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low-yield murder |
"skull-brain trauma" |
podyezd |
really stupid criminal |
children |
cries for help ignored |
murder-suicide |
"investigation continuing" |
carved up like a turkey |
related to victim's job |
cannibalism |
riddled with bullets |
old people |
Hunger-related murder |
A COMEDY OF ELDERS
Scene: the run-down kitchen, smelling of old people, in a crooked little house in the rural village of Zaoksky, in the Tulskaya Oblast. Time: April,
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"There! You found it! My G-Spot!" |
1999. Cast: an 82 year-old pensioner, her 80 year-old sister, police, undertakers. Props: two canes. Act 1: the curtain rises on two elderly sisters having an argument. Act II: the two elderly sisters start hitting each other with canes. Act III: younger sister falls down dead from cane-induced skull-brain trauma; elder sister picks up murder weapon, hobbles into hiding all the way to the Moscow oblast town of Serpukhov. Act IV: Police, deducing that Sister A is the only company dead sister B has head in years, tracks down criminal in Serpukhov. Handcuffs administered. Finita la comedia. Is this a great country, or what?
FINGER-LICKIN' DEAD
Brace yourselves, folks: it's new icon time in the Death Porn section. We're bringing Starvin' Ivan up from the our triple-A Bardak team to step into the Death Porn rotation. That's because a new breed of crime is apparently taking hold in Russia-- hunger-related murder. This is the second one we've had this month, and it's a doozie-- a double murder, coming to you straight from the late, great Tyumeinskaya Oblast town of Nizhniye Karimkari. The story began in mysterious fashion: villagers in the tiny settlement discovered the body of a hastily-buried nine year-old boy. Before police even had time to locate the parents, the boy's four-year old sister appeared in the hospital of a nearby town. She'd been fed... battery acid. While she rapidly faded in intensive care, her mother was waking up in a neighboring room from an alcoholic coma.
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"Hey, haven't you assholes used this picture before?" |
Badges and epaullettes were the first things to meet her eyes as she awoke. The interrogation was a one-sided affair that Mom lost without much of a fight. Authorities quickly determined that Mom and her no-good drunkard boyfriend had strangled the boy and poisoned the girl, who incidentally died within 24 hours of arriving at the hospital. Mom's excuse? "We couldn't feed them." According to Kriminalnaya Khronika, this was the second such occurrence in the area within ten days. Earlier, in the village of Borovsky, a 45 year-old woman had poisoned her daughter, then slashed her own wrists and passed away in the bathtub. There, too, poverty was the most likely motive.
TAKE MY BIKE, PLEASE!
We all remember stories like this from our own youth...only ours had different endings. In Ulan-Ude recently, a mother and father gave their 13 year-old child a bicycle as a birthday present (have you guessed how this story ends yet?). On the day it was given to him, the boy took the bicycle out for his first ride (you must have guessed by now!). As he exited the door, a 14 year-old deaf boy, a "special kid" who'd just been transferred to the local
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"Wow, we're so excited that our picture's going to be in TV Park!" |
school for the handicapped, came up to boy A and asked for a ride. Boy A, not greedy, handed over the bike. Boy B took a long, silent, ride. And liked it. A lot. So much, in fact, that he decided not to part with the bike. So far, so good. We went through this as kids. But here's the twist, which you've probably guessed by now; boy B not only decided to keep the bike, but eliminate the witness to his theft, hide the body, and stash the bike in his sister's apartment. He took a knife and slashed the birthday boy's throat, then dumped him in a deserted car garage. He never heard the cops coming. Moral of the story: instead of bikes, buy your kids metal turtlenecks.
RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE
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Message to anyone considering selling their personal possessions: don't. That is, don't do it publicly. Because you'll get bitch-slapped. Or, if not you yourselves... But we're getting to that. Here's what happened. A family in the Khabarovsk oblast put an ad out in the local newspaper one day announcing that they were selling their garage and their car. They sold it. Some time later, their two children were on their way home from school when two strange men approached them on the street. They used some subterfuge to threaten their way into the family apartment, locked the younger child (a nine year-old boy) in the toilet, and dragged the older boy, a12 year-old, to the bathtub. They filled the tub with water and started dunking his head under, barking out the Khabarovsk equivalent of "Where's the fucking money?" You see, the thieves had read the ad in the paper, noted the absence of the family car, and determined that there had to be a large quantity of cash on the apartment. They were right. The boy coughed up the information, but that, unfortunately, didn't save his life. For whatever reason, the bandits decided to finish the job and drowned the poor kid in the tub. The father found his body there when he came home later. The money, plus the usual rubbish-- VCR, paste jewelry, etc.-- was gone. And the investigation is still, as they say, continuing.
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