Thank you,
George Petrov

Dear Mr. Petrov,
H'm, very thought-provoking. So what you're saying is, if Limonov praises one set of madmen in America, then... then... let's see if we've got this right... then what's to stop him from praising ANOTHER set of even crazier madmen right here in his own country! Good god! That's just plain mad! Think of the consequences!

THE PRATTAGON PAPERS

Dear Pratty,
I thought you were major wank all this time, maybe even a fraud and/or invention of my worst nightmares. Now I think you're in for big journo prizes, Pratty-boy, for having scooped all n sundry with your piece on the big customs scandal at Shite-emetyevo. Unless, of course, it's all a big eXile prank and the two hairy wankers put Boris up to changing the customs laws (luring him with a case of Stolchny vodka) just to confirm your little article. We're following you, Pratty, and we're all proud that you scooped the Moscow Times et al by a whole soddin week. So, you've made a believer out of all of us, and we look forward to your illustrious future. So here's my advice, on behalf of all your adoring multitudinous followers: DON'T RESIGN! You're the only tosser at this newspaper with any life in you.

Prince Charles

Dear Charles,
Stuart Pratt replies: "While I can't exactly claim that my scoop on the abrupt and shocking change in the customs currency laws is exactly on par with the New York Times's scoop on the money laundering scheme at Bank of New York, I do hope that it sends a message as to what I can offer the journalism community. And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere just yet. I am in discussions with a few local news bureaus about possible work, but in the meantime, I have to just put my head down and move forward with what I have. Thanks again."

YOU OWE(N) ME

Dear,
Whilst witnessing the caloric excess of my relatives on our federally-subsidized farm in North-Central Montana, and fresh from a year in Osh, Kyrgyzstan, I was stunned to see the sloppy ruins of journalistic integrity on the nightly news. It seems CBS, at least on Saturdays, thinks that really important stories about the decadent Muscovite nightlife fits the bill. Owen 'Snaggle-Mouth' Matthews was in the pundit-seat declaiming the hedonism and capitalist boom taking over once-commie Moscow, and the cameraman, who must have been really stoked to get his goober-ass past face control, tried his best to imitate Club Dance on TNN as he toggled in and arched over the dancing babes. 'Get here as fast as you can', quoted one bebearded dorkpipe. Well, I'll say it anyway. My relatives were all convinced that this is what I had been doing whilst eating Uzbek plov and sitting crosslegged with the Moslems. No matter what I said or showed in the way of heavily-thumbed photographs, all my obese, pork-eating, lard-brownie-butt family members thought that my mentally debilitating year in South Kyrgyzstan was nothing but discos, discos and more discos. Ahh, but if they only knew. Instead of what CBS claimed was the 'truth' about Russia, I had instead only loose beer and free women. Fuck CBS and fuck the rest of the press. You guys, at least you don't lie so much. Chris Baldwin

Dear Mr. Baldwin,
It seems you don't get it. Your parents WANT to believe that for once in your life, you were getting loose beer and free women. They've been worried about you and frankly so are we.

WOMAN AT WORK