Issue #16/71, August 12 - 26, 1999  

REMEMBERANCES OF THINGS PRATT

Dear Steward,
It doesn't matter what I think about you, but please do a little statistics inside that missionary-style head of yours for a minute or two would you? "My readers" as you so confidently call us, deserve it. Now, let me make it really simple, 1) Who ever wrote you a complimentary letter? Now don't tell us just yet, just hold that integer on your puckered-tight lips and hear me out. You see, you might be a good writer... I don't think so, but you might. Anyway, the fact is that your angle is all wrong, which brings me to point number 2) While reading the eXile, people do not think of their girlfriends. Really simple. Test it, make a statistical analysis, deny it, beat me up with your shame, shame talk... but my point is fact. YOU ARE BORING & UNNECESSARY, so don't let the door hit you on your honey-bun on your way to the grocery store, you hear?

L. Craig Martindale
The "L" is for "tell it like it is"

Dear Martindale,
Are you sure the "L" isn't for "Loser"? Anyway, that's not for us to judge. Here's the Prattster in his own words: "Assuming you are who you say who you are, and not someone that the eXile editors have put up just to torment me in public, then my only answer to you is that you sadden me. A few months ago, your letter might have angered me, because back then I still believed I might have made a difference with the general readership. Now, it is clear to me that I was operating under false illusions. In your narrow-minded way, Craig, you will probably be happy to know that you are one of the straws that broke this camel's back. Thank yourself and narrow-minded people like you for my resignation from this newspaper, and for depriving the community of a fresh, new, alternative, progressive voice--a voice desperately needed, whether mine or anyone else's who shares my views."

GOOD 'N PRATTY

Dear Sirs,
I write to you to offer some long overdue recognition of one much maligned contributor to your generally distasteful publication. I refer of course to Stuart Pratt, whose endeavour to put a more palatable spin on "Moscow Babylon" has my wholehearted support.

Simply looking at Stuart's photograph is enough to know that he - in contrast to the smug, reptilian Mr Ames - is a man of sensitive erudition who is not afraid to let his hair down and have a good time.

Recently I even saw Stuart and partner Amy rocking away at a well-known Moscow club, but feeling somewhat abashed, I did not introduce myself - I wouldn't want to be the cause of another night on the couch, after all! All I can say is, lucky old Amy. Keep up the good work Stuart, and the rest of you be damned,

Yours sincerely,
Penny Forster,
Moscow

Dear Ms. Forster,
Before we hand the keyboard over to Pratt, we'd like to use this opportunity to solicit a gif, tiff or jpeg file of your sweaty hood. Okay, that's out of the way. Now over to Mr. Pratt: "Thank you for your kind and thoughtful letter, proving once again what I've been saying all along: this newspaper has a serious problem with a 'gender gap.' Unfortunately, I don't seem to have been successful in changing the ideological demographics. Carry on, Penny, as I know I will, perhaps in another venue. In time, we shall overcome."

CHICKENSHIT STRIKES AGAIN!

In the [sic] section of issue #69, we published a letter from an American reader named Arthur Kaufman, in which he expressed his disagreement with our position criticizing NATO's actions in the Balkans. We, for our part, thoughtfully responded by labeling the self-proclaimed Vietnam War veteran a "yellow chickenshit loser" who "single-handedly lost the war for America in 'Nam" and advised him to "just stay the fuck away from our website." In response, Kaufman sent us the following letter:

Editors,
'very' chalenging reply that made no attempt to answer my question. I won't bother you with any more replies. You obviously can't or won't consider thinking about any response other than name calling.

A Kaufman

Dear Kaufman,
Actually, we would consider bashing your head in with a Russian crowbar, prying loose the steel plate installed in your skull after you got the side of your head blown off in a failed attempt to surrender to Charlie back in '69. But for the moment, considering where we're located and where you're located, we can't do that. So we'll stick to name calling for now.

STRAIGHT OUTTA CANADA

Dear Exile,
Anyway, I'm in Canada tonight -- 'cause that's where I live -- but I'll be over in Moscow in mid August. I've met a woman over the Internet (I know, I know, but dammit, she's *different*!) and I'm in the process of finding an apartment for a week, then it's up to St.P for a week, then back to Canada, then I was thinking of coming back in December and staying for 6 months, maybe attend Russian classes somewhere....there was a point to this -- yes, what the hell does anybody do in Moscow? I want to invite this woman "out" while I'm over there. What the hell does "out" mean? We can stay home and watch DVDs on my computer, but that's a tad tame. And say it doesn't work out? Where do I run? Does hell hath no fury or whatever? Let's say I just wanted an evening out by myself. Do I point the cabbie to the Kremlin and say, let 'er rip!?

Ron

Dear Ron,
It's one thing to get assaulted by hordes of losers from the U S of A. It makes a strange kind of sense, and we even enjoy it. It's life-affirming. But getting a chummy letter from a perverted Canadian geek is just... well, it's just wrong. Whatever you're going to do here, please don't tell us. We don't want to know the details. We don't want to hear about how you spent your entire week's vacation masturbating in your bed at Jan's Traveler's Guest House, because the thought of a Canadian jacking off in Jan's guest house is too sick even for us to grasp. Ron, may you die in a jetliner explosion over the Sea of Labrador.