Issue #16/71, August 12 - 26, 1999  

Reversing the flow of the Ob river...eradicating Dengue fever...reading Jean MacKenzie's columns without wincing...There are many things in the world which are difficult, but as the eXile discovered this week, there is almost nothing more difficult than pretending to care when Boris Yeltsin sacks the government. In fact, it seems to us that we've already said pretty much everything one could say about the Putin appointment, only we said it when Stepashin was appointed: "Boris Yeltsin's recent firing of whoever the fuck the Prime Minister was and subsequent installment of whoever the fuck the Prime Minister now is signals a sea change in whatever the fuck his policy has been to whatever the fuck it will be."

eXile: Hello, is this Mr. Blitzer?

Blitzer:Hello?

eXile: Hello, my name is Josh Needleman of the Moscow Times...I was hoping you could give me a comment on a story I'm working on today.

Blitzer: (enthusiastically) Mmm-hmm!

eXile: It's about the naming of Vladmir Putin as the new Prime Minister. We're doing a story on what the possible economic consequences of that move might be. As someone who works in the investment world, what do you think the reaction might in the investment community to this news?

Blitzer: I don't think there's going to be much reaction one way or the other. This is all about politics and all about power, and nothing about economic policy.

eXile: You don't think it's going to have any effect at all, then?

Blitzer: It shouldn't have any effect at all at this time.

eXile: There's been some talk here in Moscow about the fact that Putin was one of the first managers of the first McDonald's here in Russia. Do you think that might enhance his market credentials around the world?

Blitzer: First of all, I didn't know that, second of all, no, I don't. No, I think that, at this point, if he wants to establish his credentials, he's going to have to do something. At this point, it's pretty clear that the Russian government isn't going to do anything substantial one way or another for quite some period.

Well, that takes care of the McDonald's question. We were worried there for a minute that Blitzer didn't know Putin was a career spook... Next up, we decided to give the former World Bank honcho a little geography test:

Charles Blitzer doesn't think investors will be impressed even if new Prime Minister Vladimir Putin restores stability in the Olajuwon region.

eXile: Okay. Do you think if he can restore stability in the Olajuwon region that that might help reassure investors?

Blitzer: (stridently) Nope. I think that's a side issue. No, look, investors are going to be really reassured when they see a stable Russia and a Russia dealing with its structural problems. At this point, I don't see either one of those things happening.

Doh!... well, maybe that's not fair. After all, not everyone in the world knows that 7-foot Nigerian immigrant Hakeem Olajuwon is the starting center for the Houston Rockets, and not a war-torn breakaway republic in southern Russia. Only most people know that. Anyway, for fairness's sake, we decided to at least give ol' Chuck another pass at the McDonald's thing:

eXile: But the fact, for instance, that Putin worked at McDonald's, that doesn't make you think that this might be a guy who might have a better instinctual grasp of capitalism than, for instance, someone who might have been a Soviet bureaucrat his whole life?

Blitzer: (snappily) Nah.

eXile: No, okay...

Blitzer: (inhaling deeply, preparing for lengthy speech) Ahem...When I see a Russian government clamp down on capital flight...When I see a government enforce bankruptcy laws in an even-handed way...When I see a Russian government insist on majority shareholders' rights...When I see the bank restructuring occur in a way which reverses asset stripping, then I'll have confidence that something important is changing. And my view is that Russia will more or less continue bouncing along the bottom as it has been, with nothing particularly worse happening, and nothing terribly important better happening.

eXile: (waking up) Uh...all right, thank you very much, Mr. Blitzer. Goodbye.

Blitzer: Goodbye.

Looks like Josh Needleman's got a scoop there. We can only hope that Blitzer's bosses at Donaldson, Lufkin and Jenrette don't get word of what incredible and embarrassing depths their top Russia quote hound will go to in order to get his name in the papers. Incidentally, that's DONALDSON, LUFKIN, and JENRETTE. We've put the firm's name in huge letters on the top of this page to help those of you with attention-defecit disorder remember the name. Anyway, thanks again, Chuck, for helping us find the right trail in our pursuit of the Putin story.

