Issue #28/53, December 3 - 16, 1998  

Welcome to the eXile's phat new bad-assed "bla-X-ploitation" page. Come join us every issue as former ABA All-Star small forward Matt Taibbi accompanies you on a journey into the world of African culture. Taibbi, whose trademark move was the "Statue Of Liberty Bitch-Slap," a juke that made him one of the most feared players in Fort Wayne basketball history. So sit back, put on your Youssou N'Dour cassette, adjust your Kangol hat, break out your glass pipe and suck on the glowing rock until your problems float away. Chill baby, and let Taibbi take you away. "This issue, I'm introducing a really special, talented artist from Zambia, Christopher Bwalya, along with my fave' brothers, Nkem and Adik from Nigeria. Yo, guys. Take it away!"

--I'm going to the theater.

--Really, what are you doing there?

--I'm watching ballet, dummy. You can come too.

--Are you sick? You want me to sit down all evening watching grown up men in pantie hose jumping around the stage like they got ants in their pants.

--Are you serious? It's the most graceful thing on earth to watch. Almost like figure skating.

--Balls! There is no better way to waste a day.

--Why, you don't like figure skating?

--Figure skating is fine but not for me. Actually I don't mind the figures, I just don't notice the skating.

--You're low men. You have no understanding for a gentle man's sport.

--You're wrong. I understand golf.

--You do now, do you?

--Sure. You see it's a game of holes. And the story of a man's life is written around hole. He comes into this world through a hole, throughout his life on earth he's seeking to explore different kinds of holes, he's finished when he's got holes in his pocket. When that happens he's dropped in a hole and that's done.

--Do you smell what you scoop?

--Why smell and scoop at the same time?

--Tell me you also hate tennis.

--Look here man. My old man lives with a click in his neck. He got it from watching tennis. My neck is fine and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

--I don't believe you. It is described as an elegant sport for elegant people.

--Sorry, that's one word somebody left out in my vocabulary.

--Soccer?

--I'm not a sucker. I don't suck.

--Yeah, I forgot you call it football.

--Oh yeah. Love scoring games. It's just like when a couple of guys have their eyes on a new girl in high school, and everybody is looking to score, and when you finally do all the guys hail you and carry you shoulder high. You know it puts another notch on your pistol, while the net (that's the girl) vibrates from the shot wondering how on earth you managed to bypass all her defence to make the trust. I understand scoring games.

--You're disgusting!

--Thanks. I love you too.

--I suppose you worship thing like boxing.

--Now that's a man's sport. You can see it in two ways. You have to destroy the opponent to win. The more you hurt them the weaker they become, the richer you get, and the more they come for some more. You can also see as all about driving forces and penetrations, about plotting and scheming. It's like leading some one on a merry go round and finally landing a sucker punch.

--Like you do with all your girls.

--Like I do with some of my girl.

--Does it work all the time?

--Why do you ask?

--Since you can't describe anything without a sexual reference.

--Oh sure it works all the time.

--Really?

--Most of the time.

--Hello, it's me you're talking to.

--Well, when I have enough money to pay for the merry-go- round.

--I still think it's a beastly sports and should be banned.

--It can't be banned. Every man is a beast and every woman a prey, and the powers that be understand that.

--Why should every woman be a prey? Do I see a male churvinist?

--Oh c'mon they love it. They whole-heartedly fell into that role themselves.

--I don't think so.

--Look, just watch any woman, every move they make, every step they take, every word they say is begging a man to take charge, to dominate. Women are made to be taken.

--I've got news for you my man, there are more female predators out there than meets the eyes.

--I thought we were talking about two beasts pounding each other silly so as to satiate a primitive aggressive lust that ends in exhaustion.

--Must you discuss everything sexually?

--Well we're discussing sports...

--So?

--All of them were invented by men.

--I don't get it.

--All sports have sexual undertones because it's acting out the sexual animal lust of the inventors. It's either about deception or scoring or penetrations and finally of exhaustion.

--What about the tracks?

--Running, you mean? That's talking about freedom. You see people run away from their parents to gain more freedom, and then they get married to loose it. After a couple of years they get sick of each other and run away through divorce. Boys are running after girls and girls are running after security. When they get what they want the running takes a whole new dimension.

--I see it's useless talking to you.

--Yeah, everybody got to run like cops and robbers.

--Damn, I'm late for the theater. I got to run!

--You see what I mean?

Christopher Bwalya's Contribution....