Issue #01/56, January 14 - 27, 1999 
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| Humor Porn |
| Critical Condition |
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It was one thing when interim editor Geoff Winestock went Vichy on us and reinvented the Moscow Times as an angry center-left newspaper in the weeks following Russia's debt default. We could almost stomach that part, and we even welcomed the challenge. But when he started instituting a strict policy of one humorous editorial per week--sort of the Times's version of casual day at the office--nearly everyone at the eXile was raging... uh, what's the word here... raging sad. Sad because for one thing, them editorials just wasn't funny at all. Being all things to all people may have worked for Bill Clinton, but we couldn't help but cringe at that display of middlebrow wackiness and shameless pilfering of an old eXile trick.
Our expert gambling chimp, Burt, saw things a little differently. Burt, as you'll recall, is our honorary adopted chimp who was born in a test tube and raised specifically to live out his life as a subject for live medical experiments. When he was still but a wee lad, Burt was injected with scores of specially cultured syphilis bugs, including strains that haven't even hit the human population yet and are thought to induce a pain--part burning, part itch--so intense that it would drive most men to suicide. Since Burt has entered the third, degenerative stage of syphilis, his body is covered in literally thousands of pustules, large and small. The upside to all this is that he can communicate to us not only through the standard medical-monkey shrieks, screams and wails, but also through a highly-developed, complex vocabulary that involves popping pustules in combination with several pitches of yipes and howls. For example, if he pops two forearm pustules and a shoulder fistula, then shrieks twice, Burt is saying that he thinks the eXile is merely jealous of the Moscow Times's successful attempts at emulating its humorous editorials, and should quit whining about it. If Burt uses his fist to smash all the fresh pustules on his left foot, while simultaneously screeching in a long, drawn-out manner, it means that Burt wants to make this view known to our readers. And that's exactly what we're going to let him do. In fact, Burt has even asked us to ask you to write to the Moscow Times editorial department (allen@imedia.ru) thanking them for letting a little humor into your lives, with a free t-shirt going to any eXhole who gets such a letter published in the Times.
Below, we have reprinted the most recent wacky Moscow Times editorial, complete with a legend of Burt's variegated laugh-responses. As you know, Eskimos have 26 words for snow; not to be outclassed, Burt has 10 ways of conveying the subtle shades of laughter. For what is laughter, but man's (and Burt's) way of saying, "Hey, you know, as bad as things are, I can stop for a moment and say, 'Hey, things aren't so bad. In fact, they're not so bad at all!'" We don't endorse Burt's wildly positive response to the MT editorial in question-but he insists that it's the funniest thing he's read since Dave Barry's legendary column on Jai Alai, a piece many consider to be the modern standard for centrist humor. We'll let you be the judge on this one. So that you can trace Burt's real-time reactions, we've attached icons next to each editorial joke signifying the type of laugh it produced in our medi-monkey. So hold on to your hats, folks! And your sides! Take it away, Geoff!
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Russia Must Push Reform Of Holidays |
| It has been a brutally tough time. Personal savings are depleted. People are exhausted from the forced inactivity of being out of work. And it is going to get worse before it gets better. | |
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We are speaking, of course, about the holidays. A casual observer might be tempted to think that they finally come to an end on Monday. But a closer examination of the facts reveals the chilling truth that there is one more holiday to get through, albeit an unofficial one: the so-called Old New Year, on Thursday, Jan. 14. |
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Then it's just 53 days until March 8, International Women's Day. |
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What's truly disheartening is how little is being done to end this abominable state of affairs. Yevgeny Primakov has been in office for months, yet his government has taken no action. How much longer must Russians suffer from stuffed bellies, hangovers and the company of irritating relatives? |
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There is still time. An omnibus package of legislation on urgently needed holiday reforms should immediately be submitted to the State Duma. Such legislation should address the following: |
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*There is a homemade dish called kholodets. It is basically meat in an aspic jelly. It is usually brownish. It must be stopped. |
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*The Soviet-era propiska system must be revived, but with an eye to returning all relatives immediately to their homes - and keeping them there. Law enforcement authorities should be assertive and decisive in launching an immediate sweep of all apartments. If extra police officers and vehicles are needed, Primakov must find the money. |
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*All efforts to turn Feb. 14, Valentine's Day in the West, into a Russian holiday must be crushed. Russia already has March 8; it does not need another lovey-dovey holiday. It will not be easy for State Duma deputies to challenge the greeting card-florist-red heart-shaped box of chocolates lobby. But we call on them now to summon their courage and to do what is right for the people. |
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Finally, a few words about this Old New Year - the one according to the Julian calendar. It's ridiculous. |
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OK, we'll give you Orthodox Christmas on Jan. 7, that's more or less logical. According to Orthodoxy, Christ was born on a certain day; arguably he's important enough to merit twisting the calendar. We'll even concede the Great October Revolution on Nov. 7 on the same grounds. |
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But the New Year is an entirely arbitrary and manmade date. Unlike the anniversary of Christ's birth or Lenin's victory, it is a construct of the calendar. If you change the calendar, you change New Year's day. Period. |
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This holiday carnage must be stopped. The long-suffering Russian people deserve better. |
(Send your letters of appreciation to the Moscow Times via fax at 257-3211 or 257-3621, or by email to Allen@imedia.ru or by post to The Moscow Times, Ulitsa Pravdy, Dom 24, 125865, Moscow, Russia. The Moscow Times reserves the right to edit your letters. Letters should be signed and bear the signatory's address and telephone number. We also ask that you use the word "comedy" at least three times in your letter. Remember, there's a t-shirt in this, folks. Burt will make it worth your time.)
