It has taken a long time to write what will amount to about twenty words and a screenshot of Chun Li’s panties (so click all the pages! You never know which page might have one!). But there isn’t much to say about Street Fighter 4, other than…

“Hey, I _________ Street Fighter 2!”

I love shooting fireballs (it’s why I play video games), so I would fill that blank with “HADOUKEN!!!!!!” And I hadouken you, too.

Or, in non-nerd language: Street Fighter 4 is Street Fighter 2.

So what’s all the fuss about? I have no idea.

So, let’s play Street Fighter IV.

I turn the game on and there’s lots of crazy cool looking art with uppercuts and jump kicks, and then like an R&B love song about how this game and I are going to get it on. The song, according to the internet, is “The Next Door – Indestructible” by Exile. Wow. Check out these lyrics:

Indestructible

I won’t let nobody break me down

Indestructible

Nothing’s gonna stop me now

Indestructible

Gonna gonna make gonna keep on going

Indestructible

The last man standing

If the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync were going to dance fight, they’d do it to this song. It’s music to slap a man to. Speaking of which, let’s get it on! I’m ready to beat men and women!

Oh, it’s the main menu starring Ryu’s gigantic face! It looks like he’s staring through a frosty pink window. Like he’s looking into a hair salon…and what he sees angers him! It’s a…FIERCE HAIRDOKEN!

I can play Arcade Mode, Versus Mode and all sorts of other shit I can’t even start to take in at this point. Arcade Mode, go!

Okay, character select screen. Abel looks boring. He is from France. Next to him is C. Viper, a girl with a short, violently pink beehive hairdo. The best thing about her, and so far the best thing about this game, is that she tucks her tie into her huge breasts. What a fascinating approach to formal wear! Next is Rufus. He’s fat and flamboyant with a weird top-knot hairdo and big yellow mustache. Blah.

Then there’s El Fuerte, a normal looking Lucha Libre wrestler with a really boring name. What about Fuerte Muerte? Taco Enojado? Sigh.

I pick Blanca.

Blanca lives with his Mama and talks like an idiot. He says he’s leaving home so he won’t embarrass her anymore, then it shows him riding a humpback whale. I’m fighting Zangief.

***Street Fighting Happens***

Oh god, just saw E. Honda’s panties.

***More Street Fighting***

Wow, these stages could be anywhere. I’m fighting in “An alley in Europe”, and I recently battled E. Honda in “East Asia.” You don’t say?

Aw, C. Viper looks terrible in combat! She has Olive Oil’s body! Oh well, she’s still the best of the new characters. Let’s go over them! Again.

C. Viper – She tucks her tie into her breasts. No, the C doesn’t stand for Cunt or Cleavage, it stands for Crimson. Which is also pretty dirty, if you think about it.

Rufus – He’s a human testicle. He’s gross, hairy, round, and nuttish. The problem is, using him to beat a friend is like teabagging them with someone else’s balls – which makes you kind of gay, too.

Abel – The worst. First of all, is there any name in history more associated with getting killed than Abel? I mean, other than Jesus? And Jesus did all sorts of shit. Getting killed was the most normal thing Jesus did. What did Abel do? He took a walk, and he got killed. And he didn’t even get killed by a lion or a prehistoric flightless eagle. He got killed by his brother…kind of on accident. He’s the patron saint of people who die playing “Ultimate Hacky Sack.” Cain probably made up some terrible excuse afterward, like “He tripped on a coke bottle and fell on a knife!”

So he’s off to a bad start. Apparently, his fighting style and general appearance are modeled after Fedor Emelianenko. Hey, that’s something, right? Wrong. He is French. And his fighting style sucks. I surrender. So does he, probably.

El Fuerte – No sympathy for the debil, and nothing to say about him, either. Wait, he reminds me of the Domino’s Pizza Noid. Avoid the Noid!

That’s all I got. It’s Street Fighter II plus a girl who tucks her tie into her boobs, a human testicle, a wannabe murder victim, and the Noid. Fortunately, there is a whole industry full of professionals who get paid to put this sort of shit into words.

THANK GOD, right? Let’s see what actual game journalists have to say about Street Fighter IV, because I am fresh out of fireballs. The following quotations are from actual video game reviews of Street Fighter 4. But here’s the catch, one of the following lines was spoken by a drooling fan-boy who was quoted in a review. I repeat: all of the following lines are from real video game reviewers, except for one! Can you tell the fanboy from the journalists?

Eurogamer

“This game is the second coming. The actual second coming.”

These must be the words of a fan. A real critic would never drop his pants for a game like this. Right?

—

Kikizo.com:

“This is a multiple-orgasm of fighting game character line-ups, like never seen before.”

Whoever this guy is, when he says he’s never seen a multiple orgasm like the one contained in Street Fighter 4’s character line-up, I believe him!

But my credulity has its limits:

—

x360 Magazine:

“You may find it hard to believe, but Street Fighter IV was a very risky project for Capcom.”

Indeed, that is impossible to believe. The next entry is impossible NOT to believe:

—

Darkzero:

“The good news is that SFIV feels very good to play, and although this is a weird assertion to make, it feels very Street Fighter.”

Street Fighter IV feels very Street Fightery, eh? Kind of like the way water tastes wet, and fire tastes like burning? This is too true! Please, someone lie to me!

—

MEGamers.com:

“With an artistic look and an intense 3D-like graphics, SF4 still manages to maintain it’s 2D style gameplay, which is new, as well as classic for fighting games.”

Sort of the same way this line is new, and yet the bullshit it represents is as old as time (“Grogg never see such cave buffalo. It more real than real!”).

—

Planet Xbox 360:

“The complexities of the fighting systems are incredible to take in.”

The Comic Book Guy couldn’t have said it better himself. But are these the words of a dedicated writer, or a nerdgasming fanboy?

—

Official Xbox Magazine:

“The only major disappointment is final boss Seth. Given how imaginative the rest of the crew are, going toe-to-toe with a bald, blue baddie that bears more than a passing resemblance to Bioshock’s Fontaine feels like something of an anticlimax.”

Okay, this definitely isn’t from a fan, but I had to make fun of it anyway. Why? Because Seth is pure climax. During his super move, he sucks you into his body, and then ejaculates you onto the screen with a splat! And it kills you! What is more climactic than that?

—

Gamespy:

“It’s not the obtuse canvas for virtuosity that Street Fighter III was.”

Then again, Street Fighter III wasn’t the lethal dirty sanchez that Street Fighter IV is. This has “Pretentious video game critic” written all over its face…in poop.

—

So, do you think you know? Or are you overwhelmed by the possibility that any of these people could be paid to think critically?

Well whelm no longer, for the fanboy quote is the first entry. Yeah, the guy who compared Street Fighter IV to the Rapture is not paid to tell people which video games to buy. Every other line comes from someone who is.

Well, I am Street Fightered out. I hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse at Street Fighter 4 (2) and its critics (fans).

Until we meet again, HADOUKEN!

Read more: hadouken, street fighter iv, Video Games, Joe Dodson, Entertainment, Video Games

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