Issue #12/67, June 17 - July 1, 1999  

Now that NATO has emerged victorious from its just, humane war against the forces of evil in the Balkan peninsula, we at the eXile feel that it's time the civilized countries of the West really got down to brass tacks and applied themselves to their next great task: the invasion and conquest of the Russian Federation.

History is a frugal fellow. For decades at a time--centuries even--it keeps opportunities for the elevation of the human spirit, and for the advancement of the ideals of justice, balled tightly in its mighty fist. And only rarely, once in the fleetingest of blue moons, it relaxes its fingers and lets a chance to douse the flames of tyranny drop into the lap of good and decent folk. But allow just the slightest hesitation, and that chance is vapor; the fist tightens again, and dark clouds of repression and cynicism appear once more to blot out humanity's radiant spirit.

With its courageous bombing of Serbia, NATO has, through sheer force of will, managed to pry loose a space between those great fingers. A chance is dropping into the laps of America and her faithful allies. It is a chance to finally present humanity with a truly heroic and benevolent gift: the ridding of Russians from the world.

It is a move that is long overdue. For too long, Russians have been greedily occupying space that could be put to more enlightened and appropriate use by Americans and some Western Europeans. Put simply, Russians are a nuisance. There are too many of them. They are stinky and inefficient. Their hair is greasy. They do not speak English; and even when they do, they speak it with a thick accent. They put too much sour cream on everything. They don't smile when they serve you. They skew the results of Olympic games by winning all the bullshit events. They're always whining about something, and they can't get the hang of something as simple as American-style democracy. They have television shows that feature middle-aged people talking and talking. We tried our best to make good Americans of them, we really did. We gave them tons of aid money, pointed the way, and waited respectfully and patiently for them to grow out of their fascination with that manifestly silly and, quite frankly, very communist form of government they lived under for so long.

How much longer should we be expected to wait? Beyond the point where benevolence becomes mere condescension? We think not. In fact, we feel sure that by sparing Russians for as long as we have, we're really only adding fire to the special hell of their national experience. We are prolonging their suffering by keeping them alive. In short, we're throwing good money after bad. By now, the vast majority of Russians must look upon their destitute and disorganized selves and wonder just why it is we've waited so long to put them out of their misery.

Russia's vast territory and its great reserves of natural riches are increasingly a burden to her people. Unable to convert that wealth into social prosperity, Russians are condemned to lives of unending humiliation. Fortunately, of course, those lives are growing shorter and shorter all the time, caught as Russia's citizens are between the Schylla and Charibdes of alcoholism, poor medical care and grotesque (and, or course, avoidable) environmental mismanagement. Nonetheless, many Russians still live well into their fifties, and many are still moved to reproduce. These resultant children are then sentenced to repeat the unenviable poverty-stricken lives of their parents, never to visit Busch Gardens or operate their own personal washing machines, seldom if ever able to afford that second McDonald's sandwich, left ignorant for all time of the virtues of safe, consensual, mutually respectful sex play.

Is it fair to stand idly by while innocent children are ushered on into these so-called "lives"? Hardly. It is, in fact, inhumane. We would not wish such a thing on our own Mexican immigrants. That is why we kill as many as we can when they try to cross the Rio Grande, and why, incidentally, the eXile supports a plan to populate that great river with millions of crocodiles, poisonous vermin, Portuguese man-o-wars, hammerhead sharks, water mocassins, and razor wire. It is a simple, straightforward, humane plan, and we believe it will work.

This is why NATO must commence its bombing of Russia now, while it has the momentum. Carpe Diem. The important thing is, it is now within our power to kill the entire population of Russia without suffering a single casualty. We can do it, we really can. After all, there's no need to worry about the much-ballyhooed "nuclear threat": these people can't even get their cars to start, much less fire an intercontinental ballistic missile. And their anti-aircraft defenses are Bronze age miracles at best. Crude hand-fired arrows would stand a better chance of bouncing off one of our state-of-the-art fighter-bombers than a Russian-made anti-aircraft defense system. Really, they could barely knock a NATO kite out of the sky on a clear day. It would be target practice for our boys, and would, incidentally, help keep them employed-- a not insignificant consideration in these economically competitive times.

The military plan should be simple. Drop bombs from deep in space, and slowly kill off all the Russians in Russia. Better not to use nukes: this might upset our allies' governments tenuous coalitions with Greens parties, and would also deny Russians the gift of a dramatic and protracted final struggle against the inevitable-- a dignified last stand that would give these simple, noble, and doomed people a chance to say their final goodbyes, take a good last look at themselves, and consider their place in history. They may not deserve to survive, but they deserve that. And we can provide it, just as surely as we can remake their country into the happiest and most comfortable ex-Russia that money and a little old-fashioned know-how can buy. For their sake and ours, let's not let this of all possibilities slip past.