Issue #28/83, February 10 - 17, 2000  

Russian Just Browsin' Bochka Fat Moe Fox Pub Fyodor's Gulyai-Gorod Kafe Lex Mephisto's Castle Mesto Vstrechi Moscow Time Red Square Samovar Shinok Stolovaya Sudar Taras... U Yuzefa

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(for one salad, entree, and one cocktail per person)
$ =  up to $15.00	$$ = $15.00 to $30.00	$$$ = $30.00 to $50.00	$$$$ = $50.00 to ?

$$$

Cheers:eXile alert! Our general counsel Moe Snideman just re-affirmed Bochka with a "Two legal pads up, Way Up!" review. The blini and shashlyk, as well as the service, were of particular joy to Mr. Snideman. Low-lit wood and brick interior is extremely inviting; good service; great salads and vareniki. The turkey shashlyk (it's not on the menu, but ask for it anyway) is superb; it's just across the street from the Mezh' hotel, krazy kevin's preferred playground for the suicidally inclined.
Jeers:Located in the middle of nowhere; often crowded with hordes of New Russians with cellphones permanently attached to their ears.
M:1905 goda
Phone: 252-3041
Address:2 ul. 1905 goda
Hours: non-stop

$$

Cheers:Reasonably comfy neighborhood hangout-type place with decent Russky bar-food. Chicken sandwich a favorite with the locals. Cheap draft Baltika. Ice cream makes up for in quantity what it lacks in character.
Jeers:Half the stuff on the menu is frequently unavailable. On the expensive side for what it is. Frequently smells of British people and cigars. Naming your place after the lower East side Jewish bar in Once Upon a Time in America is lame in a way we can't quite put our finger on (see the cheap photocopies of scenes from the movie for an idea of what we mean). They give out measly 5% discount cards to "valued customers." Comes highly praised by Kato, the illiterate fuck from Tulio's, who apparently lives nearby.
M:1905 goda
Phone: 252-3041
Address:2 ul. 1905 goda
Hours: non-stop

$$

Cheers:eXile alert!Excellent dyev-desserts including sorbet and fresh strawberries with cream. Non-spicy wings pleasing to narrow minded dyevs. Chinese pasta with beef was a big hit recently ($5). Named after a famous Dublin pub, this place has an outstanding interior composed of an interesting assortment of Krizis-style mechanical painting/sculptures and attractive green and red-stained wood. Russianized bar food prepared by a chef who used to be at the Metropol's Teatro restaurant. Huge portions and super-rich cheesecake. Super low prices, cozy place for date.
Jeers: Music doesn't set the mood--or any mood. The dressing on the Big Salad can be a bit overpoweringly tangy. Surrounding neighborhood still looks like a post-Holocaust ghetto in desparate need of some urban renewal.
M:Sukharevskaya
Phone:207-0498
Address: Dayev pereulok 2
Hours: 11.00-24.00 (until last customer leaves)

$$$

Cheers: The sumptuous, rustic aura of an aristocratic, pre-Revolutionary Russian hunting lodge. Original museum-quality decor, replete with velvet sofas, art, and real, firing antique pistols on the walls. Good service and eclectic winelist, including a cellar of Soviet desert-wine specialities.
Jeers: No game trophies to stare at you while you eat. Typical, intrusive hijacking of empty plates and glasses.
M: Kitai Gorod
Phone: 923-2578/924-8100
Address: Lyubyansky Proyezd 19

$ - $$

Cheers: Inexpensive place with quasi-upscale design makes the most of its picturesque Kremlin-side location with a decent Euro-Russian salad bar (just 99R), good salmon, and decent house wine that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Also has some more exciting entree options (such as rabbit) for a little more dough. Could be the perfect place to see lame semi-famous Russky pop act during one of their weekend concert/parties. "Special" dancing girls, whose act we haven't caught yet. Ridiculously cheap 80R 3-course business lunch that changes daily.
Jeers: Could be too authentically Russky cheesoid for some eXholes. We can't help but fear that the whole Manezh complex is just going to implode someday like the house in "Poltergeist"; if and when this happens, it's bound to ruin your meal.
M: Okhotny Ryad
Phone: 737-8345
Address: Manezhnaya ploshchad (in the Manzeh mall next to Sbarro and facing the Kremlin/Aleksandrovsky Sad)
Hours:12.00-24.00

$

Cheers: : May be Russia's best cheap-O Russian cafe. Knock-out sturgeon shashlik (110R) and a club sandwich every bit as good as Starlite's, only 1/5 the price (50R). Hilariously named Carlos Castaneda burrito (75R) is really just Russian meat in lavash, but it's darn tasty. Excellent bliny for $1-$2, and omelets. Babe magnet.
Jeers: Played cheesy versions of classic dirthead laserium numbers like "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Part VII)" and "Hey You." Chrome-a-matic.
M: Taganka
Phone: 912-9187
Address: Ul. Taganskaya 2 (Torg. Center Pyramid)
Hours:10.00 - 6.00

$$

Cheers:Highly entertaining: mega-cheesey haunted castle interior will impress Russian dates or clients; menu offers things like "slightly spotty sea perch," "Dried meat from Mephisto labs," and "French frogs." Tasty frogs, quail, salmon dishes.
Jeers: Too oily; don't come here if you're in a bad mood.
M: 1905 goda
Phone: 259-6497
Address: 10 Shmitovcsky proyezd
Hours: 10.00 - 6.00

