Mark Sanford’s Twinkie Defense: “I Cheated On My Wife Because Of High Taxes”

Fatwah / June 27, 2009

By Yasha Levine

He knows his wife knows. So he ups and leaves for five days, doesn’t leave anybody in charge of the state, in case there’s an emergency…This is almost like: I don’t give a damn! Country’s going to hell in a handbasket. I just want out of here! … He had just tried to fight the stimulus money coming to South Carolina. He didn’t want any part of it. He lost the battle and said “What the hell? The Federal government is taking over! I want to enjoy life!”

—Rush Limbaugh on Gov. Sanford’s affair, June 25

So everyone is fuming about Limbaugh’s suggestion that the Federal government might actually be responsible for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s infidelity. But Rush is not the first person to say so, nor is he the most authoritative. Thing is, Sanford blamed it on the Feds right off the bat, when he first admitted to having an affair on live network TV last Wednesday.

I watched South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford deliver his genteel apology/explanation live on CNN, but I must have been distracted with fixin’ my turkey sandwich because it wasn’t until I read a transcript of the press conference that I realized it was right there in plain sight for everyone to see: Mark Sanford should not be blamed for what happened between him and the Latin MILF. No, runaway government spending, that’s what’s responsible for the governor’s philandering urges. And everyone knows who’s responsible for America’s Big Government ways… That’s right, President Obama.

I laughed out loud reading this modified twinkie defense, but the argument is no joke. Check it out:

I told [a reporter] about my years in Congress and early years in the governorship, of different adventure of leaving and traveling different places.
Because what I have found, in this job, is that one desperately needs a break from the bubble, wherein every word, every moment is recorded — just to completely break. And I’ve found that to be true in trips to the farm or in trips other places further afield. And all of those things were true.
I talked about the profound frustrations that I’ve felt over this last legislative session, in the battle that was in place with regard to the stimulus package, the $700 million in play, and how, at an emotional level, I found it exhausting.
I tried to make as good a stand as I could — not for a further political office. What was interesting, it was always viewed, are you doing this to climb some further political office?`
It was always based on that idea that I genuinely believe that that action would be bad for the taxpayers, and made the stand as I did.
So all those things we talked about this morning were true, but they’re not the whole story. And that’s obviously why everybody’s gathered here right now.
And so let me lay out that larger story that has attracted so many of you all here. I’m a bottom-line kind of — kind of guy. I lay it out. It’s going to hurt, and we’ll let the chips fall where they may.
In so doing, let me first of all apologize to my wife Jenny and our four great boys, Marshall, Landon, Bolton, and Blake, for letting them down.

There you have it, folks, straight from the horse’s mouth. Mr. Sanford is clearly just an innocent victim of Big Government. The fiscally irresponsible, big spending ways of the Obama administration have been so shocking, so traumatic in nature that he no longer had any solid footing to stand on. His understanding of what it meant to be an American, a devout Christian, a faithful husband and a loving father of five was completely turned upside down. His whole worldview shifted, causing him to flee his home, lock himself inside an apartment and descend into a five-day marathon of meat taco munching with a hot Argentinean MILF. Yes, folks, bolt your doors and don’t let your daughters out alone at night, socialism has finally come to the US of A.

For those of you not familiar with Sanford’s political career, here’s how he cracked:

The beginning of the end started when Obama forced $700 million in stimulus cash on South Carolina, designed to fill a few gaps in the state’s budget. Sanford could deal with the federal bullying, but he couldn’t deal with the wasteful spending. It really was the final social straw.

The fight for this cash was something to behold. These 700 million were earmarked for education and public safety, but Sanford would have none of this socialist money and tried to send it back. Unfortunately, after many months of political wrangling, press conferences, Tea Party appearances and Fox News interviews, he was forced by S. Carolina’s State Supreme court to accept the funds.

