By Edward Limonov
Doctor Limonov studied first-hand love-making habits of different women, that he could compare their qualities, stretching from the time of 70s until now, geography of his copulations stretching across most of northern hemisphere. What follows is result of rigorous research.
Brazilian. Fernanda, 26, was of a Spanish blood. Black hair, darkish skin, with a heavy ass and massive thighs. Too well-educated, studied at university under professor-writer Jorge-Luis Borges. Not very good in bed because unflexible body. Complained of inconvenience of throwing legs too high and of general "cruelty" of treatment in bed. However, lovemaking with her was an intense experience, as she was a daughter of wealthy merchant and Edward-man was poor and unemployed. She called him with hate "Trotsky." He fucked her with hate and "cruelty." They met in the East Village of New York.
American. Next door girl, Julie, 22, eldest daughter of FBI agent, from a Virginian family of six children. Tall, pretty, heavy ass, slim long legs, but little bit cross-eyed. Of simple, almost peasant habits, she was a house-keeper of a rich New York City socialite, she made her own bread, and practiced belly dancing. Superb, unbeatable friend, she felt little of love-making 'cause of too big vagina and some other probably clinical reasons that her partner Edward ignored.
Jewish. Marilyn, 21. Tall, slim, perfect tits. Have had some psychological problems, resulted in a strange phobia, in a habit to pinch out hair of eyebrows and those on her head. Sported a wig constantly, even if under a shower. Was a very good fucker, one of the best in Edward's life.
French. Drug-dealer Ellen, 37. Aging jail-bird, in and out of prison. Skinny, wrinkled, may be too hot and sleazy inside, but very good as a love-partner. Very attentive to the man's needs, proud to be "clean French woman." She would clean her partner's genitals after love-making with a hot wet towel, saying, "I am not an American, I am French woman." Used Quaaludes/cocaine combination for love-making. Good old girl. God save her at the Ricker's Island Women's Yard. If she is still there.
Mongol Yelena, 20, nick-named "Tugrik." Daughter of a pure-blooded Mongol from Ulan-Bator in Republic of Mongolia and Russian mother. Mongol-faced and Russian-bodied. Pretty, tall, elegant girl with a charming drunken habit and accompanying it nymphomania. Completely shameless, born to fuck, "everybody's darling," opening her legs after few whiskeys.
French. Jacqueline, Countess, 40. Tall, skinny, alcoholic, from Parisian world of high fashion. Used to drink heavily and have a habits of an alcoholic truck-driver, rather than those of countess. When drunk, would fall, would enter driver's door of her car, would exit by crawling out from the passenger door. Always kept liter bottle of a cheap beer next to bed in order to drink it at night. Good passionate lover, pissed when having an orgasm.
Scottish. Fiona, 31, TV star. She was recognized by the crowd when she walked streets of London, 'cause she played in popular TV soap opera. Heavy build Scottish woman. Unpleasant heavy odor of her vagina was so unbearable that have killed all sexual sentiments. Biggest failure of Edward's sexual life. She also proved to be greedy. For two years (!) she bombarded Edward with demand to pay her back some small money spent by her on Xeroxing his manuscript.
French. Anne and Carol, about 25, editors of known porno magazine in Paris. Anne: small, slim, tender, and nymphomaniac. She fucked in every possible way with a great enthusiasm. But Carol, oh Carol, was a real miracle. Tall, heavy long legs, animal ass, big tits, slim shoulders. Face of a village whore, defect of a speech (she lisped), she wore a terrible tasteless clothes as a concierge. Anne was a very good fucker, she wept when fucked (preferred to be fucked into her rear), but Carol, oh, Carol was above Anne and above any woman. Carol's talent of lovemaking was of a supernatural origin. She moved, groaned and excited man in such a way that all men who happened to sleep with her were charmed forever. One moment one felt he fucks the majestic queen, the next moment that obscene fat animal. Carol was a Devil or a dirty big-assed goddess of lust.
German. Renata, 35, artist-painter from Munich. Prussian aristocrat. Almost skeleton, very tall, pretty, well-educated, extremely literate. Strange in bed, like a big, skinny cold child, that needs to be warmed up.
Serbian. Militsa, 17, student. Very big, of a heavy beauty. Black hair, big Turkish lips and ass, Slavic puffy face. Her cunt leaked with desire, like that of a big young animal. Too big vagina, inconvenient, but nice to feel anyway, feels like a man making love to young horse.
Russian. Masha, 17, National-Bolshevik Party member. Tender, big tits, fat, good-natured small child. Rosy cheeks. Feels as one fucks his own fat daughter.
Russian. Natasha, 19. From a "New Russian"'s divorced family. Have no tits at all, round ass, face of a girl of 13. Wears a Doc Marten's high boots, and "Naf-Naf" clothes. Her list of lovers have a name of a leading singer of known Russian rock group and at least one bandit. Funny, insolent, she fucks of desire to be adult. One fucks her as a daughter of an enemy.
Peruvian woman. No name, age is uncertain. From a crowd of women that God sent to Edward that is worth of mentioning separately. Peruvian woman was an American Indian pure blood, she had a narrow "Aztec's" nose, very narrow strangely long angles, enormous haunches and ass, huge long tits with a brightly red nipples. She was like an extraterrestrial, not a human.
1.DESERVE TO MENTION: that good women very often lousy lovers.
Edward Limonov is the author of several novels, short stories and collections of poetry, which have been translated into more than 20 languages around the world. His most famous works include "It's Me, Eddie," and "Memoirs of a Russian Punk." He is currently the head of the National-Bolshevik Party, a far-right wing nationalist party in Russia.