Issue #01/56, January 14 - 27, 1999  

A SCANLAN IN [SIC]-LAND

Hey!
We are clamoring ova heah for more eXile! Write another edition or something. Keep up the good work.

Patrick Scanlan

Dear Mr. Scanlan
That thing we did in issue 52 where we called ourselves "Moscow's Gay Alternative" was merely another in a series of sophomoric jokes. We're sorry if we led you astray.

EAR ELEPHANTS

"Krazy" Kevin,
Wow!! I have seen some obscure film critics in my time, but I have never seen a critic quite as obscure and irrelevant as you. I mean, how does it feel to know that the general public couldn't give two hoots about your opinions, no matter how on-target they might be? God, is it even fucking worth it?? Keep your chin up, "Krazy".

David (DumbAngel@webtv.net)

Dear "David,"
Krazy Kevin may be obscure and irrelevant, but you're the poor sap who's reading his reviews as you surf the web from a cubicle somewhere in middle America. So you tell us if it's fucking worth it. Also, you seem to have a problem with unnecessarily doubling your sentence-ending punctuation marks. We're here to tell ya that just a little bit of crank will take care of that affliction and have you churning out idiosyncrasy-free correspondence like a pro in no time.

ROLLING [SUC]

Dear eXile,
How can you morons take so seriously the fact that Rolling Stone wrote you up. Those assholes haven't been hip for about thirty years--they're the epitome of kultur krust. What has happened to the self-proclaimed "edgiest" newspaper in the world when its editors can't stop boasting about being in the most middlebrow entertainment magazine in America?

Tracy Hammer

Dear Ms. Hammer,
You just don't get it, do you? It's not that we care where our fame emanates from--it's that YOU care.

WOULD E LIE?

Dear Editor,
I understand that now that the crisis is gettin even worse and the holiday season has kept y'all short on body fluids you probably don't have too much of a desire to get back to work. Yet my demand is that you do so and provide partay-seekers with more updates on clubs and shows of our little Sodom and Gomorrah here. You got so lazy that your website hasn't been updated since December 3rd, Krazy Kevin only writes about how he stayed at home doing nothing, and Johnny Chen comes up with reviews of himself. How about something action live and new to offset the dark and gloomy Russkie winter? By the way a t-shirt would work just as good. You can always find me begging in the perehod from Chistiye Prudy to Turgenivskaya.

Horny Russian Xmas to you and your mom,
Eli.

Dear Eli,
Our market research dept. has assured us that we don't have to update anything or write anything interesting for at least another 9 issues, because people like you are guaranteed to continue picking us up or checking our website disappointing time after disappointing time. That's just the kind of readers we have. Don't hold your breath for the t-shirt. Or then again... yeah, whyn'tcha hold your breath, and we'll have the t-shirt over in a jiffy, okay?

SHITE AID

Whatever happened at the Save America bandit aid party? How many showed up and who? I wanted to show up but was busy.

Update your web site, please.

Confidentially,
Alex

Dear Alex,
The party was a total bomb. No one could get his or her mojo working on anyone else. There was a complete absence of mojosity. All we can say is, it was all their fault.

INTERNUT POWERDEAL

Dear Mark & Matt,
I recently saw a piece about your Exile project on CNN (we had a piece about us on the same day, coincidentally) and found it to be very interesting.

We currently produce a series of internet portals for regions of the world outside of the United States and Western Europe, called Orientation (http://www.orientation.com). We've been running a product covering Central & Eastern Europe for the past 8 months, and will be launching a bilingual product covering Russia in the next week. It seems that perhaps there may be an interesting opportunity to work together in some way. In particular, I would be interested in creating a special co-branded section on the english version of Orientation Russia for The Exile. You would maintain full branding, and this association would help to build your name and international profile. If you are interested in this concept, please let me know and we can discuss it in more detail.

Best Regards,
Jay Tindall, Founder, VP Product Development
Orientation - Think Globally Search Locally
LB3, 40 Conduit Road, Mid Levels, Hong Kong
Tel: (852) 2915 1288 Fax: (852) 2858 4843
Mobile: (852) 9022-1407
http://www.orientation.com
http://www.theblackbox.com

Dear Mr. Tindall,
Your concept sucks. Crawl back into that starch-collared, wedding-ringed, deal-making hole that you came out from, and don't ever bother us again.

Best Regards,
Matt and Mark