The protracted fight for that money, which, you know, he was waging not out of political ambition or a chance at the presidency, but out of a genuine belief that it would have been “bad for the taxpayers”… well, that fight really left him drained. Drained and dangerously depressed, not to mention horrified. He “tried to make as good a stand as [he] could” but he lost and couldn’t keep on fighting. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t keep on thinking about the future… Like Christopher Walken in the Dead Zone, Sanford kept seeing all the horrible things that those 700 million bailout dollars would do to the good people of South Carolina. Just look at what kind of havoc the stimulus money is going to cause:

More teachers will have jobs and children will have better access to early childhood classes, after-school programs and effective literacy interventions after the state Supreme Court said Thursday that Gov. Mark Sanford must accept federal stimulus funds.
The recession has left schools struggling after several rounds of budget cuts, and state Superintendent of Education Jim Rex said the stimulus cash will provide relief. The $700 million will be split between the next two years, including $184 million that will be divided among the state’s 85 district in the coming school year. Colleges and universities will receive $105 million this year, and $57 million is designated for law enforcement programs.
“Class sizes were really going to go up next year as a result of these cuts, and many programs were on the chopping block for big reductions: summer school, after-school programs, adult education, athletics, you name it,” Rex said. “Courses were being canceled right and left. Students were going to feel a direct impact, and now schools may be able to avoid some of that.”

Here’s some more horror:

South Carolina, which had the nation’s third-highest jobless rate in April _ hitting a state record high of 11.5 percent _ cut more than $1 billion from its $7 billion spending plan for 2008-09 as tax revenues slumped in the recession.
Sanford’s refusal has raised the ire of U.S. Rep. Jim Clyburn, the No. 3 House Democrat, who accused the governor of being a foe of public education. Amid budget cuts and uncertainty over the federal money, districts had told hundreds of teachers they don’t have a job in the upcoming school year.
State education officials estimated schools would eliminate 2,600 education jobs, including 1,500 teachers, without the stimulus money.

For liberty-loving, free-market Republicans, this sort of fiscal irresponsibility is the stuff of nightmares! Giving money away to needy people is bad enough, but wasting it on education? It hurts their brains, destroys them…Like in that scene in Freddy’s Dead: the Final Nightmare, where Freddy Krueger explodes a kid’s head by screeching his claw on a blackboard. That’s how bad it hurts them, and Sanford is more sensitive than most. That’s why he was left with “profound frustrations” and it was “exhausting” at an “emotional level.”

freddy

To make it all the more painful, Sanford had a better way to use the cash that no one in his state took seriously. He thought: why waste 700 perfectly good million in bailout cash on the needy, when we could use it to further enrich the wealthy? Because Big Government wasn’t bad when it was being used to pay off banks and speculators. It also wasn’t bad when it was funding fuck holidays for politicians:

Sanford’s travels to Brazil and Argentina cost taxpayers at least $9,000 in airfare, lodging, meals and phone charges, according to state records.
He led a delegation of state government and business leaders to Sao Paolo from June 21 to 23, 2008, for meetings with Brazilian government and business officials and briefings from U.S. Embassy personnel.
…
Sanford said in a statement today that the business development trip was “entirely professional and appropriate,” while also acknowledging meeting his mistress during it.

But the people of South Carolina wouldn’t listen to his ideas; they were downright happy to take the money. They even expressed thanks to Obama! Had the whole world gone mad? Couldn’t people see that they were making a horrible mistake? Sanford had always said that “America’s states are laboratories of democracy.” Any misstep in the lab would leave the market wide open to the Marxist-Leninists!

So here we are…But whatever sad future is in store for America, Sanford’s wife and children are stuck paying the price in the present. How poetic! Because having other people pay for your mistakes, isn’t this what socialism is all about?

