Vanity Fair profiles The eXile: "Gutsy...visceral...serious journalism...abusive, defamatory...poignant...paranoid...and right!"
MSNBC: Mark Ames and Yasha Levine
Broke the Koch Brothers' Takeover of America
www.exiledonline.com
Dear eXiled... / December 22, 2008

Today’s question comes from a reader named Tom. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

*****

Dear eXiled,

I’m actually totally new to your site. I’ve been having this GILF obsession lately. All I can think about is boning grandmas. And that’s how I found your site. (You guys were like the third Google link but all I got was a link to some British article about old people having sex and orgies.) That’s not what I’m into! I’m not really sure what I’m into. But I do feel an attraction to old women. Especially ones that don’t look that old, those whom I see in natural food stores. Is it normal to want to fuck older women? I’m not talking about nasty sagging grandmas with walkers. But just older women in general. I just turned twenty and am in a liberal arts college.

Sincerely,
GILF-seeking student

****

Dear GILF-seeking student,

Your GILF-ophilia makes perfect sense. GILFs come from a different time, an older, more traditional, sexier time. Sure they are wrinkled and old, but with today’s progress in cosmetic surgery, some of them might not look half that bad. If you’ve got to satisfy your GILF craving, my advice would be to go to either coast, take a job as a bag boy in Whole Foods and find yourself a 60-something lefty divorcee. She’ll be thinner than girls your age, more educated, richer and infinitely more appreciative.

Benjamin Franklin, the bed-hopping Founding Father, openly advocated GILF intercourse. Here’s some sex advice he offered a younger friend of his:

Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.”

Meaning, put a bag over it and do your business. And like Benjamin says: “They’ll be so grateful!!”


Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

Read more: , , , , , Yasha Levine, Dear eXiled...

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline

3 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. miss panty girdle  |  October 22nd, 2010 at 5:47 am

    each of us has his own preference.. =)

  • 2. Seth Donohoe  |  April 28th, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    About 2 years ago, I went to a dance and met a really pretty woman. She asked me to dance with her. Before I knew it, I found myself EXTREMLY attracted to her. I got her number and called her a couple of times. Then, when I was on the phone with her once, I asked her how old she was[for some reason, it didn’t cross my mind at the dance]I thought she was 27 at the most. She told me that she was 42. Needless to say, I was thrown for a loop. But, I still can’t seem to forget about her. It’s driving me nuts.

  • 3. Steve  |  August 8th, 2015 at 5:22 am

    I can definitely relate to the attraction to much older women. Despite my attraction to older women (I also preferred women who smoked cigarettes), I married a “girl” my age and had children with her. We divorced after 20 years and I found myself single at the age of 49.

    At 49, I was still attracted to much older women who smoked. Not surprisingly, my mother is a heavy smoker, so I’m sure that had a lot to do with my feelings. I started dating online and I focused my online search to smokers over 70.

    I found the woman of my dreams at the age of 50. She was 74 years old (2 years older than my mom) and a More Menthol 120s smoker. We married a year later and I’ve never been happier.


Leave a Comment

(Open to all. Comments can and will be censored at whim and without warning.)

Required

Required, hidden

Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed