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The War Nerd / September 11, 2012

From today’s edition of NSFW Corp

FRESNO—Today’s the Big Anniversary, so what better day to size up Obama’s war record than the day that also launched my career as a professional War Nerd.

When you look back at Obama’s wars, you get a pretty clear idea what went wrong over the last four years. It wasn’t the way Obama’s team handled the wars. Truth is, they did damn well at that, better than I ever thought they would.

The real problem is that they don’t know what world they’re living in. These are people who’ve spent their lives getting straight A’s, collecting gold stars, avoiding mistakes. And they think war is just like all those other little hurdles you face in life.

That’s why they’ll never get credit for any of it. They have this delusion that sanity matters, and they’ve run their wars as sanely and boringly as an exterminator going after termites.
It’s sensible, it’s semi-effective, and it irritates the life out of the 99%. I don’t mean the Occupy 99%, all those “goodhearted ordinary Americans”; that’s a totally made-up imaginary species invented by people just as naive as Obama’s crew. I mean the real 99% of us living our rotten lives out there, mean and dumb and miserable, just waiting for some gore we can really get behind.

Obama just doesn’t understand his job as war chief of this big crazy tribe…(Continued)

To read the rest of this War Nerd article surveying the Obama wars, click here.

This article was published at Not Safe For Work Corp, where Gary Brecher has just signed on as a new regular columnist. To read The War Nerd columns and more NSFWCORP wretched wisdom (with jokes), subscribe for the monthly price of a bottle of Diet Coke: http://www.nsfwcorp.com/subscribe

Would you like to know more? Gary Brecher is the author of the War Nerd. Send your comments to gary dot brecher at gmail dot com. Read Gary Brecher’s first ever War Nerd column by clicking here.

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81 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Eurotrash  |  September 14th, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Very glad you’re back in business, Gary. Missed you!

    Hope NSFW works out for you financially.

  • 2. Tyler  |  September 14th, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Ok, so I went to this NSFW thing, because well, I’ve been an Ames/Dolan/Brecher fan ever since they taught me how to get laid in Moscow when I was an exchange student there.

    But really, all this NSFW thing appears to be is a bunch of liberal journalists making fun of republicans. Nothing particularly interesting or insightful aside from Ames’ article on Mormons and Dr. Dolans article linked above. It’s basically, a slightly less mature version of Slate.com

    What the fuck guys? Lose these deadweights. Get some writers with teeth in there, like you guys. Not a bunch of Obama ass kissers.

  • 3. Al  |  September 14th, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Just a few niggling if’s and buts. I would point out that the perfidious hun reccieved an equal shock at the battle of the Marne facing fire brought about by 303 Lee Enfields. Difference being that they didn’t have to wait for an entire officer corps of ‘Ruperts’ to die before they learnt their lesson. I would guess a day would suffice, only problem with the Boer war was that not enough public school boy officers were killed before we had to play the main event. The pity being had the British Army started promoting on ability rather than who’s father had sodomised who’s at public school after the Boer war we might not have had that mudering incompetent old bastard Haig in charge. By the way if the UK had decided to hang onto the empire and not have fought either war my guess would be that the US would probably have had to make peace with Germany and made quite a few concessions to the Japanese. Crossing the channel is one thing invading across the atlantic quite another.

  • 4. Mr. Bad  |  September 14th, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    @ 53. Al

    So French was better, eh? Haig wasn’t inclined to linger over the sufferings of his soldiers,unlike the great humanitarian French who prolonged a war with his dithering and moping which is no doubt an honor in your household (loser). He was a better general than Falkenhayn who was a better general than everyone other than Ludendorff.

  • 5. John Drinkwater  |  September 14th, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    So Obama is a good fighter because he instigates yet more war and fighting? Yeah, he’s good at killing people, but so what?

    I understand the WN doesn’t care about the moral implications of any of this, but what about basic war strategy of actually winning? Is Obama’s aggressiveness winning the WOT? I think not. Therefore, he sucks.

  • 6. philbart  |  September 15th, 2012 at 12:55 am

    Highly skeptical of the claim that Tyler Bass has ever gotten laid.

  • 7. Grant K  |  September 15th, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Brecher’s always had a hard on for Canada, thinking we’re all smug and prissy. But we like war well enough. I’ll point out that Canada’s been part of every major war America has been in the last 100 years, other than your two greatest shitshows: Vietnam and Iraq. Smug, no. Smart, yes!

  • 8. Al  |  September 15th, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Hello Mr Bad certainly did not wish to give the impression I consider any of the British generals of the time to be anything more than incompetent murdering upper class bastards, and I apologise if that came over that way in my diatribe. Ludendorff was pretty close to being a competent and talented military leader and indeed if his plans for the Schlieffen Plan had not been interfered with by upper class amatuer murdering aristo bastards on the German side it probably would probably have led to complete German victorty in a matter of months. Positive side at least that gobshite Kitchener drowned before he could really sod things up.

  • 9. Eddie  |  September 15th, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Agreed on the dumb and crazy part. At this point no further evidence for this is needed for us to accept this at face value.

    On Obamas record however I would disagree. To me he seems like a guy intent on fighting forrest fires by the exclusive use of napalm. The fact that new fires seem to turn up after every successful fire fighting mission does not seem to phase him much.

  • 10. Tyler Bass  |  September 15th, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    @56 Find Jesus.

  • 11. CB  |  September 16th, 2012 at 9:22 am

    @ 32 Cum
    “Those weapons are going to be turned against Americans.”

    That’s why we took out Qaddafi’s pathetic airforce ourselves, and didn’t give the rebels anti-aircraft weapons. =D

  • 12. nikon  |  September 16th, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    rebels have anti-aircraft weapons, thousands of gaddafi’s manpads have been stolen by rebels

  • 13. Whyawannaknow  |  September 17th, 2012 at 8:52 am

    @62- which MANPAD hardware did Momar stock? And how much are they going for on the black market…

  • 14. Whyawannaknow  |  September 18th, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Eh. A bit of google-fu answers the question: quite a few SA-7’s, but not so many of the required grip-stock units. Several nice pics of missiles stacked in the back of pickup trucks down at the local bazar with money changeling hands, they’re never going to get those all back.

    There were a scary looking number of SA-24’s- But they’re a model designed for a large vehicle mounted launch system, no evidence so far of ANY of the grip-stocks required for shoulder launch, and the vehicle mounts are largely accounted for. Also questions of compatability between these missiles and the different launch system hardware/software interfaces.

    That being said, the looters did seem to concentrate on ANYTHING with a heat seeking/antiaircraft capability- Some bright boys may be able to cobble up a functional launch system before the hardware degrades.

    As the world continues to look more and more like a William Gibson novel, I expect to see some interesting blowback from all of this…

  • 15. Al  |  September 18th, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    For Christ’s sake don’t get so paranoid guys I’m sure various western control agencies have it all under under control, apart from thosr who were making sure the the Israelis and South Africa never got hold of nukes, OH SHIT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

  • 16. Mr. Bad  |  September 18th, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    @ 58. Al

    OK, fair enough. In other news:

    http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/09/engine-china-stealth-fighter/

    China, our erstwhile forever frenemy and legit “military threat” runs into some trouble with their new “stealth fighter” when they realize they can’t build engines to power it without RUSSKI brain power.I bet their super precise deadly ship killing DF21’s are “state of the art though”, but the real question is this, does a dead fish flop twice? Oh China, my home and native land … J. Dolan 1955-2012

  • 17. CensusLouie  |  September 18th, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Ummmm, what about the Osama hit squad? That was kind of the ultimate cheerleading over smart warfare stunt. I couldn’t go outside for a week after for fear of running into some yahoo blathering on about it like a pro wrestling announcer.

    Surely it would have been the smarter play to not make him a martyr? Having him wither away from kidney failure wouldn’t exactly inspire too many jihads.

  • 18. Bahama Papa  |  September 22nd, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Ok, so the War Nerd is on NSFW.com. I’ll sign up. I’ll pay. $3 per month is nothing. BUT, I’m in Germany and my credit card charges me “foreign transaction fee” for each $3. I don’t mind paying for 2 or 3 years in advance, all at once. Cheap!. That makes more sense. But there is no “contact us” feature on this (or their) website. No contact information. They say you can cancel anytime. How? If there is not even a contact e-mail. Somebody help me. Ich haette gern War Nerd, bitte. I know I’m a Nazi and into weird porn and all that, but, somebody help me please!

  • 19. Eddie  |  September 22nd, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    @66. Mr. Bad

    Why bother with this small details? They cannot build these engines but the Russians can. Perhaps you have not noticed but Russian, China and India have a defacto military alliance.

    In the event of war the Chinese will get as many of these engines as they like.

