the eXile - The Virtual Voyeur

#9 | June 5 - 18, 1997

In This Issue

by Cy Borg

Lookin' for Love on the Web

It seems that we were all wrong last time. Spring has not arrived. But when it does, you can bet your darn tootin' that you'll be lookin' to get lucky. In preparation for that moment, the virtual voyeur is departing on track 6 on a tour of Internet depositories of desire both within and without Russia. Be forewarned, this is not a gardening column. This could change your life. So if you can't stand the heat go out onto the street. But if you're ready, mix yourself a martini, throw on a raincoat and fasten your seat belt as we go wookin' for wuv on the web.

If you're an eXpatti and you want to meet Russian men on the Internet, I have some bad news: the pickings are slim! (By the way, fans of the man should check out The Slim Pickens Page. If you are an eXpatrick looking for a your future Russian wife, the candy store is open for business around the clock. Even if you're an eXpatrique (an eXpat gay) or an exmatricia (an eXpat womyn with a dislike for patriarchal structures) you've got a much better chance than poor eXpatti.

No matter who you are, one of the best places to start for all of the above is Rasputin. This is sort of a digital analogue to the Russian magazine "Znakomstva" which is a monthly collection of personal ads in an assortment of flavors and textures. The Rasputin site, as far as sites go, definitely has high entertainment value, and is extremely user friendly with texts in English and photos with every ad.

Online photo personals are great because they so perfectly fit our busy lifestyles. The person with the fastest modem is clearly the cruise master. In a word, online photo personals are the virtual meat and fish markets of our time. What a time to be alive!

Seriously though, Rasputin covers a wide range of categories including: "she looks for he", "he looks for she", "he looks for he", "she looks for she", "he looks for sheep", "for couples", "marriage announcements", "pen friends", "travelling", "jobs" and the deliciously devious "miscellaneous." Truly something for everybody. But be warned, to put it mildly, there are some pretty scary people modeling themselves on these pages. The blow, however, is softened by the quasi-professional photos of posing people in various states of undress shot against marbled cloth backgrounds. (Probably one of those deals where people pay to have their ad up there, but have to use the house photographer.) What's really great though is that when the camera comes out, everyone gets their turn at being glamorous.

Why does every Russian guy with a computer looks like a Russian computer guy? Why does every Russian woman desperate to meet a foreign man look desperate to meet a foreign man? As noted, there are a few folks here that easily fall into the 'kashmar' category. But to their credit, there are some people worth checking out. Try Sergei the pseudo soldier stud (Q-103), or get a gander of Alexei (Q-213) and his gigantic snake, or perhaps you can try to befriend the beautiful Alena (Q-116). If she doesn't make you wish you were a lesbian (or glad to be one) then I'll call 03 and have them send the paramedics to defibrillate you. And if you spend enough time poking around this site, you just might meet the seasoned Arsen with his chocolate milk moustache who says "I will be the boy for flogging for a strict mistress. Obedience is garantied." I'll bet this guy gets more action than all of us put together.

Just remember, no matter what they look like, these folks are big time computer literate and have a grasp on basic marketing. So you might want to hire out of the personals, and use the job search sites to find and interview your cybermate. Like most mediocre things in Russia, Rasputin is not free. To respond to an ad, they have some scheme that involves $10 and a Sberbank. Sort of pricey for one address if you ask me.

If a spouse is not the kind of souvenir that you'd like to take home from Russia, then I suggest that you cruise on over to WebPersonals.Com. Here you'll find the four basic food groups: MSW, WSM, MSM, WSW in addition to activity partners, alternatives, pen pals and college town. After picking a flavor, you get to pick a country, and you'll find them all here. Whether it Bangladesh or Bulgaria, you will encounter a wide assortment of ads from all over the world. Russia too if you just can't resist. You might even find yourself planning your vacation around these ads.

If you'd rather post than browse, this site will accommodate that quite easily. You can even post your own photo ... or, alternatively, someone else's if cyber-terrorism is your thing. Too bad April just passed! What scores here is that all ads are in free form. You can post any message that you want (even change your identity if you like) and not have to answer questions about your height, weight, hair, eyes and size. Unlike Rasputin, this sight is completely free. Although you do have to register to have full access. Somewhere below we'll learn how to overcome this minor obstacle.

A really cool feature of this site is called "Love Hound." This feature allows you to specify your search criteria: flavor, country, gender, etc., and then automatically sends you e-mail when someone posts a new message that just might light your fire. What could be cooler than that?

An honorable mention should go to One & Only Internet Personals . This site is graphically exquisite, and features lots of ideas and topical material related to Internet personals. You can even read their selected ad of the month (which proves that someone reads these things). A recent recipient of this distinction reads "My name is Kathy. I am in Joliet, Illinois for 10 to 15 years for armed robbery, aiding and abetting, threatening a federal officer, and assault, all of which I did not do except the assault part, but that was after I came here." I don't know about you, but I'm going right out to pick a china pattern! Another, perhaps equally, threatening ad reads "Wipe that smile off your face little man. Ain't you never seen-you-a woman like this before? Get that finger out of your nose. Go get me a mushy card, some flowers and candy." Don't just stand there boy. Go get the lady some candy!

Russian lesbians can be found on a web-based bulletin board appropriately named A TARGET="_top" HREF="http://freeweb. centro.ru/nat/wwwboard/wwwboard.html">Russian Queer Message Board For Women , and Russian gays get their cyber kicks on a bulletin board called Russian/Ukrainian Club For Gay Space Werewolves. Truth really is stranger than fiction.

And if your looking to tie the knot with the Russian gal of your dreams, search Yahoo for "russian women" and you'll find a list a mile long of online marriage and dating agencies including Cupid's Arrow, Don't Be Alone Services, From Russia with Love, Russian Romance Marriage Consultants and Russian Ladies on the Web. It should be noted that, like marriage, most of these marriage-oriented sites carry a hefty price of admission.

If you do decide to take the plunge and post or respond to web-based personals, it may be wise to get yourself an alter-ego. You never know when you might just have to abort the mission wholesale and need a convenient out. Lord knows, we don't want any casualties around here - namely you and your reputation.

So to avoid such problems, surf over to Hotmail and sign up for a free e-mail account. This makes a great second mailing address and allows you to become whatever you want. When creating your own login avoid simplistic names like "John" or "Debbie." Hotmail is a very popular site and John and Debbie both got there long before you did.

Well, there you have it. A very mini tour of people and things to do on the web. This is, of course, only the tip of the tip of the iceberg. There is so much out there that you could spend months just browsing the personals. But that's for losers. Winners are active. Winners know what they want. Winners post their own ads and wait for the world to come to them. So go ahead, give it a try. Don't be shy. Would I lie?

I'll be mixing another martini. If you're one of those people that think martinis come in red or white, the you better check out Shaken Not Stirred: A Celebration of the Martini. Personally, I prefer the stir.