#9 | June 5 - 18, 1997  

In its endless attempts to gain credibility with its readers, the eXile has long sought to attract the very best writers and contributors Russia has to offer. We were obviously thrilled when Alexander Minkin and Eduard Limonov agreed to work with us, but words simply cannot describe how happy we were when First Deputy Prime Minister Anatoly Chubais called us up with an idea for our "Knock Knock" section. "Listen, I've got this thing, you've absolutely got to run it," he said, giggling over the phone. "I spent years on it. What's your fax number? Oh, wait, here it is- same as the [sic] page, right? By the way, are those letters fake, or what?"

How gullible is the United States government? A few years ago, as the deputy mayor of St. Petersburg, I decided to find out. Posing as a westernized new Russian "reformer," I contacted officers of the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) about the possibility of setting up pro-privatization, pro-market reform organizations in post-perestroika Russia. To my surprise, all it took was a cell phone, a laptop, a command of English, and a few other "reformist" affectations to ring up millions of dollars in grant money:

Chubais: So, how about those Redskins?
USAID: Oh, don't even ask. Things just haven't been the same since Gibbs retired.
Chubais: Yeah, he was a great coach- really knew how to get the running game going.
USAID: Just move the chains, that's what it's all about.
Chubais: Yeah...so anyway, we're looking at about fifty million for the privatization center.
USAID: Oh, okay...will you be running it alone, or should we invite some others to participate?
Chubais: Well, I...Tic Tac?
USAID: Oh, no, no thanks, I've got gum.
Chubais: As you like. No, I think we can handle it ourselves, we've got free time.
USAID: Okay, well, we'll have that money transferred-
Chubais: Banque du Geneve, acct. # 314519578-
USAID: Wait, wait- one, nine, then what?
Chubais: I'll start over.

American policy, it turned out, was relatively easy to dictate. The people who held the most sway with the U.S. State Department proved remarkably open to suggestion, particularly the tweedy types in the Harvard Institute of International Development:

Chubais: So, listen, professor, you've got the wrong idea about the Securities Commission. If we let the Duma play a role in its structure, we'll never get an open securities market! We'll just create the whole thing by decree. Don't worry, we can do that here, it's a Russian thing.
HIID: Sure, but...
Chubais: Hey, listen, what do you drive back there in Cambridge?
HIID: Me? A Saab.
Chubais: Good mileage?
HIID: Fine, but it breaks down. It's an '83.
Chubais: It's yellow, right? I'm really good at guessing car colors.
HIID: Orange, actually.
Chubais: There, see, I was close! Listen, we really need more consultants here. Why don't you get yourself a bigger staff and a couple of Lincolns? We can find you a driver.
HIID: Well, I don't know. Money's tight, we were thinking of maybe building a hospital here...
Chubais: No, see, the thing is, you've got to teach us to build hospitals ourselves. (Beating breast). The Russian people will never be able to rise up out of poverty until Americans teach us how to be more efficient, you know? I know it's difficult for you to spare the manpower, but...since conditions are so difficult here, you really ought to be well paid. Maybe that way you can attract the right people. I mean, something along the lines of a $5000 a month housing allowance, a per diem, you know. I mean, you personally, a Harvard professor, you're well off, I'm sure you don't need it. But others might respond to that kind of incentive.
HIID: Well, maybe...
Chubais: And don't worry about that decree thing. We'll take care of that. By the way, did I show you this idea we had for our state auctions?
HIID: Uh, no.

In addition to being pliant and servile, the U.S. turned out to be an extremely useful political ally. I used their consultants and their legal experts to draw up the framework for the redistribution of property from the State to a selective group of banks. Believe it or not, the Americans were so convinced that the Communist opposition in government was the main stumbling block to progress that they didn't notice that they had virtually financed and written the plan for the extragovernmental transfer of power to an oligarchical clan of corporate raiders. Even funnier, they and the Uncle Toms they planted in places like the Federal Securities Commission were sure up until the very end that we were all close buddies. Even Commission chief Dmitri Vasilyev didn't guess that I'd gone behind his back to rat out that pair of Harvard losers I caught making themselves a little lunch money by trading on the inside on the Russian securities market:

Vasiliyev: I just don't understand this whole investigation. It just makes us look terrible!
Chubais: Gee, I know, it's awful.
Vasiliyev: This could sabotage everything we've been working for! If the public gets ahold of this, it'll give those bankers every reason to move in on the securities market. We won't have fair competition anymore!
Chubais: (Weeping) Our dream of creating a free and fair market will be ruined!
Vasiliyev: But USAID must know this. So why are they doing it? Who tipped them off? Who could possibly convince them to pursue this in public? Chubais: It must be those darned Republicans in Washington! They always hated us.
Vasiliyev: (Sighing) Yeah...Maybe if we'd spent less money on per diems...Those Republicans are such penny pinchers.
Chubais: They just don't understand that you need to spend money to get a result.
Vasiliyev: Break a few eggs to make an omelet!
Chubais: Exactly!

The HIID investigation I set in motion finally gave me the excuse to cut the cord with Uncle Sam. The self-satisfied snobs in Washington who for years had treated me as their little junior capitalist whipping boy were shocked when they received my one-paragraph letter, which effectively told them to take their six years and their hundreds of millions of dollars and shove 'em:

TO: Brian Atwood, USAID chief

Dear Mr. Atwood!

I request that you terminate all existing contracts between USAID and the Harvard Institute for International Development relating to market reform in Russia. Because of changing conditions, the agreement is no longer consistent with Russian interests.

I'd almost have been willing to hold a fair auction just to see the look on their faces when that rolled in over their fax machine. The letter, of course, could have included a thank you, but why bother? After all the things they'd helped me and their own staff get away with, they weren't in a position to give me a hard time in public or anywhere else, for that matter.

After that letter, all that was left of the prank was the icing on the cake- hanging that boy scout Vasiliyev out to dry. After I announced that Russia was abandoning its policy of keeping the Securities Commission separate, Vasiliyev found himself on the fast track to a job as a junior accountant in Arthur Andersen:

Vasiliyev: Tolya, please, think this over.
Chubais: Look, that's my final offer. I'll give you twenty bucks to do the whole lawn. If you rake the leaves I'll toss in a Snickers.
Vasiliyev: Man...
Chubais: Alright, time's up, I'm out of here. (Grabs laptop)
Vasiliyev: Wait! Okay, I'll do it.

Well, hey, Uncle Sam-thanks for the memories! I'll get lunch next time, I promise (wink wink!). In the meantime I'm going to catch up on some reading I missed in the last few years. I'll start with Lenin. I find something in his life story inspirational...