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What You Should Know / May 14, 2010

Tony Hayward, CEO of BP --

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  • 1. tam  |  May 15th, 2010 at 9:44 am

    During the Exxon Valdez oil spill a while back, Exxon made a very insincere public apology. Matt Groening did this awesome parody of the statement in his ‘Life in Hell’ strip. It remains depressingly relevant today (although my guess is BP will ultimately be punished far more than Exxon were because they’re a foreign company competing with US corporations so punishing them will be in US interests)


    Hi there,

    On March 24, in the wee hours of the morning, mistakes were made in the waters of Prince William Sound, way up someplace
    in Alaska. By now you all know that our tanker, the Hexxon Valdez, was hit by a treacherous submerged reef that made us lose 240,00 barrels of valuable oil into the uncooperative waters of the Sound.

    We could sue that reef if we wanted to, but that’s not Hexxon’s style. Instead we are keeping our fingers crossed that this whole thing will blow over in a matter of weeks.

    Sure, there will be disgusting pictures of filthy birds, fish and other unsavory wildlife. But I hope that you know Hexxon has already commited several hundred people to hose off those stubborn otters that still happen to be alive.

    Finally, and most importantly, I want you to believe how sorry I am that this incindent has occured. We cannot, of course, undo what has been done. Only God can do that, and He caused the whole damn thing in the first place. But I can assure you that since March 24, this little “in in the drink” problem has been receiving our full attention, and and will continue to do so until you forget about the whole thing.

    Thanks for your continued support. We couldn’t do it without you.

    Keep on pumpin’

    L.G. Crawl

    P.S. To those of you who suggested that we Hexxon executives should be forced to go to Alaska and scrub those oily rocks ourselves, not returning until the job is done, no matter how long it takes, we simply say this: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. WE ARE RICH AND POWERFUL BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

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