Issue #28/83, February 10 - 17, 2000

(for one salad, entree, and one cocktail per person)
$ = up to $15.00	$$ = $15.00 to $30.00	$$$ = $30.00 to $50.00	$$$$ = $50.00 to ?

Burger Kveen

Cheers: This may well be the single worst fast food restaurant in the known world. Should be renamed E. Burger Coli.
Jeers:They were stupid enough to run ads in the eXile. Their food is so awful that even the cashiers look like they have hepatitis.
M:Arbatskaya
Address: Nikitskaya 24
Hours: 11.00 - 02.00

Chinese Takeaway

Cheers:Thank god for this place. Authentically greasy, flavor-filled Chinese food-in-a-box, just like they do it at home. Features real live Hunanese indentured servants working 20 hour work days to please you. Try the Peking Beef, Pepper Chicken, and the dumplings.
Jeers:Crowded during peak hours. Didn't the UN outlaw these kinds of labor practices? Ah, to hell with those bleeding hearts at the UN-get those Hunanese fellas to work!
M:Kievskaya
Phone: 243-5688
Address: Nikitskaya 24
Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

Coffee Bean

Cheers:The first Seattle-style coffee shop in Moscow; jumbo capuccinos, tasty torts, lots of faux brick, wine by the glass. Sells the best coffee, aromatic and otherwise, in Moscow. Has a much smaller, less pretentious brother next to the Duck.
Jeers:Dangerously high Friends/Reality Bites factor. No smoking. So authentically Seattle-esque that you may die of fright.
M:Big: Chistiye Prudy; Small: Kuznetsky Most
Phone: Big: 923-9793; small: 923-0219
Address: Big: Pokrovka 18; small: in Kuznetsky Most metro arch.

Jack's

Cheers: Along with Johnny's Fat Boy, the only pizza in town worth ordering over the phone (some swear it's the best). Now has a repeat customer deal: buy 6 pizzas, get one free--not exactly the height of generosity, but hell it's something. Try the Rustica, Butter Basil or the Provencale. Huge salads and sandwiches.
Jeers: Jack loves women. Our last Butter Basil was definitely sub-par. Wha-happ'n? Roll-ups aren't all they're cracked up to be. Lousy cookie. Still too expensive.
Phone: 956-6196
Hours: 9.00 - 22.00

Johnny's Fat Boy

Cheers: eXile alert! Now claims to deliver 24 hours a day! This can't be right, can it? The home-delivered version can competes with Jack's for Best of Moscow honors on most days, while the new individual-sized pseudo-gourmet jobs at the restaurant are delish (we like the spicy Tekhaskaya) and cheap as hell ($2-3); this place has come a long way since opening as a sort of imitation low-rent Starlite. Good cheesecakes... try the orange version for a change. $2.50 eggs, toast, and bacon plate is perhaps the cheapest edible breakfast option in town.
Jeers:Sandwiches have improved, but are still inconsistent--a recent Philly cheese steak left much to be desired; we always thought the name of the chain was Bob's Big Boy--there's something fishy here.
M: Turgenevskaya
Phone: 755-9554
Address: 22 Myasnitskaya
Hours: 8.00-24.00

Kosmopolis

CheersTasty grilled sandwiches and mellow spacey atmosphere remind you of the good old days in college when you had less money and fewer friends and spent alot of time eating alone in weird diners while other people got laid.
Jeers:Waitresses did not know the contents of any of the speciality sandwiches. Plasticky processed cheese a conspicous bummer. Food is tasty but not quite worthy of the prices.
Phone: 236-7564
Address:Leninsky Prospekt, 4
Hours: call

Sandwich Queen

Cheers:We won't make a gay pun on the name, but you can; decent sandwiches, esp. the turkey breast.
Jeers: Only cater to the stressed business-hour clientele; food too bland to be called regal.
Phone:259-5121
Hours: 11.00 - 02.00

Lackey Pizza

Cheers:Finally! If you want tasty stoner-friendly pizza at Stop 'N Shop cheap-O prices delivered right to your castle gates without having to pay Jack's tithes, then your dreams have come true. Delicious, man-sized single-person pizzas go for 70-100 rubles, delivered to your doorstep, no questions asked! Also, they take orders up to 10:30pm, just in case you've missed Jack's or Johnny Fat's. Urah!
Jeers: Keep a little packet o' Tums by your bed. Slightly cardboard-tasting crust. Otherwise, can't complain.
Phone:259-5121
Hours: 11.00 - 02.00

Tulio's

Cheers: eXile alert! Manager Kato is said to be on his way out! Starvin' Ivan's fave pizza place, since he smells bankruptcy!
Jeers:Cornholio's. Crust tastes like the sole of a Belarussian shoe.
Phone: 978-5776
Hours: 11:30 - 23.30

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