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The Daily Inquisition

zach galifianakis faggatron

Every day I make the same mistake: reading other people’s errors. Today’s Error: “Zach Galifianakis is funny.” They’ve even named him the “2nd Funniest Actor In Hollywood.” Zach Galifianakis is not funny. And if you think he is, you must stop thinking immediately. (See Below for Instructions.) Zach Galifianakis is worse than not-funny: he’s a sleazy little thief and a hack who ripped off a far superior act, Martin Short–and it’s a pretty bad rip-off at that. I’ve got video evidence below to prove it: (more…)

Posted on: March 20th, 2010 | Comments (114)

Reno 911! In Vegas: Deputy S. Jones Plows Patrol Car Into White Trash at 109 MPH In Residential Zone

Posted on: May 21st, 2009 | Leave Comment

Posted on: May 4th, 2009 | Leave Comment

Posted on: May 1st, 2009 | Leave Comment

Literature on Mexico's Drug War You Can Read, Sort Of

Today’s Topic: In semi-praise of Down by the River. Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: As we have ruled earlier, there are few good books. Down by the River by Charles Bowden, a meandering and disorganized collection of facts, soundbites and…

Posted on: January 21st, 2009 | Comments (17)

Daily Inquisition: 2 Good 4 Sainthood

An Old Wacko Makes Us Proud to Be American We don’t know what America’s poets are doing today, but we know what they ought to be doing: composing songs in honor of Robert Sylvester, the aged gunman who robbed a…

Posted on: January 9th, 2009 | Comments (12)

Daily Inquisition: Drug Users Need to Come Out of the Closet

Today’s Defendant: Pro-drug Journalists Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: You know who we’re talking about. You’ve read them before. They are the boring progressives who cover the War on Drugs. It’s not just a fancy name. It’s a real war…

Posted on: December 12th, 2008 | Comments (14)

Oscar De La Hoya Gets Punished

Thanks, Manny! Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: De La Hoya’s been an affront to boxing for years, which is hard to do given the easygoing attitude toward human sin that characterizes the sport, but still he’s managed it by being…

Posted on: December 8th, 2008 | Comments (4)

Daily Inquisition: The Growing Trend of Transvestite Porn

Daily Inquisition: Transvestite Porn Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Having made a study of popular porn sharing sites like tube8.com, redtube.com and youporn.com, we have noted a disturbing trend. Gaping holes, ass-to-mouth, and extreme gagging are being eclipsed by a…

Posted on: November 20th, 2008 | Comments (24)

Daily Inquisition: Burn Santa Barbara, Burn

Honorable Mention: Blessed are the wind-blown embers. Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Let us start with a fitting quote from yesterday’s LA Times article: A wind-blown ember can be opportunistic, slipping through tiny breaches in the homes. Opportunistic indeed! These…

Posted on: November 19th, 2008 | Comments (4)

Raymond “Chuck” Foster, Imperial Wizard of the KKK

The Accused: Raymond “Chuck” Foster, Imperial Wizard of the KKK Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Normally a sad nitwit like Raymond “Chuck” Foster wouldn’t even be worthy of the attention of the eXiled Inquisition Team, but now that he’s managed…

Posted on: November 14th, 2008 | Comments (1)

Mormon Baptism of the Dead

Mormon Baptismal Font: plenty of room for everybody. Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: We have to admire the sheer chutzpah of the Mormons. Whereas we struggle with faulty humankind, inquisiting people, torturing them, trying to shove them toward the true…

Posted on: November 12th, 2008 | Comments (5)

Daily Inquisition: Mike Williams

Today’s Defendant: Mike Williams, resident of Douglas, Arizona Statement from the Grand Inquisitor: Hard-working people all across Mexico are busting their asses for American consumers. No, we are not talking about the migrant workers cleaning your dishes, picking your grapes…

Posted on: November 4th, 2008 | Comments (2)

Daily Inquisition: Twitter Twats

Today’s Defendant: Twitter Twats Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: When you join Twitter you become able to communicate in short bursts of information with many people from your mobile phone or computer. Your phone becomes a vibrating message-whore, hemorrhaging useless…

Posted on: November 4th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: Kevin the Undecided Veuter

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: With one day left before the election, CNN chose as its microcosm of America-at-da-crossroads one Kevin Sheen, a whey-faced Irish-American idiot from the Midwest, who coyly offers his quandriness as an “undecided” voter.

Posted on: November 3rd, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Halloween Sarah Palins Must Pay

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Anyone dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween is condemned to waterboarding with extreme prejudice. How we’re going to manage to torture such a huge crowd of morons I don’t know—we’ll have to hire a…

Posted on: October 31st, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Human vs. Dog Bravery

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: On rare occasions, certain people are brave, and must be commended.

Posted on: October 29th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: White America Achieves Perfection

Today’s Defendant: White America Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Today we write in praise of White America. It’s long overdue, says Frank Rich, the New York Times columnist. He wrote a recent article called “In Defense of White America” in…

Posted on: October 28th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Animal Righteousness

Today’s Defendant: When Animals Attack! Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There used to be this tremendously moral show on TV back in the 1990s called When Animals Attack! It was all about how you should respect animals or else suffer…

Posted on: October 27th, 2008 | Comments (1)

The Daily Inquisition: Ashley Todd

The Damnation of Ashley Todd Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Little need be said here. What does a Texas Republican know about stigmata? What could an Anglo-Saxon understand about self-mutilation?

Posted on: October 24th, 2008 | Leave Comment