Issue #11/92, June 8 - 22, 2000  

MAXIM MAN

I have been checking out your highly useful sight over the last few weeks as I will be in Moscow for a week starting June 1. I have heard that people tend to dress sort of drab to not stand out/attract the flathead crowd/etc, but I have to imagine that the club scene is pretty varied. Could you give me some guidelines on what is pretty standard/required dress-code wise as you “move up the scale” from watering holes to the decadence level?

I am meeting up with a friend in New York and we get in Friday around noon. Any suggestions out of your extensive bar listings on the web site for where to start Friday night? Another friend of mine who has been living in Bulgaria the last year is going to get in Thursday night and any recommendations for then would be appreciated as well.

Thanks in advance for any help,

Dan

Dear Dan,

You’re right, the weird thing about Russia is that you don’t stand out if you’re dressed drably. Weird, true, but hey, they’re Russians, you know? Given this strange set of fashion circumstances, our design experts suggest that you wear very tight silver spandex pants, a red sequin tank top, cowboy boots, and a shiny white yarmulke with blinking Christmas lights around the rim. Chicks here dig that sort of thing, and flatheads respect it. And hey, when it all works out, don’t bother thanking us. Helping expats help themselves is just part of our job.

BEN HURL

eXile,

I’m an American planning on traveling to Russia early this September. I’ve been unable to find a Russian sponsor for a 3 month visa and I’m trying to avoid all the bullshit which comes with the tourist visa. I’ve contacted you in the hope that your good nature will guide you to help a poor sap like myself make contact with a Russian willing to sponsor a stranger’s visa.

thanks,

Ben Edelman

Dear Mr. Edelman,

We contacted over 11,000 Russians asking if they’d sponsor Ben Edelman’s visa, and each, oddly enough, told us, “idi na khui!” What that means, Ben, is that you’re going to have to speak to what in America are called “travel agencies”. In these “travel agencies” they will help you arrange a visa. We know this sounds complicated, but if you ever manage to peel your lips from your bong, you might be able to figure it out.

RECTUM READER

Are you still on the road or are you back in Russia by now? The site’s been down for awhile and the one thats up now is from mid-April you were halfway between the midwest and California then. Did you or do you have any plans to make to America’s Rectum — Florida? Thanks.

Patrick Rothblatt

Dear Mr. Rothblatt,

We actually thought that Florida is America’s that-thing-that-hangs-down-from-the-top-of-your-throat, while you, Patrick Rothblatt, are the rectum of America’s thing-that-hangs-down-from-the-top-of-your-throat. Clearly we’re wrong. You’re just a moron.

SPELLING CHAMP

Dear Sirs,

My wife Thelma and I just came back from a 10 day junket tour of Moscow and, keeping in line with so many other modern writers, journalists, politicians and American hotel employees we have decided to write a book full of pithy insights, cultural double-talk and over intellectualized babble about about it. We are entitling it “Eternal Russia: Land of Mystery” We are baseing the title on that famous qoute by Winston Churchhill “ Russia, is a...land and people that have been completly fucked in every orifice for eons” Perhaps this is a misqoute.

Anyway, there is one thing which as done got us confuzed, and mabye you can help us with it. Why is it that ya’all ‘aint got any negroes there, but them Russians ACT just like our own home-grown Negroes!!!! Well that is to say, they act just like our negores would if they did’nt have rythm, sexual prowess and intellectual abitities.

So we were thinking that mabye we should develop a U.S. Government sponsored program, via the Clinton administration, it would be based on the principals of the Peace Corps, but entitled “Negro Corps”. Wherein the U.S. would send inner-city Negroes over to Russia to help work as techincal advisors and role models.

They could teach the Russians such vital and useful skills as : Establishing street-corner crack sales distribution points, holding up liquor stores, out landish appaeral and dress fashions, egrigious and comical display of cheap gold jewlery, mindless and absurd pop music, un-wed mothering, living for generations upon miserly government hand outs while producing nothing but complaints about the state of one’s life and the un-just and indifferent government, drug and alcohol addiction, peputration of senselessly violent criminal acts upon one neighbors, loved ones and fellow employees (i.e. for the select few that actually have employment), ignorance and aborrance of personal hygine, street corner prostitution, child abuse, super-senitivity to questions of national and ethnic inferiority while dogmaticaly defending one’s illogical and absurd postion, being mindlessly violent and oppressive to the weak and defensless while syncophantically prasing those of greater power than ones self, un-concionably theiving and stealing with wild abandon from humanitarian aid programs, amorality, and the list goes on...

Many, if not all, of the above stated attrubutes Russians already posess, albiet, in a larval form. They just need a little direction and advice to bring these things into full bloom, so guys, what do you think?

