Today’s Defendant: When Animals Attack!

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There used to be this tremendously moral show on TV back in the 1990s called When Animals Attack! It was all about how you should respect animals or else suffer the appropriate consequences, i.e. being ripped limb from limb in front of an appreciative audience.

The first installments were the best, capturing the most memorable illustrations of the show’s moral lesson. I’ll describe a few:

• The one in which a Chinese man, wanting to have his picture taken in front of a panda in the zoo, climbs over the outer fence and sits against the inner one, facing the camera with a big clueless smile on his face. This smile fades quickly when the panda reaches through the bars and gets him around the neck in a nice furry death-grip.

• The one where an American moron in hunting camouflage has his wife videotape him pointing his gun at a stag with an impressive rack of antlers standing nearby. It seems he thought this would be a funny “gag” film for his buddies. His wife can be heard fretting, “Honey, I don’t think this is such a good idea…” as the stupid goon goes right up to the stag, which promptly rears back and starts beating the guy with his fore-hooves. Who knew deer were such masters of the one-two punch? Taking full advantage of his superior height and reach, the stag continues pummeling Joe the Hunter right into the ground while the wife presumably comforts herself with the knowledge that she told him so.

• The one starring the elephant getting poked with a giant, sharp, pointy iron stick by his trainer. Guess what happens.

• Arguably the best one is the footage of some strange TV show from Eastern Europe featuring a bear trainer and his star pupil, a mountainous grizzly looking to be about nine feet tall. A buxom, beaming woman walks out onto the cheesy set and takes a seat next to the bear as if sitting next to Ed McMahon on The Johnny Carson Show. The bear looks down at her, startled, as if to say, “Madam, I am not accustomed to this level of familiarity,” then lifts a mammoth paw and goes WHAMMO. The camera overturns and all is chaos.

This is godly justice as we so rarely ever witness it, actually captured on film. It’s a blessing to know that these scenes are popular favorites on YouTube.

Statement of the Defense: Actually a lot of the show’s footage is of people who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get attacked by an alligator or a pack of angry kangaroos or something. Then it’s pretty straightforward near-death porn, or maiming porn, with animals in it. Plus don’t forget Robert Urich’s the host.

Verdict: We acknowledge the fact that the late Robert Urich wasn’t the most scintillating emcee in the world. Beyond that, what’s your point?

Read more: Robert Urich, When Animals Attack!, YouTube, The eXiled Inquisition Team, The Daily Inquisition

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