Issue #16/71, August 12 - 26, 1999  

For a while now, we've been wondering just what we should do about our new rival paper, the CIA-funded Russia Journal. More irritating than the fact that the paper's (now-defunct) weekly Lifestyle insert crudely ripped off huge portions of the eXile format (silly icons, phony movie posters) was the fact that, through sheer incompetence, its editors had forced us onto the dreaded "high road". After all, with the paper sucking as badly as it does, any attention we could have given it, no matter how negative, would only have helped them out. So for the longest time we chomped at the bit, waiting for the ugly little beast to either die its natural death, or give us a reason to strike.

The opening came not long ago, when the suspiciously well-funded paper's sudden disappearance from distribution points all over the city prompted us to make inquiries about its circulation. It turned out that the paper, which features writing so atrocious and reader-repelling that it makes the Moscow Tribune look like the Suwanee Review in comparison, had tried to charge distributors money for the privilege of passing it out for free. Most restaurants and clubs declined, leaving the paper with an almost totally undetectable literary existence and prompting us to ask the question: how much should one charge for advertising space in a publication no one reads? We decided to find out:

eXile: Hello, is this advertising department?

Russia Journal: Um...yes.

eXile: Yes, hello, my name is Nate Schlifkin. I'm opening up a new restaurant here in town called Tennessee Nate's. It's a barbecue restaurant. And I'd like to talk about advertising with your paper.

Russia Journal: (struggling with English) Okay, um...

eXile: (helping out) What is your name?

Russia Journal: My name is...Alexander.

eXile: Alexander? Okay, how much would a half-page ad cost?

Russia Journal: Well...would you tell me number fax...and I will...send you a...

eXile: If you could just tell me over the phone about a half page ad. If that's possible. I mean, what is your standard rate for one half-page?

Russia Journal: One half-page?

eXile: Yes.

Russia Journal: Um, I don't know exactly. There are special rates.

eXile: Because I don't see your newspaper around very much. I was thinking of spending something like ninety or a hundred dollars. Is that going to be too little?

Russia Journal: Nine hundred dollars?

eXile: Ninety.

Russia Journal: Ninety. Um, I think it's too much.

eXile: Too much?

Russia Journal: You need a half-page?

eXile: Right.

Russia Journal: Of the Russia Journal?

eXile: Right.

Russia Journal: The price for one half-page is one hundred fifty-I mean, one thousand five hundred dollars.

eXile: One thousand five hundred dollars? I can't pay that. I mean, I don't see your newspaper anywhere. Couldn't we agree on a discount?

Russia Journal: Yes, but you see, this price is too high. I think there are special rates for the one half-page. You see, the chief editor is now out of Moscow, out of office, and I think...

eXile: For instance, if I paid a little more for the ad, could you do a little review in the paper?

Russia Journal: What? I didn't understand.

eXile: If I were to pay a little bit more for the advertisement, could you also write a review of my restaurant?

Russia Journal: Oh, I think, yes.

eXile: You can do that?

Russia Journal: Yes, yes. Tell me, do you see our newspaper?

eXile: I've see it once or twice. I saw a homeless person carrying it once.

Russia Journal: (after interminable 14-second pause) Maybe I will come to your office, and we will discuss it, face-to-face.

eXile: Sounds good!

Russia Journal: What is your address?

eXile: It's [gives Moscow Times address].

Russia Journal: That's house 22?

eXile: 24. Fifth floor, at the end of the hall on the right [office of Moscow Times editor Matt Bivens].

Russia Journal: What time? Maybe eleven o'clock?

eXile: Sounds good!