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23 Comments

Add your own

1. Gaucho | June 27th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I thought the exile would be amongst the rare few people to understand the need to go abroad to get good sex.
2. delete the borders | June 27th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
3. Warren Moon | June 27th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Look at his fucking wife, what a sexless monster! And those fucking Archie boys, what a hell of an existence. You know he’s a dumbass because he came back.
4. 16 Shells from a 30.06 | June 27th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
The chick he was bangin’ looks like a younger version of his mrs.
Kinda sad…
5. OMG | June 28th, 2009 at 5:26 am
that photograph at the top of the page my god….it really killed me…FAMILLES JE VOUS HAIS!!!
6. buzz | June 28th, 2009 at 7:28 am
gee, another politician caught dilly dallying on the taxpayer’s dime !!!
you woulda’ thought this was the fall of the roman empire all over again, oh! and it’s all emperor obammy’s fault ….
7. Jay | June 28th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’m not surprised that a bunch of Republicans are flaking out now. When you’re on a winning streak, it’s relatively easy to ignore signs of trouble. When you’re losing, it’s harder to cope with the fact that your marriage is a sham and that, apparently, somewhere along the line you’ve become the sort of person who would strenuously object to funding for schools.
8. Homer Erotic | June 28th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Funny about how all that talk about “taking responsibility” goes out the window when it might possibly be applied to them and their moral failings.
9. OMG | June 29th, 2009 at 2:53 am
still haven’t recovered from the sheer horror of the lead photograph…
Families should be banned!!!
btw. I gues this wasn’t the first “misstep” of the good Governor. I mean look at those kids. mahboyzzz!
Look at the constrained smile of his wife. What a nightmare.
10. mike from Arlington | June 29th, 2009 at 5:47 am
For anyone who is confused in the maze of GOP scandals.
11. Figaro | June 29th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I can see why Mrs. Sanford looks so glum. Hubby’s antics cost her a shot at being First Lady. She and Cindy McCain can have good cry together.
12. brian | June 29th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
the guy obviously fell in love and lost all control. Actually this is a much better scandal than Senator Craig cruising for dudes in a bathroom, or Senator Ensign banging his secretary, or Senator Vitter paying hookers to wear diapers.
My question is: why aren’t more people saying ‘go for it, man. life is short’? They’re siding with the frigid, social-ladder climbing, ice queen? Damn it! I’m moving to Argentina!
god, that photo.
13. Tony | June 29th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
@11 Figaro. Yah, both she and Cindy are two peas of the same pod. Filthy rich bitches. They can understand one another perfectly.
14. Required | June 30th, 2009 at 3:01 am
“My question is: why aren’t more people saying ‘go for it, man. life is short’? They’re siding with the frigid, social-ladder climbing, ice queen? Damn it! I’m moving to Argentina!”
Oh my God, no!! We’re not (or at least I’m not) siding with all that. what we’re raging against is obviously the sickening “I love me boyzzz” crap that republicans try to fake to dupe their voters – who, of course, also hate their stifling family nightmare and dream about having an Argentinian mistress/lover, but are too poor to do sex holidays (which I fully support!) to Argentina.
This is what’s too much.
If the guy would have said “damn all this family crap, I want to LIVE!!” I would have cheered him.
But no, he kept on babbling about Big Guvment, family values and so on, what’s more he still does to make his way out of the scandal by that.
That’s really too much.
15. Lyuba | June 30th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
For a good time, call +7(495) 589 87 75, ask for Lyuba. Specializing in recycled 10W40 rubs. Lyuba take you to school.
16. jomat | July 1st, 2009 at 11:37 am
Think Sanford was wrong to cheat on his wife, but you have really stretched what he said in your assertion that he was blaming federal spending. I read it several times and did not get that meaning.
17. geo8rge | July 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
“What the hell? The Federal government is taking over! I want to enjoy life!”
Actually that is sort of honest. A Governor today is really a middle manager. The money and rules come from the federal government. The state government just implements them in the manner least repugnant to the locals. Why not just blow town for a week in Argentina, wtf I just sign a dozen flunkies time cards anyway, no biggy if I am away.