Not everyone had as much to say about the McDonald's thing as Blitzer. Steve Madison, press secretary for ranking minority member of the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee Joe Biden, did his best, unlike Blitzer, to stick to what he knew when confronted by a call from "Geoff Winestock" of the "Moscow Plain Dealer":

eXile: Now, with this McDonald's thing, I mean, part of the angle we're going to be writing about is...

Madison: I don't know...It strikes me as a little bit trivial. Maybe, uh...

eXile: Does the senator eat McDonald's?

Madison: I don't know. We never talk about that...

eXile: I mean, we know Clinton is a big McDonald's fan...

Madison: Yeah. I don't know. I mean, he probably does, just like anyone else would-- in a bind. I think he he's more of a pizza guy when it comes to junk food.

That settled that. The next question we felt we had to answer, in our coverage of the Putin hiring, was this: will the FSB chief's new office be adequately furnished? To get to the bottom of the matter, we called one Sherwood Cryer of the El Toro company in Deer Park, Texas--a firm that we felt sure had the one piece of equipment Putin could not do without:

eXile: Hello, is this El Toro?

El Toro: Yes.

eXile: You sell mechanical bulls?

El Toro: Yes, we do.

eXile: Hello, my name is Geoff Winestock. I'm calling from Russia. I have a client here who is interested in acquiring a mechanical bull.

El Toro: Can you hold on a minute?

eXile: Sure.

El Toro: (heard calling to second man) We've got a guy here calling from Mas-cow, wants to buy a bull.

Cryer: (coming on the phone, in thick Texan accent) Hell-lo?

eXile: Hello, my name is Geoff Winestock. I'm calling from Moscow, Russia...

Cryer: Yessir.

eXile: I have a client here who is interested in acquiring a mechanical bull. Please hold and I will connect you to Mr. Putin.

Cryer: Sure.

eXile: (new voice, absurd Russian bad-guy accent) Yes, Khel-lo!

Cryer: How are you?

eXile: I am...very well! My name is Mr. Vladimir Putin. You can call me Mr. Premier-Minister Putin. I am interested in purchasing top-of-ze-line mechanical bull! Please tell me, I hear very good things about your company. I want ze biggest, ze most powerful bull!

Cryer: (carefully, to make his English understandable to foreign client) Yes, we have it, and we have been man-u-fact-ur-in' it for many years. And we sell it.

eXile: Money is no problem.

Cryer: I see.

eXile: Tell me, please, more.

Cryer: You want us to mail you a brochure on the bull?

eXile: Let's speak by telephone first, and uh...

Cryer: Well, we sell the bull for $8500. There are two motors on it, a one-horse motor, and a three-horse motor. They're 220, single-phase. You'll have to tell us whether your electricity is 50 hertz or 60 hertz. We sell to different countries, and different countries have 50 hertz, or 60 hertz.

eXile: We use European standard. I know we have 220 volts...

Cryer: You'll still have to find out whether your electricity is 50 hertz, or 60 hertz. Five-oh, or six-oh.

eXile: Mmm-hmm.

Cryer: And we can ship it to you. We crate it for you. It costs $8500. Crating is $350. And shipping...I don't know where you're in, in Russia...

eXile: In Moscow. Close to Kremlin...I have question, some more about ze bull. Is it possible to have gold-plating...I am acting, the new Prime-Minister, and I need the new plating that says "Vladimir Putin--2000" on ze bull, somewhere.

Cryer: I see.

eXile: Is it possible, ze gold plating?

Cryer: (long, long pause) ...Well, I did not understand exactly what you wanted. You wanted something on the bull.

eXile: Gold plating with engraving! Is it possible?

Cryer: I think we can do something like that. I believe we can do that. And we sell an air-bag that goes with it...

eXile: An air-bag?

Cryer: Well, if someone is riding it, and you throw them off, and they fall on the floor, or on the ground, or on the concrete, it will hurt 'em.

eXile: There are some people who I want to be hurt!

Cryer: I see.

eXile: When they...for example, when minister comes in, does something bad, loses territory, Russian or something...

Cryer: (sympathizing) You'll throw him off pretty hard, huh? (laughs)

eXile: Yes, that's it exactly!

Cryer: I see.

eXile: Sometimes I myself want to ride for fun, because I am feeling powerful. Sometimes I want to put somebody on I don't like, and I want him to go top speed, and he goes falling off, and he understands that I am-- angry!

