Issue #22/103, November 9 - 23, 2000  

PRE-PUBESCENT SEX TIPS

Hey kids! It’s me, your hip school counselor Mark Ames! Wow, it looks to me like we’ve really made some important breakthroughs since our first jam session a couple months back, dontcha think? Some of you are new here, some of you I’ve seen before. That’s okay, too. If you just want to just hang out with us and chill, or if you want to contribute to our little bull session, either way’s cool with me. I want you all to know that this isn’t a one-way street here. Nuh-uh. See, I’m learning from this just as much as you are. Heck, I’m not ten years old anymore, much as I’d like to be! But I will tell you one thing: there’s nothing that your counselor enjoys more than getting in a tight little circle with his pre-pubescent friends-and you are my friends, you know that, right?-and opening up and sharing each other’s feelings. This time, I’d like to see if we could work towards a little bit of “closure”. You know what “closure” is, right? A good example of closure was when Jenny Gattis referred to her rival for Scott Bolinger as “stinky” and succeeded in getting her barred from Tom McCann’s picnic party last week, thereby pushing her a notch down the social ladder at school. The chapter is now closed on Jenny’s rival, and Scott is now considering liking Jenny since he is rightfully concerned about what his friends would think if he went around with a girl from a lower-level clique than his and Jenny’s. Waytago, girl! All right, I think that’s enough of my blabbing. Pull up a magical bean bag, kids, and let’s get jammin’!

Dear Mark,

I know this is probably a stupid question and all, but still it’s like I really don’t know what to do. It’s like, I really like this one girl, Stacy Owens, but I don’t know what to say to her and stuff. What should I do?

Ron Gitman

Dear Ron,

First of all, you should ask yourself if you’re really ready to commit to something big and serious like this. Relationships aren’t play things, Ron. They’re serious, adult things. Say to yourself, “Hey Ron, it’s me, Ron. Let’s be honest with ourselves, ask ourselves some tough questions. I may like this girl, sure, but am I willing to do adult things like take her clothes off and play doctor with her, then tell my friends all the details about it? Am I willing to make her feel that I like her, then a few days later, lose interest in her and go on to something else, thereby crushing her?” These are difficult, serious adult questions that you should ask yourself. If you answered “yes” to both, then Ron, my advice to you is to go for it. Ask Stacy to meet you in the creek after school. If she agrees, then... welp, put it this way, Ron. When Stacy says “no” and “don’t do that”, she really means “yes” and “do that again”.

Dear Mr. Ames,

I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been crying so much lately. This is very personal and embarrassing. My stepfather has been coming into my bedroom late at nights. He makes me feel bad. My mom doesn’t know and my sister is younger than me and I don’t want to tell her. I’m afraid my stepdad will hate me and my mom too if I don’t let him play with me, but I hate it. What should I do?

Please don’t print my name.

Dear Amy,

Please don’t call me “Mr. Ames”. My name is Mark, so that’s how I want you to call me. Would you like it if I called you “Miss Sousa” instead of just “Amy”. No, you probably wouldn’t. It would make you feel old and different. You would start to feel a complex about the fact that you’re spending all of your time with people much younger than you. You might even feel hurt and start to cry. Is that what you are trying to do to me, Amy? Please don’t come to our bull sessions for a week. Think about what you did, about being sensitive to me and to others around you. You can’t think only about yourself. This is a group session, Amy. To participate, you have to start adopting a group attitude.

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