18. Hummer Pludoris | July 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
I suggest that we urgently need an intellectual club generating working ideas to destroy ‘America’ once and forever. This dyshuman phenomenon must not repeat itself.
19. rick | July 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I like the Russian whore ad comment. It’s like the old eXile!
Seriously, people are moral infants. Nobody can accept women need to bang a lot when they’re fertile (which they can, barring grotesque fatness). I don’t think it’s nice to demean an old woman on that basis, but basic comprehension of the fact old women are no longer sexual agents is as obvious as it is horrifying to moral idiots. Hence the hilarity in moralization-heavy conservative politics, where whooping up the insect moralization triggers of the mob is their bread and butter. Look at how they jumped at the “character” test for politicians…they (were) propaganda geniuses.
Long-term marriages are inherently grotesque, with women badgering the life and vitality out of a man. That’s the nature of the game. I respect women for it. A good woman turns a man into a drone-like, ant provider. That is admirable. It’s a woman’s nature to break a man. It’s also slightly disgusting, like most aspects of life. It’s no more disgusting than any predatorial animal action.
But moralizing human behavior is like moralizing an ant-colony…and people moralize as reliably as ants behave, with much less efficiency or sense.
20. SarahP | July 3rd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Do any of you right-thinking pond scum have Sanford’s cell number or email? All of a sudden, I’ve got some time on my hands and want to build up our precious resources and not tear down everything and there is such a need to build up and I want to work for others and support our troops and . . . Oh, shit . . . I just saw Russia outside the window. TODD! There goes the goddam neighborhood! We’re hattin up and headin out to Victorville, like, yesterday? Try not to drop Trig again.
Sanford’s cell number or email, please.
* * * *
Came a tribe from the North, brave and bold
Bearing banners of Silver and Gold
Tried and true, to subdue all their foes
Vandals! Vandals!
21. Jim Vail | July 7th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Yasha’s article on the real estate mess with FHA loans was excellent – very interesting.
On the Sanford scandal and his refusing the stimulus money. One of the stipulations of the stilumus money for education is more charter schools = firing many veteran teachers, loss of health and pension benefits, hiring young and cheap teachers, much longer hours of work and much less vacation -in essence gutting everything teachers’ unions fought for.
The stimulus also demands more onerous testing requirements to focus on bubble tests, rather than the full development of the child – think of it as more of a funded No Child Left Behind Disaster.
Not that Mr. Sanford understood this in initially rejecting the stimulus – but there are definitely no free lunches coming from Uncle Sam and Papa Obama. In fact, you could argue the stimulus money is being used in a Shock Doctrine kind of way to further privatization and de-regulation (charter schools are less regulated and a privatized form of public education). As Mr. Obama’s Chief Asshole Emanuel remarked, ‘never waste a good crisis.’
Sanford is being crucified for being human.
But whether you’re a Repulican a-hole or a Democrat a-hole, the govern. shite is all the same. Like the FHA loans, the stilumuls money ain’t about helping the poor kids, but feeding the donors who put these guys in office.
22. Jack Boot | July 10th, 2009 at 8:17 am
A Rethuglican male politician having an affair with a woman – how drearily bourgeois, dahling!
23. Martin | July 27th, 2011 at 4:42 am
the level of ignorance of the person that wrote this article is abysmal!!!! ….” meat taco munching with a hot Argentinean MILF”… really??? get yourself educated so you don’t look that damn stupid!!!! meat taco munching??? they don’t even eat tacos in Argentina Moron! and FYI, more than %90 of the argentinean population is white, which is more that you can say about South Carolina and all the state of the south combined. He did what did, because He liked it and because obviously is not longer in love with his wife. Don’t judge or justifier him, because everything is more than clear in this case!!!!
By the way, I guess I can understand why you Americans assume Argentinians eat tacos: because although we like to think we’re “white”, from the point of view of real white first worlders in America, Argentinians look no different than your average Mexican wetback. Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!