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Entertainment / Video Games / January 22, 2009
By Hank Pazzo

A country song begins. I have entered a ptarmigan challenge, and it says “I must take down as many Ptarmigans as I can!” When would I not kill as many animals as I could? Will this game ever ask me to be discrete? I hope not. Send in the bald eagles!

Okay, all kidding around aside, this ptarmigan ho down is the video game equivalent of a psychotic episode. I am standing in a field and birds are swarming me. This is like the shit Hunter S. Thompson saw at the beginning of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. What are these goddamned animals?! I shoot and shoot, and instead of fleeing, they keep coming in waves, flying seductively close together, begging me to kill two of them with one shot. I suspect there are really no ptarmigans, and I’m just a hunter standing in a clearing firing all his shells at invisible assailants. I win, and do my spinning dance of joy.

Next stop, Alaska. I wonder I’ll be able to feed a turkey I shoot into a grinder?

Fingers crossed!

I see three deer in a field. I aim carefully, remembering what my dad always used to say: “Shoot ’em in the body first, then you can shoot em in the head all you want!” Brought all three down! And their bodies disappeared before I could get to them. No skinning, no eating the heart. No sexual poses. Nothing.

This game totally misses the point of hunting.

And I’m spent. Even with a few wrinkles, Cabela’s Trophy Bucks takes a lot of the fun out of animal shooting. It needs a major overhaul to be worth your time or money. Not letting the bodies disappear would be a start, better guns would also be a real improvement, and cuter targets are a must. When Cabela’s Trophy Kittens hits store shelves, you can bet we’ll have full coverage, right here.

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  • 1. Joe Blow  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am

    This game totally misses the point of hunting

    but it was good for a funny review

  • 2. Koryavi  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 am

    …Imagine my disgust when I’ve tried to shoot Amata (Fallout 3) and she’s just blacked out, sort of lay there for a bit,then stood up not a slightest bit dismayed with my character putting 7 bullets through her skull (some thick bones).

    No joy of killing whatosoever.Might just revisit original Fallout.Even “M” games are getting more and more mainstream by the second.

  • 3. Hank  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.

  • 4. Allen  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    “And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.”


  • 5. Dammerung  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 am

    You have to wonder where good gameplay ends and a psychotic episode begins

  • 6. Baked Dr. Luny  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    It’s not good gameplay until you’re having a psychotic episode.

  • 7. The Amazing Crustacean  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    The point where a psychotic episode begins is known as “the point of awesomeness”.

  • 8. TheKlink  |  January 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Nothing stopping us putting children and animal models into a gta game and letting rip. other than talent that is.

  • 9. UbelEngelis  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    My best suggestion this side of Menu by Suicide I think has to be the introduction of a pocket-pooch skeet shoot for training, when you run out of dogs, you can substitute any heiress/socialite of your choosing… Just a thought.

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