  • 20. CB  |  September 23rd, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    @ 62 nikon:

    Obviously we can’t stop them from getting any weapons. The point is to not get hoisted by your own petard. What Qaddafi had is no threat to us (or destroyed).

  • 21. niko  |  September 23rd, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    CIA now admit it has been operating in libya since the beginning of the libyan war

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/24/world/africa/attack-in-libya-was-major-blow-to-cia-efforts.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

  • 22. Dimitri Ratz  |  September 28th, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Obama just gave $45 million to same terrorist elements in Syria and this is after American Ambassador was murdered. Sure this will make them more pro-American. What a fuckup.

  • 23. Dimitri Ratz  |  September 28th, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    I think this determined my vote for this November. It’s too much blood on Obama’s hands for me to vote for this man and sleep at night. I’m going to check out Green Party.

  • 24. Dimitri Ratz  |  September 28th, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I mean it’s one thing hunting some dangerous wild boar that weighs more than a bear and that hunt as packs. This is like killing a defenseless chicken, and worse not even eating it’s meat, but leaving it’s frail body to return to the earth in most disgusting ways just rotting on the sidewalk.

  • 25. Dimitri Ratz  |  September 29th, 2012 at 12:11 am

    In Tolstoy’s Resurrection, his greatest love story, the main character had to go to people he didn’t respect, and who were repulsive in order to get Katusha freed. I guess that’s where most of us are with Obama.

  • 26. Hello  |  October 5th, 2012 at 6:46 am

    @68. Bahama Papa

    I would emal the exiled email or possibly mark ames and ask since they/ he would probably know

    here is a list

    http://exiledonline.com/contact-us/

  • 27. Mr. Bad  |  October 6th, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    Can I nominate a dumbest comment of the year ? If so could it be this for 2012″

    69. Eddie “Russian, China and India have a defacto military alliance. ”

    I’ll accept any decision the war nerd makes so long as he explains his reasoning.

  • 28. Dimitri Ratz  |  October 8th, 2012 at 8:47 am

    @77, the reference was probably to the BRIC organization (Brazil, Russia, India, and China) and now called BRICS since South Africa joined.

  • 29. Eddie  |  December 24th, 2012 at 9:08 am

    @77

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsRFAyxi6c0

    Look what the Indians are buying. Rafale for ground attack and Russian stealth fighters for air to air.

    After your glorious victories in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan maybe the Asians feel a bit less confidence in your abilities to win an actual war.

  • 30. M. H.  |  April 1st, 2013 at 1:45 am

    Mr. Dolan:

    Do you think that I think you care about my opinion? Do you think you can stop this comment before I hurt myself?

  • 31. Mongrel  |  April 11th, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Sure do miss ya.

    I’d love to hear a good old-fashioned War Nerd review of the possible outcomes of an actual North Korean attack on South Korea (leaving aside for a moment the actual possibility that happening or not happening).

    A lot of people make hay about the sheer numbers NK’s got. Numbers do matter, with thousands of tanks (claimed to be something near the Abrams by outside sources, but I dunno), artillery peices, and missile batteries, but there’s one number that’s more important: A non-zero number of those tanks and artillery pieces and missile batteries will actually fire when their triggers are pressed, and some of those may even hit their marks, but how many is a big goddamned question mark.

    Also, unless China decides to support them outright in a war, they’ll be starving in the dark with no gas in a week. And if China DOES support them, then we’ve all got way, way bigger problems besides the nutbar regime busting out like Rick James on funk.

    But yeah, food and gas are a very serious question. Sure they wouldn’t kick in for a couple days, and you can do a lot of a damage in that time, but in a war a few days can either be forever, or nothing at all.

    We are talking about a population where 80 percent of these people are thought to be malnourished to begin with and many will lack any sort of training or initiative to deal with adverse situations. Their generals are the product of politics and none have any combat experience whatsoever (as far as I know, which ain’t much, ha!). When they were shelling stationary islands, nobody was shooting back at them at first and they managed a decent accuracy rate on the second salvo, but in a real hot war, we’re going to see things shake out differently, I think.

    Maybe as a lot of armchair jockeys say, Seoul will still fall and things will get very ugly before the South Koreans hold NK to a stalemate of some kind, but I think there’s a fair chance that won’t happen and a non-zero chance of a total military collapse by NK. Also, I think South Korea has a very fair chance of acheiving total air supremacy at least over its own territory, which is death for many of those invading tanks.

    But this is all speculative bullshit! What does the War Nerd have to say? School me!


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