Cryer: (laughs nervously) Well, the speed goes from speed number one, to speed number tee-en. You can turn it up to tee-en, which is very fast, and it'ud be hard fur a fly to stay on it.

eXile: So, you have speed number ten is fast. What about speed eleven? Can you make speed eleven?

Cryer: (after pause) Yes, we can make eleven. And number one, a chah-ld could rah-d it. And if you wish to order one of these things...

eXile: With ze extra speed, up to eleven!

Cryer: Yes, we can go to eleven.

eXile: And it is through you that I can order this?

Cryer: Yessir. And we've been manufacturing this for over twenty years. We've been manufacturing it for Urban Cowboy, which was a big movie here...

eXile: (angrily) Of course I know zis movie. I have seen it twenty times. And sir, can you please tell me, vot is your name?

Cryer: Mah name is Sherwood...

eXile: Sher-vood...

Cryer: Cryer.

eXile: Hmm, excellent. My aide is finding you...

Cryer: And how did y'all find us, through the internet?

eXile: Through the internet, I believe, yes... Very interesting, I am liking proposal very much. Especially, if you can look into this, ze gold plating. With "Year 2000" on this.

Cryer: Fah-n wuth me. You can send us the art-work that you want to put on there, and we kin put it on there for ya!

eXile: Maybe, on the other side, it can say some-tsink like "Thank you, Boris Nikolayevich!"

Cryer: Well, like ah said, you can send us the art work, and we'll put in on there fur ya.

eXile: Sounding very good...My assistant Geoff Winestock will be getting back to you tomorrow.

Cryer: If he misses me tomorrow, he needs to talk to a boy [!] named Jerry Wellrich. He's the one that handles all the shipping and the crating fur ya...How's the weather over there today?

eXile: We are having ze colder weather today, 14 degrees by our celsius reading. But for me is very sunny day!

Cryer: It will be 100 here today.

eXile: My Gott!

Cryer: Well, we are in Texas.

eXile: Texas. I have never been going in Texas. Maybe now-- I vill go!

Well, now we know Volodya won't get bored on the job. Come to think of it, it might be worth really pitching in to get Putin a bull--and then challenging him to ride it on level 11 until Yeltsin names his next Prime Minister. Our bet is that he can. For one thing, it shouldn't be all that long, and for another, ol' Volodya looks like a first-class saddle man, if you catch our drift.

eXile: Good day. Is this the embassy of Cape Verde?

CV: Good day, yes.

eXile: My name is Yevgeny Mishin. I am a representative--actually the assistant to the... the former Prime Minister Stepashin.

CV: Who?

eXile: The former Prime Minister Stepashin. He asked me to call you, and ask you a few questions.

CV: Yes?

eXile: First of all, is it possible to receive political asylum in your country?

CV: Well, you know, that's a complicated question. I'll go right now and ask what's his name...

eXile: I just want to receive some information.

CV: Yes, this is possible, but I'm not sure it would be good to do it on the telephone.

eXile: So, you mean, it would be better to meet in person?

CV: Yes, either that or you come by and [unintelligible].

eXile: I see. In the meantime, I have a few questions. My boss, he really likes fishing. Are the conditions for this in your country beneficial?

CV: Fishing?

eXile: Yes.

CV: Yes.

eXile: You have it, then?

CV: Yes. Our country is an island.

eXile: An island?

CV: Yes. The island of Cape Verde. Surrounding it is a sea. The Atlantic Ocean.

eXile: I see. And what are the basic national sports in Cape Verde? My boss is a fan.

CV: We feature all forms of sport.

eXile: Hmm.. is there football?

CV: All sports!

eXile: Thank you very much. I will call again.

CV: Thank you!

Whew! Well, after all this diligent research, we think we've finally got a lock on this Putin story. Unfortunately, we still don't care about it, hard as we try. Still more unfortunately, we have no space left in this issue to indulge in fanciful conspiracy theories, ones which we will never, ever be able to confirm or deny, about what his hiring means, or might mean in the future. Too bad. Fortunately, the rest of the press world is doing that job for us. In the meantime, we're just going to kick back, relax, and ride that bronco!