Issue #12/67, June 17 - July 1, 1999  

CLOSET HOMO-[sic]-UAL

To The Editors,
Ames, Taibbi - Faggots!

Bob

Dear Bob,
Until just last week, we would have called you "out of your mind" and "off your rocker." But then we thought, what the aich-ee-double-toothpick, and gave it a whirl. And yuh know what? It wasn't that bad! So call us faggots, but whatever you do, don't call us "anonymous unfamous struggling writers who don't have book deals and film deals and aren't followed around wherever they go by nosey CNN film crews". Cuz that would really, really hurt.

HOLIDAY IN CAMBODIA

Marc,
Wondering if by chance you're going to be in New York or Atlanta any time in June. I'm familiar with eXile from two visits to Russia and through several friends who have lived there. The 101 Reasons Why Nato's War Sucks was entertaining and informative. best regards,

Chris Decherd,
Editor-in-Chief
The Cambodia Daily

Dear Chris,
Just "entertaining and informative"? Do you know how much work we put into that thing? Folks, leave the stingy praise letters in your desk drawers, will yuh? If you can't tack on some fawning superlatives and a healthy dose of hyperbolic praise, then don't bother. We'd rather you just flat-out hated us. By the way, Stuart Pratt asked us to tell you that he once trekked through Cambodia, and that the beer was cheap and delicious. The only thing he didn't like was all the prostitution. But what the fuck do you expect from our bearded prodigy?

THE GRATEFUL SERB

Hello,
I just wanted to send a brief note to let you know how much I appreciated your recent article: NATO's Pep Squad Goes On Trial [Issue #10/65, May 20 - June 3, 1999]. As someone who now lives in Canada, but who has her family enduring the bombing raids in Yugoslavia, I am sickened by NATO's destruction on the one hand, and the west's reporting of NATO's "humanitarian campaign" on the other. As a television host and reporter, I am well aware of the bias, inconsistency, and unprofessionalism that existed in the media previously [the 'Desert Storm' incubator story, fake concentration camp pictures, and the unsubstantiated reports of "over 40,000" Bosnian rapes to name a few]. One would think then, that there is very little in terms of negligent reporting that would surprise me anymore, however, after over two months of bombing, the global and local media still manage to shock me. I am an ardent practitioner of the methods you suggest [writing editors, demanding explanations from journalists, etc.], and despite their pathetic responses, I am trying my best every day to maintain sanity. With all the destruction, misinformation, and mind-boggling public apathy here, this really does seem to me like a world gone mad, a media gone bad, and a public just simply gone. Your writing breathes light, at a time when darkness suffocates; thank you.

Sincerely,
Jelena

Dear Jelena,
That's great. Say, could you send us a .gif file of your snapper? We've just never seen what a Serbian snapper looks like, and we're sorta curious.

SERBICO

a friend of mine forwarded me some of your "stuff" on kosovo from the may 20th issue and of course THAT fateful act led to my visiting your website and i just wanted to say - way to go, hats off, more power to you, keep it up and never, never, never surrender. THE ONLY FREEDOM THAT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY IS THE POWER TO THINK! may god bless you and keep you,

snezana lazovic
(just another serb pulling out her hair on the wrong side of the atlantic)

Dear Snezana,
Please, don't let God bless us. That's the last thing we need. So anyway, you probably know what we're going to ask you for: picture. Full swollen snapper shot. GIF or JPEG. And make it snappy.

THE RIDDLER

Just found exile and liked it We no longer have any critical satire here It's good to see the powerful MCGC (Media Controlled Government Controlled) media knocked. Although it's difficult for someone within the media to attack the media, ie itself! But thanks. Keep on please. Stay on our side We will be watching

sebastian

Dear Sebastian,
Why in fuck's name can't media attack media? Soldiers attack soldiers, don't they? Elephant seals attack elephant seals, right? Tulio's Pizza attacks vital nerves in the back of the tongue called "taste buds," invariably causing mild nausea--is this not so? Heck, Ames attacks himself almost on a nightly basis, thrashing about for three sweaty minutes in his bed. It's nature, Sebastian. So stop latching onto silly rules born of flabby cowardice and stand up and cheer as we take on the media, for all mankind!

TEASED TO DEATH

Dear editor,
I was surprised to see that you paper was "alive" after the financial crisis. But it hasn't improved at all. I guess, some things never change. When are you going to stop criticizing other journalists and start writing something yourselves? Is this because you can't write yourselves? It is so pathetic! Especially going faultfinding through detailed analysis of each line written by those journalists. Why don't you take a look at yourselves for once? No talent, no style, no intellect... The fact that you're absolutely uncritical about yourselves is a sign of either of lack of open minds or some psychological problems.

Tease

Dear Tease,
Actually, it's a sign of having a book and film deal and what happens to your head when CNN comes and films your every move.

PRATT-IGY

HELP!! I can't take it anymore! Why does the eXile, an otherwise fine paper, insist on keeping that pussy whipped Canadian Stuart Pratt on its' roster?! I specifically made a trip to Moscow in March after reading about your newspaper in Rolling Stone magazine a few months earlier. I was completely blown away by the incredibly gorgeous and sexually wild Russian women I met there. After returning to Los Angeles I was also pleased to discover your web site which enables me to keep up on the best part of Moscow: the nitelife and dyevs. However, Stuart Pratt has to have the biggest bug up his ass known to mankind. Every single club review he does mentions his Canuck girlfriend, Amy, and how much of a grip she has on his balls. The current eXile appeared promising since she skipped town back to Canada, and any normal man would have used this as a golden opportunity to shag as many women as possible while the cat's away... But not Pratt. Instead he tells us of a dyev that he's teaching English to so that he can give her "the medicine needed by Russian women in order to get over their male-pleasing complexes", and is ashamed when she pulls her top off at the club they visit! Stu, the other 99% of the eXile's writers and readers would've not only already have been fucking this wild chick, but would want to INCREASE her male-pleasing complexes! DUH!! Why are you single handedly trying to ruin the best thing Moscow has to offer us?

Take Off back to Canada- you hoser!!

ROBERT CAMPBELL
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Dear Mr. Campbell,
Stuart Pratt replies: "Oh my, here we go again. There are some people whom are beyond help, and you, Mr. Campbell, are clearly one of them. For your information, I receive more than my share of fan letters precisely because I have the guts to write about regular things--such as, how a young, progressive couple gets along in Moscow--rather than the crude frat boy things that you seem to worship. Grow up, Mr. Campbell. You might find that engaging life's difficult challenges is just a tad more rewarding than shallow, narrow-minded gratification."

THREE THINGS

Dear eXile, John Dolan rules. Negro Comix sucks. Pratt must die. In agony.

Triba

Dear Triba,
John unfortunately left town. Kicking and screaming no less. We'll miss him. You're wrong about Negro Comix: there ain't nuthin like it in this world, we assure you. And as for Pratt... we emailed him your letter, to which he replied, "Triba, I don't take threats to my body lightly. I know many lawyers here, and my girlfriend Amy is well-connected to important people through her marketing firm. In a country as violent and unpredictable as Russia, implying as you do a death threat is no joke and I do not appreciate it. Cease and desist now, sir, or I will be forced to take legal action."