Wilbur and Thelma Turnipseed

Goatlips, Mississippi

PS: (FOR YOUR EYES ONLY) If you clowns EVEN THINK of publishing my real name you will have the choice of three fates:

1) Being wrapped in barbed-wire and set alight by MVD troops.

2) Being seduced and serviced for free by one of my specially trained FSB prostitues who is able to hide a razor blade in her snatch, thus, slicing your pitiful little members like a ball-park frank.

3) Publishing loudly and screaming from the roof-tops the fact that you both moonlight for The Moscow Times and The Russia Journal under the noms de guerre of Matt Bivens and Andre Poinkovsky.

PPS: If you wish, I will be more than happy to contribute regular insight and offensive pieces for a trifling douceur...

We were thinking that mabye we should send some of our own Negroes over to you to provide them Russians with role models and ideals on

Dear Mr. Georgoff,

We didn’t know that trailer parks were wired up to the Information Superhighway. Wow, that’s exciting stuff! How do you surf the web AND fuck your sister at the same time? You hillbillies really are amazing! And hey, judging by your grammar and spelling skills, looks to us like you sure as heck don’t need any Negro training. Yo go, Goatlips!

SARA DON’T SMILE

Please terrorize Portland, Oregon.

Sara Schwefel

Dear Ms. Schwefel,

Portland, eh? H’m. Sounds pretty fringe-y. Isn’t that place supposed to be like even edgier than Seattle? Give us time to get our tattoos and eyebrows pierced, and we’ll feel confident enough to visit a town as fringe-y as Portland. Meanwhile, whyncha send us a JPEG of your butt-hole?

ANOTHER ANNOYING ASSHOLE

Hello!

I found this site from a customer of ours who is currently in Moscow and turned me on to this site. I’m also from Madison and wondering if you are in Moscow or Madison, I’d love to chat with you about your experience there in the Motherland. I’ll be in Madison around the 4th and seriously considering defecting to Russia.

Best Regards,

Carlos Rodriguez Lewison

Product Specialist/Internal Trainer

Monster Cable Products Inc.

HoMO EXPERT

After a HMO refuses to pay, it is the hospital that puts the patient on the street. The Doc’s or the bean counters at the hospital could opt to treat the patient but instead they also refuse to pick up the tab. Practicing medicine is all about money and you play into the bullshit when you make it sound like it’s only the HMO to blame. How come there aren’t any pharmaceuticals on your list?

Marcus

Redmond, Wa.

Dear Marcus,

Atta boy, that’s tellin it like it is! Hard-hitting, no bullshit, cut-to-the-bone facts. What else could one expect from a guy who lives between the two fringe-iest cities in America, Portland and Seattle? Thanks so much for your informative letter. We’ll be sure to keep it in mind the next time we’re fucking a teenager and stealing the rubles from her purse.

[SIC] OR GET OFF THE POT

Dear editor,

My manager needs a couple copies of the latest issue of EXile. We’ve been looking out for it in the center, but in vain. As far as I understand, he needs it urgently. I have been trying to contact you by telephone, but your line is permanently busy. Would you kindly arrange for the delivery of 2 copies at my name to the following address:

Tverskaya ul., XXXX

Many thanks in advance.

Sincerely,

Nadezhda

Dear Nadezhda,

Our guess is that your manager had to take a shit when he asked you to send this email, and he wanted a copy of the eXile to take with him to the toilet, but couldn’t find one. He’s not alone: indeed, four out of five doctors at the American Medical Center agree that the eXile helps facilitate the fecal process, making it a thoroughly enjoyable, smooth affair, whereas other English-language newspapers have a tendency to cause the rectum to contract or go into spasms. That’s why our newspaper gets snapped up so quickly by incontinent readers, making it so difficult to find. Now, here’s the problem. You sent the letter to us on Tuesday, and you’re probably just reading this on Friday, meaning that your manager still hasn’t taken his shit and he’s probably doubled over in serious pain awaiting his copy of the eXile so that he can run to the toilet and enjoy himself while on the pot. We’d like to arrange to have the copies delivered to your office, but frankly, we’re afraid that your manager might explode the minute we get there, and our employee insurance program doesn’t cover injuries incurred while handing a copy to a reader who has to take a huge dump. For all of your troubles, Nadezhda, your boss has just won himself an eXile Roundeye T-shirt. Why’s that? Because he’s clearly an important person in a decision-making position, and those are the kinds of people we tend to favor. We’ll also throw one in for you, provided you remove your upper garments and put the T-shirt on in our offices... in front of us. Fair deal?

Cards

Links

The Vault

Gallery

Who?