Issue #11/66, June 3 - 17, 1999  

THE UNION JOKE

Man, you guys are so full of shit. Your view of a class-riven England is based on pin-headed American prejudices that are as stale as your underwear. Try going to England and meeting some real people rather than writing about what you imagine England is like these days. Your caricatures are as dishonest as most Westerners' views of Russians.

You are all pathetic fuckers.

Have a good one.

Dear Anglo-Saxon Friend,
Boy did we screw that one up! You're right, we apologize. There is no class "issue" in England. Let's set the record straight here. Your country is a world power of the first order, whose centuries-old experience is the real brains behind the otherwise hollow American might. Also, your teeth are all white, straight, and completely free of that brown shit that pin-headed tourists all say you have. Martin Amis is a genius. And oh yeah, your women--the most beautiful creatures on earth.

CORN-COOLEY-O

Exile-
I find it interesting that you went to interview Lebed with CNN. It seems for all your talk of the Sovietization of the American press, and how you are the first dissidents and such, that when CNN or Nightline calls, you jump, and then brag about it in the paper. It seems that you like to talk shit but when it comes right down to it you suck the dick.

Paul Cooley

Dear Paul,
You're so cooley, you probably listen to college radio music. And were the first in your dorm to complain that Helmet sold out with Meantime... or that Sting sold out after the haunting Soul Cage. In fact, we're gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you have the pointiest beard in all of Moscow, a beard so pointy that you can actually puncture a titanium-shelled Starbuck's coffee thermos with it, and still use it to scrawl little tattooes on your arms. That's how cooley you are.

THAT'S "INSIGHTFOOL"

Dear Exile:
Stumbled across your web real estate while reading about this horrifying Kosovo matter. I just have one question: How the hell is it that some of the best, most incited commentary not only comes from RUSSIA but is written by AMERICANS???????? I am so dizzy these days it is hard to stand up anymore. Thank you from the land o'broken reason!

Sincerely,
Doug West

Dear Mr. West,
You should probably stay seated.

MISERY

To the Editor,
Could someone please tell little Marky that we am all sorry him had such a hard time growing up in suburbia? Him a poor little white boy who make naughty poo in public, and maybe one day mommy will come spank, just like him want her to. And while they're at it, could someone (maybe you, Taibbi, you big honking goon) tell Marky that the whole world is not a bunch of "two-dimensional" assholes; it's just him.

Yours in Christian love,
Roman Spektorsky

Dear Roman,
If you love Ames so much, why play hard to get? It'll be a lot easier for everyone if you just come out and say what you mean. C'mon, go ahead... say the magic words, Roman! You might be surprised... and hugely depressed.

A PERFECT THEORY

Hi guys!
Though not being a particular fan of the physiological part of your paper, I must tell you guys, your coverage of Serbia is great! At least, it proves that not ALL Americans is a primitive, robotic nation of degenerate materialistic smiling-jogging idiots, preoccupied with cholesterol and calorie control, the rights of sea whales and tropical forests, ozone layers, Negros, abortions, harassments, perverts and handicapped - all too easily manipulated by a cynical and hypocritical gang of thieves, sexual and political maniacs, professional crooks and liars and war criminals. But I think, this war is not "just" killing women and kids and destroying hospitals and embassies and monasteries, and not only makes it the worst nightmares of WWIII come true. The worst thing is, it compromises, undermines and discredits the values of the free world and democratic civilization, making those who disagree, side with renegade political marginals. And, it looks like you are not saying the most important thing. Don't you think that what is happening is a clumsy Soviet-styled effort by the world's Jewish-governed finance/propaganda empire, domiciled in the US, to impose their reign on the part of Christendom which still remains beyond their control. And they are doing it with their usual double/triple/etc standards, by making use of backward, cruel and wild tribes as Chechens (and you loved them - before they made people see your guys; heads cut off, put on a road), Albanians, et al., supporting any kind of menace which could help them hit their targets. And they don't give a damn about democracy (being friends with such "democracies" as Saudi Arabia etc), they just want to get what they want. Ethnic rights and nationalism (you've got your God-bless-America-nationalism, right?) are just a pretext for them to destroy Serbia, just like they had anti-communism as a pretext to destroy Russia.

