare away business, so we decided to up the ante:

Superblondes (Diana)
422-5986

eXile: Yes, can you tell me how much your massage costs?
SB: Our massage is $90 for an hour, and $140 for two hours.
eXile: Those are very good rates.
SB: Thank you.
eXile: I’m calling because I urgently need a massage. I have a terrible pain in my back. You see, I’m suffering from a disease called Ebola…
SB: Yes?
eXile: And, you know, it’s extremely painful, and I need a special massage.
SB: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I have a girl here who gives very good massages.
eXile: Does she have a medical background?
SB: Well, sort of.
eXile: The Ebola massage is a very specific thing.
SB: She can handle it.
eXile: Of course, I’d show her how to do it. I’d also, of course, provide her with gloves and a mask.
SB: Where are you now?
eXile: At the U.S. Embassy.
SB: Okay. Do you want to leave a number, and we’ll call you back in just a few minutes?
eXile: Sure. What’s your name?
SB: Diana.
eXile: Thank you, Diana.

Well, that was a relief!! Now, if we ever get sick with Ebola, we’ll know whom to turn to. Not all the madams were so accomodating, however. One, at “Massage, Apartments, Anytime, Transport” caught on to the joke right away and insisted that all of her girls had medical degrees-and certificates to prove it. Another politely recommended a real medical masseur. One, however, went out of her way to give us a little education while we convalesced:

Stunning Girls
Visiting Hotel Apartments
231-4770

eXile: Hello?
SG: Hello?
eXile: Yes, can you tell me how much your massage costs?
SG: $90 for an hour, $140 for two hours.
eXile: That’s good. Those are good rates.
SG: Well, we try!
eXile: Because I really need a massage.
SG: Well, we can help.
eXile: It’s because I have this disease called Ebola Zaire, and it’s really painful. It requires a special massage…
SG: (Laughing) Young man!
eXile: Yes?
SG: Did you read this ad in The Moscow Times or Tribune?
eXile: Well, yes.
SG: So you understand English, right?
eXile: Right.
SG: Because the word “massage” there, that’s just an advertisement. We can’t really advertise what we really do!
eXile: What?
SG: This is erotic massage, you understand?
eXile: Erotic massage!
SG: Yes. I mean, you know how we charge $90 an hour? You see, if it were the kind of massage you’re looking for, it would be a lot cheaper.
eXile: Oh, I see, it would be cheaper, right?
SG: Right.
eXile: Gosh, do I feel stupid.
SG: (laughing) Don’t worry about it. It happens.
eXile: Well, thank you anyway-you’ve been a big help!

#7 | May 8 – 22, 1997

Read more: exile issue 7, prank, pranks, eXile Staff, eXile Classic

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