Issue #08/63, April 22 - May 6, 1999  

LESBIAN [sic]GULL

Mark, Matt:
Great stuff. I'm going to send it to ALMOST everyone I know. Tone down the language and get rid of the shallow stuff and you have an EXTREMELY strong argument for the USA to make up some story OR ACTUALLY ADMIT IT HAS MADE A MISTAKE ( Oh my God) and get out... quick.

Thanks.
Bill Pfeiffer

Dear Bill,
Are you the guy they based the Mr. van Driessen character on? Tone down the all-caps and you may look just that slightly less foolish by writing a letter to us, m'kay?

KNEE-JERK KNEE-GRO

hi folks. i live in new york city and teach at pratt institute. on thursday, i took my media class to your site because i thought your feature article would be good for them to read. the student who was typing in the url saw your homepage come up, he's african american, read "negro comix" to the class and walked away. i told him to click and check it out to see what was there but he wasn't interested and that was that.this is an incendiary topic in the u.s.(who gets to use which words) and even tho the title is innocent enough, it might have a different reading here from your intentions. just thought you might like to know of this reaction.

best,
perry

Dear Perry
What kind of a racist pig are you?! You should not only be fired, but the offended negro boy should immediately file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against you, against your comically named "Pratt Institute," against the state of New York, and against the System. You have no right forcing a negro boy to read the word "negro comix". Our artist, a young Zamibian student living in Moscow, has told us that he's deeply outraged and plans to write a letter to your superiors right away demanding your removal.

NOSTRADUMBASS

Let me get this straight- You guys have spent the last few years building a solid reputation for yourselves as a caterer to the lower, bottom feeding strata of humanity and now you are goining to try and raise the battle call and get all your braindead compatriots together for a protest?? You know as well as I do that there ain't gonna be no 'tentative' demonstration on April 17th, or any other day for that matter. And I wonder what those letters to our US ambassador will look like. Hairy asses and big tits with funny, crude messages scrawled here and there. HA HA HA. You guys couldn't raise an army of hungry flies to an Ethiopian picnic. You've committed yourselves nicely to the degenerate cause of humor and now you'll never rise above it. Your committed to the lower vegetable species of thinking for the rest of your life, Enjoy it there.

Dear Enjoy,
We gotta admit, we do enjoy it here. You may have noticed that our demonstration took place, was covered by some 40 news organizations (see this article), and resulted in an invitation to speak before the State Duma as well as appearances on ORT television. You're not doing so bad for yourself, it seems. Writing bitter anonymous emails to a newspaper is always a sign of a fulfilled life. And those prognosticating skills: spooky, dude. You freak us out!

JAILBAIT

Sic
You know I have no other reason for liking you site except I actually got my ass busted over reading it.So now I have to like you.I understand 90% of what you are talking about.Pretty good for Kentucky..right?Yeah, Russian politics rule the day here.O.K.I swear to God "Deliverance "was realistic.Promise. Anyhow, Mark ,I like to read your articles.You seem kind of wicked and dark.So my first statement was not entirely true.Maybe I just like the way you write.I would like to be a writer. Maybe.Is it Ok to be a fan of yours? Or will you just flame my ass?I am 15(total girl) and I live in a place called Glasgow.With foster parents.They are way good and decent.Total Christians.I try not to hold it against them. I try to be open minded and like them anyway.I dont belong here at all.Hah.It's just that I popped up your site with the pic of you with boobs and they freaked.Well, hell.I didn't know the bitches were behind me.They are sneaky quiet I think.Anyhow..every f/kid in America should be required to read "Death Porn".I absolutely feel spoiled rotten when I read it.Not that I have it bad or anything.I don't.But your site makes me feel superior to SOMEBODY.YESSS!!! Its Ok if you dont have time to answer me.Why should you? I am a little afraid of you anyway.You are kind of vicious.But,I like you way more than the people I live with. At least you are interesting.It's Ok if you can't respond .I know you are busy.

bye Katie

Dear Katie,
Hey, language, Katie. Since yer all-of-15, ye're darn tootin'' we'll respond. It's good to know that, thanks to the wonderful Information Superhighway, the eXile is doing its little part in Enlightening America's youth and in bringing the world just that much closer. And ye're darn'd tootin' about feeling superior. One piece of advice, Katie: get the hell out of Kentucky. If you're still stuck there when you're 19, you'll die there.

KICK THE CAN-A-DA

Dear Editor,
War has become a necessity in American culture: Vietnam, Lybia, Iraq, and now Yugoslavia. My own country, Canada, has been drawn into the U.S. foreign policy morass. What is so disheartening is that the U.S. is using sophisticated propaganda. Many Canadians, who are far better educated than their southern neighbours, have become victimized by it, however unwittingly. To justify bombing Serbia and Montenegro over the Kosovo crisis, Clinton reiterates in every possible variation the imperative for the U.S. to oppose "ethnic cleansing and the slaughter of innocent people." The Clinton Administration interprets the killing of KLA irredentists from Albania as "slaughter of innocent people." To this day, American media has consistently lied to the American and Canadian public [... letter continues ranting]

Michael Petrovich, Serbian-Canadian journalist

Dear Michael,
We enjoy weird letters, but you really lost us with this whole weepy woe-was-Canada garbage. Canadians victimized by America? They flock to our country for cultural and intellectual enrichment like wildebeests to a river. Sure, once in a while, we jump out and snap their heads off, but that's all part of the fun. As a Serbian, you should understand!

JEW-DAR SPOTS INCOMING

Dear Editors,
Question: Are the Robber Barons predominately Russian Jews?

A reader

Dear reader,
What Robber Baron isn't? Know what we mean, eh? Nudge-nudge.

JUST PLAIN DUMB

I just want to tell you that since I've run out of toilet paper, I've been wiping my ass with your newspaper. But then, maybe that's a compliment: it reminds me of a buddhist story: There was a young buddhist monk who decided to start wiping his ass (just like me, see?)... [what follows is one of those ridiculously subtle/impotent parables with East Asian characters that are supposed to hurt an opponent in argument far deeper than straight-forward argument--Ed.]

Monk

Dear Monk
That line about using our newspaper as toilet paper was brutal and hilarious in a unique way. The bawdy parable that followed was just plain devastating.

GEORGE OF THE BUNGHOLE

Dear Whitewashers,
I assume you will have a big celebration marking Adolf Hitler's birthday. I hope you and Limonov have a good time.

George Marquart

Marquart,
We celebrated. It was a blast. Songs, dancing, laughter and tears. We roasted a little Anglican church boy at the end. He cried out your name as he died. Thanks for remembering. Sieg Heil!

SWEET-ISH

The Exile is an impressing piece of information on Russia. There is no publication that covers the situation here in Russia as The Exile. It must be great to be brilliant!

Humble regards
Per Enerud
correspondent, Swedish Television

Dear Per,
Being brilliant is a burden, but we struggle through. What's it like being Swedish?

SOME GUY'S OPINION

your site is too fucking weird. Liked the article "101 reasons..." it's about time somebody had the balls to write those words. I am so fucking angry at the bullshit that's being spewed by the media I just want to... (better left unsaid). I haven't been to Srbija or Kosovo, so I can't speak from experience, but I just can't help knowing that the U$ has a hidden agenda and we won't know what that is/was until the dust has settled and the dead are long buried. In light of the circumstances, it seems that NATO should be renamed USTO - United States Terrorist Organization! The cavalry to the rescue, with president Clinton leading the charge, and all the other little shites behind him. The whole mess just MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE!!! BTW, thanks for letting me vent, Nenad

Dear Nenad,
For some weird reason, we have nothing to say to your letter.