the eXile - Other Shite

Issue #22/103, November 9 - 23, 2000

Other Shite

GORE-ILLA CAMPAIGN!

Posing as out-of-control Jewish “operatives” working on behalf of the Gore campaign, we called randomly-selected residents of Florida late Wednesday night and threatened them with “action” for having lost the state to rival candidate George Bush.

ARTHUR AGUILAR Pensacola, FL

Aguilar: Hello?

eXile: Mr. Arthur Aguilar?

Aguilar: Yes.

eXile: Hi, my name is David Berkowitz. I’m an operative for the Gore campaign. I’m calling you because we have information that you voted for Bush.

Aguilar: Uh, as a matter of fact, no, I didn’t. I voted for Gore.

eXile: Mr. Aguilar, I’m looking at our records here and they show that you voted for Mr. Bush. We were counting on your vote. Now it would just be a lot easier if you admitted what you did.

Aguilar: Uh-huh. But I voted for Gore.

eXile: No you didn’t. And I want you to know that this isn’t a consequence-free world we live in anymore. You can expect a tax audit sometime in the next couple of months. This is a very serious thing that you did. Why did you do it, why did you vote for Bush?

Aguilar: But... I didn’t. I voted for Gore.

eXile: I’m sorry to hear that even now you can’t admit the truth. You’re only making it more difficult on yourself. If I were you, I would collect my financial records and head down to the nearest IRS office because we take this very, very seriously.

Aguilar: [long pause] Yeah, but... Who is this again?

[sound of papers shuffling]

eXile: My name is David Berkowitz. I’m an operative in the Gore campaign. Yeah, go ahead and write that down, look me up. Do whatever you want. We’ll find you first, so enjoy.

WILLIAM HAGA Cape Coral, FL

eXile: Hello, may I speak to Mr. William Haga please.

Haga: [loud, aggressive] Who is this?

eXile: My name is Isaac Feldshtein, I’m an operative in the Gore campaign. And I’m calling for Mr. William Haga.

Haga: This is he.

eXile: Mr. Haga, according to my information you voted for Mr. Bush and not for Mr. Gore, is that true?

Haga: (loudly) Well if you’re telling me this, you must have already investigated me and you know the answer!

eXile: I want you to know sir that we here at the Gore Campaign take this very seriously. There aren’t any consequence-free actions anymore. You can expect an audit real soon, within the next couple of months.

Haga: What kind of audit?

eXile: A tax audit, financial audit, the full nine yards. [brief pause]. So why did you do it, why did you vote for Bush?

Haga: [loudly] Because I agree with the philosophy of Mr. Bush and I don’t agree with the philosophy of Mr. Gore!

eXile: [aggressively] And what philosophy is that? Did you vote for Bush because Gore’s running mate is Jewish.

Haga: Oh, get lost! [slams phone]