$$

CheersOne of Moscow's best mid-range, low-key options, attracting a smart young crowd. Cellar atmosphere, tasteful music that doesn't blow your eardrums out, and top-quality food at a great Val-U. Try the gumbo soup, pork ribs, and the eggplant appetizers. 3-course Biz lunch special said to kick hind. Chicken fried in a curry sauce was huge, juicy, and packed full o' flavor.
Jeers:Name may be hard for USAID people to remember.
M:Pushkinskaya
Address: 9/8 Maly Gnezdnikovsky per.
Phone:229-2373
Hours:12.00 - 5.00

$$

Cheers: Inexpensive, often delicious Russian cuisine--along with some spicier international numbers, such as the Mex black bean soup that's whipped up by the #2 chef (a Nigierian!). 40s NY-style interior is way too elegant for a place in the Hotel Rossiya. Cheap drinks make the nice river views even nicer. Typically Russian salads that manage to show some imagination. Terrific vareniki--with potatoes as a savory and with cherries as a sweet. Stupendous sturgeon entrees for just $13; surprisingly good NY cheese cake. Open round-the-clock, and even has a bargain-priced breakfast from 5 to 11am.
Jeers: Be careful, the name could attract an unappetizing low-paid hack journalist element. We still haven't entirely warmed up to the Rossiya's dapper new remont.
M: Kitai-Gorod
Phone: 913-5397/6957
Address: Ulitsa Varvarka 6 (Hotel Rossiya)
Hours:24 hours

$ - $$

Cheers:It just doesn't get any more centrally located than this; outstanding old-style Russian cuisine in an intimate atmosphere. The kind of borshch you wish your mother could make; four-cornered kulebyaka revives warm memories of Gogol and hypochondriacal insanity. Ya gotta love that black bread ice dessert; top-notch mors and kvas helps restore the faith of old-timers who find themselves succumbing to Russophobia. Ludicrously servile staff really gets into character. Low, curvy ceilings make for quality eavesdropping on idiot tourists.
Jeers: Those idiot tourists can be depressing. Lower level bar features second-rate jazz. Kato from Tulio's is a fan. See Lionel's gentile-friendly review.
M: Ploshchad Revolyutsii
Phone: 925-3600
Address: 1 Krasnaya ploshchad
Hours:12.00 - 24.00

$$$

Cheers:If your folks are in town and are whining that they want good Russian food, then take them here. Everything is good. Ten different blinis, twenty different pelmenis. Even the music and atmosphere are tasteful.
Jeers: So long as we're not paying, we have no reason to jeer.
M: Turgenyevskaya
Phone:924-4688
Address: 13 Ul. Myasnitskaya
Hours: 12.00 - 23.00

$$$

Cheers:This is the ultimate S&M Ukrainian dining experience. Seating is arranged around a massive windowed terrarium that houses chickens, roosters, a pony, sometimes a cow, and... you'll never guess... a real live peasant girl! Oh boy, is it sexy, folks. She sits quietly and obediently on a bench beside the pony, plain, pale, meek... While you feast on royal portions of superb golubtsy, borscht, varenniky and a selection of fish and meat dishes that range in price from $15 to $30. Even the waitresses are sexy and serene. The possibilities vis-a-vis the peasant girl are, as they say, endless: either she's being exploited in the late 20th Century or in the late 18th. Either way, we give it two chubbies way up!
Jeers: Too expensive for Ukrainian food, especially when you consider it's not much better than Korchma. You might wind up sitting next to a loud, disgusting Texan trying to woo his plain mail-order bride, or a table of cell-phone tagging molls.
M: Turgenyevskaya
Phone:924-4688
Address: 13 Ul. Myasnitskaya
Hours: 12.00 - 23.00

$

Cheers:Oh my, folks, this is easily the best sovkovo dining experience in Moscow. Eat to your heart's desire for under 20,000 rubles, and no propusk necessary. An eXile favorite.
Jeers: One customer pointed to a tray of meat and asked the server, "Is that pork?" "How should I know!" she snapped.
M:Oktyabrskaya
Address: Yakimansky Per. 6
Hours: 9.00 - 20.00

$$$

Cheers:Good location; one of Moscow's very top Russian food options; features chef who used to run the Savoy restaurant; chef wears funny tall chef's hat, giving him a cheffy look; tasty pork and meat entrees, fresh imported seafood dishes; try the "hangover salad."
Jeers: Too few hot appetizer selections; live cheesy lounge music unsettling at times; with Guriya nearby, isn't a good val-U option.
M: Park Kultury
Phone: 247-1157
Address: Zubovsky Proyezd, 2
Hours: 12.00-00.00

$

Cheers: : A super new budget option with all your Ukrainian faves at prices anyone can afford. Vareniki and borshch like mama used to make. Good service, even. Seems to be popular with quasi-thug types.
Jeers: Annoyingly quaint interior. Waiters wear depressing straw hats like Judge Reinhold in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You'll have to tell your khokly jokes some place else.
M: Chekhovskaya
Phone: 200-6082
Address: ulitsa Petrovka 30/7 (stroyenie 1)
Hours:12.00 - 23.00

$$$

Cheers:Bills itself as a Jewish restaurant; one of the early private restaurants.
Jeers: Pronounce the name "Oo, you suffer." 'Cuz you do. The continued existence of this restaurant may be why Russians are growing increasingly anti-Semitic. Even Lionel Tannenbaum admitted that after wretching through an U Yuzefa meal, he was ready to lend tacit support to Barkashov's "Rid Moscow of Zhids" campaign, if only to get this restaurant closed for good.
M: Paveletskaya
Phone: 238-4646
Address: Ulitsa Dubininskaya 11/17
Hours: 12.00 - 24.00

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