Issue #11/92, June 8- 22, 2000 
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If I Would Have a Chance to Meet Clinton and Putin
Putin meeting Clinton.... So ordinary, so usual are both of them, that even to write about that sweaty couple is offensive for me, kind of abuse of myself. I would give a year of my life for possibility (by some kind of time machine or whatever device) to be present at a meeting between young Lenin and young Mussolini in Switzerland. It would be dangerously and awfully exciting to meet Adolf Hitler somewhere in 1923 or Stalin in 1937, but Putin and Clinton... Mountain-skier and saxophone player, talking only "good", only permissible, only bourgeois, seating according to protocol in old-fashioned armchairs, smiling as idiots. Those presidents as a matter of fact are most non-interesting persons in whole world.
What about Putin will talk to me? About his time in East Germany? I have lived in Paris, France for fourteen years! I know New York better than Clinton, as provincial governor and President he just visited New York, I used to live in New York for six years. What those two would say to surprise me? They like children in comparison with me.
What I would say to Clinton if I will have possibility to shake his hand? First of all I will not shake his hand, as I have refused to shake hands with Zyuganov. I would say, "I don't want to shake your hand Billy, because it is stained with blood of Serbs and Iraqi blood. You are an assassin, Billy Clinton, so stick your hand in your pocket." Something like that I would say. Then I would add that The United States is Evil Empire, who bullies whole world, that nastiness of American Empire is unprecedented, that never before any state have had reached of such degree of malice. Beside that you, son of a bitch Billy, is responsible of keeping Americans in zombie-state. Those words, of course they are only words, would probably make Clinton laugh. He will laugh, seating in Kremlin's armchair, in ridiculous blue one, I saw once on television. To impress him one should give him a slap in the face. It would be good show: Limonov slapping Clinton. Then slapping Putin.
And what for should I slap Putin. Anyway Clinton's bodyguards will kill me just a second after I slap Clinton, so I will have no chance to slap Putin. More likely, however, that guards will not kill a Russian inside Kremlin walls, it would be a very very bad manner, to come to Moscow and kill Russian, who slapped Billy, the President. Russians may get offended by such manner.
So I will slap Putin immediately after I have slapped Clinton. Bodyguards or no bodyguards I will move to second blue armchair and hit Putin. For what reason? Wouldn't it be in some contradiction with my ideology? Putin have started Second Chechen War (actually Yeltsin started it), so as a nationalist I should hail Putin, not to slap him? I will slap him because he is only pretending to be nationalist. In reality he have used Russian blood spilled in Chechen War to win a presidency. Putin is vampire sucking Russian and Chechen blood. AS a matter of fact he has a look of vampire: pale face and pale eyes, balding skull, full lips. When Putin speaks, his lips made a sucking movements. Putin holds Russia for his own use and for usage of his fellows bureaucrats. Everything in Russia is for Putin. Television works to show him, he moves from Kremlin to any building or dacha, he flies jet-fighters, he constantly imposed upon our country. He behaves as our Master, Signeur. He didn't say, but he presumes that Russia and we all, Russians, populations are his property.
What I hold as property in Russia? Nothing belongs to Limonov, no land, no apartment, no even bicycle. As to eight thousand members of National-Bolsheviks Party, they are totally deprived of property, or any belongings. They have nothing, they are naked. All the riches of Russia been seized and divided in 1991-1993 between Soviet nomenklatura members. Such people as Minister Chernomyrdin, deputy ministers Viakhirev or Alekperov, new Russians Gusinsky or Berezovsky-they have sliced Russia into pieces. Pale-faced Putin is guarding their property with jealousy. As Yeltsin did. I will slap Putin. I will hit him many times. I would say: "We are demanding of new division of property in Russia. We want to have our parts. Our ancestors have worked hard to build Russia, they spilled a blood for Russia. Why we are deprived of heritage? Why everything belongs to a few scoundrels? Let's divide it justly! Hey, Putin, have a slap!"
Of course Putin's bodyguards will take me away. And Clinton's will help them.
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