Thanks anyway,
SASH

Dear Sash,
Our hearts tell us you're onto something there, but our minds tell us that you're a horse's ass.

WANKER

editor,
bet you think you guys are the vanguard for being against the war in yugoslavia. i just have two words for you to mull over, srebrenca, and chechnya. As with most true whiners, you go on and on with how the war is bad, but give no alternatives on how to stop the murder and crushing of a people that has been going on for ten years. you can make fun of my name now.

adam kevorkian

Dear Adam,
No, your name is fine. It's your attempt to play cooler-than-thou with massacres that makes us sick. Yeah, dude: you were into the Balkans on their first CD, before they sold out. If you keep this up, you may even earn a pointy-beard medal.

LOW-PRATT DIET

Dear Sirs
In every letters section I read people bad mouth Stuart Pratt. I think that's terrible! He is a welcome change from all the sophomoric humor and blatant sexism that pervades your newspaper. The only reason I pick up your paper is for the club section, and I read Johnnie Chen but once, and that was enough, but Stuart gives straight up reviews without all the hormonal grandstanding, which was obviously a cover for a real weakness (if you know what I mean). I say to Stuart: "Keep up the good work". There are some people out here who do appreciate you.

Maria Lopes
Moscow

Stuart Pratt replies: "Dear Maria, thank you for showing courage and speaking up. I think your letter points to a much larger issue: the 'gender gap,' as it were, that this puerile newspaper suffers from. In particular, all of the letters sent to this paper intended to attack me came from sexually frustrated males, while I draw particular support from what I call the 'Silent Majority,' including the large, underrepresented female readership. It's because of you that I continue to stick it out and put up with all the b.s. Hopefully, this will encourage more women, particularly progressive expat women, to come out into the open and speak their minds."

LASZLO THE HUN

Sir,
Limonov is right. Albanians are an unpleasant lot of gipsy like muggers, seem to be genetically inclined to criminality, just like Chechens, a similar gang. They control large part of the European heroin and stolen car trade. Limonov is right, they are a primitive lot. Still, a sleek, polished communist thief and lier like Miloshevich, a Serb, a more sophisticated kind of brute himself and a real rotten fascist, has no right to judge and execute them. But now, who are the Americans, biggest hypocrites of all, to judge and execute, in a "humanitarian" war, a European peoples, innocent civilians in the first place, whom they can not even pinpoint on a map? Doesn't it make you sick?

Yours, Laszlo

Dear Laszlo,
We think of ourselves as fairly fucked-up kids with pretty convoluted ideologies, but if you (or any reader) could explain the moral thread of that condensed string of psychotic Central European fascist babble, we'll offer you a free dinner at one of our advertisers. And that's no blarney!

WISE WORDS

Mark ! I want to express my deepest thanks for the article about Julia and you, about the Palm Pilot and it's role in life of the foreigner living in Russia. Frankly speaking, I've read it with much better interest than the results of Boris's impeachment. I admire your decision about bringing her the Pilot, she REALLY deserves it ! And, by the way, if your opinion matches mine exactly 101%, I think this means that we are both know, what Gaidar-era girls are. Please, do me a favour, would you? Next time, kick her lilly ass for me, OK? ;) I would highly appreciate it, Mark. Thank you very much again, Yours faithful EXILE reader, Dmitry.

P.S. You are welcome to publish this letter, if it worth the paper (that's why I've sent you an e-mail).

Dear Dmitry,
Done! Kicked her ass, but it isn't lilly anymore (and hey, nice Offspring reference there, "dude"). More of the pansy black-and-violet hue. Thanks for the good advice: it worked! She doesn't ask for Palm Pilots anymore--just bandages and antibiotics.