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low-yield murder |
"skull-brain trauma" |
podyezd |
really stupid criminal |
children |
Russian Sports Connection |
murder-suicide |
cries for help ignored |
"investigation continuing" |
carved up like a turkey |
related to victim's job |
cannibalism |
riddled with bullets |
old people |
Don't Fight on the Job
A verdict was finally handed down last week in one of the true standout cases of same-sex janitor rape that Russia-the world, actually-has seen in recent times. The Savelovsky municipal court isn't releasing the name of the man who was just sentenced to three years in Siberia for the anal rape of a co-worker: apparently they feel good taste demands discretion in this affair. Nonetheless, the gory details were released to the press. In December, two janitors for the "Rus" shopping center on Leningradsky Prospekt were drinking cognac after hours in the Rus locker room, when a fight broke out over who was going to buy the next round. It wasn't much of a contest. One janitor was 25 and a former boxer, while the other was 20 and sporting the wispy build of Moscow Times interim editor Geoff Winestock.
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| Role playing can help improve the sex lives of any couple. |
Boxer-man quickly won the initial scuffle and subsequently demanded, surprisingly, that Winestock-man give him a victory blowjob. Winestock-man refused and was beaten further, until he lost consciousness, at which point Boxer-man stripped him and committed an act of fierce locker-room muzhelostvo with his bleeding body. Winestock-man awoke the next day and walked bow-legged to the Khoroshevsky police station, where officers listened to his sad tale and, avoiding the temptation to ask for cognac money, subsequently picked up Boxer-man and charged him with rape. Boxer-man leaves behind a wife and an infant child as he heads for Siberia to think things over.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
You know you live in tough times when truant officers and counter-terrorist special forces follow the same leads. Russia is there, and what can we say but... You've Come a Long Way, Baby! On April 29, Russian police thought they had yet another Quickly Forgotten Unsolved Terrorist Incident on their hands when a police transport bus blew up at 4 a.m. in front of the local UVD precinct on Lyublinskaya Ulitsa. The location and target pointed to the well-worn "Chechen Trail" that police have been "discovering" at crime scenes for years now, but the relatively small size (less than 100 grams of TNT) and unsophistication of the exhaust-pipe bomb that was eventually found led investigators to conclude that the explosion was an act of hooliganism and not state-sponsored terrorism.
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| "That's not choloroform you smell. I just farted!" |
Sho' nuff, investigators quickly found and detained a group of local high school students who were seen near the bus that night, and all three confessed under questioning to complicity in the blast. Police have not yet released a motive for the bombing, and tapes of Beavis and Butthead were not discovered in the youths' homes. It is speculated, though, that all three criminals were stupid, poorly educated, and bored.
Beware of Dogs
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Has anyone besides the eXile staff noticed a disturbing new trend in Moscow street life in recent months? It seems like overnight, every frail old woman and ditsy teenage girl in the city has taken to walking huge attack dogs either without leashes at all, or with homemade leashes fashioned out of dental floss or old shoelaces. Rottweilers, Dobermans, Mastiffs-every scary breed you can think of-they're all out there, virtually unsupervised, roaming the city and sniffing out eXile-reading future victims while their owners window-shop or push their walkers along the sidewalks. If they're living in the same conditions as most Muscovites, these dogs are stuck most of the day in cramped apartments with little light and a paltry selection of food. That can't make them happy. We at the eXile believe that for the good of society, Doberman Pinscher dogs should have their own rooms, stereos, and television programming, and should be issued cards granting them free travel on Moscow public transportation. That way they'll be less antsy on the streets. Like soldiers, they should be taken care of, to prevent trouble. In any case, we've been waiting for a story like the following one to appear in the news, and finally it has-the year's first death-by-dog story. It appears police discovered the body of a naked girl just outside of 10 Prospekt Vernadskogo, in a parking lot. The girl was covered in evil-looking bruises and incisions, and at first police concluded that the girl had died following a sexual assault. The municipal coroner, however, came back with a stranger conclusion as to the cause of death: toxic shock caused by multiple dog bites. The official line on this story so far is that the girl was a prostitute who brought a client to the garage area to perform a "sex act".
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| "I've got an idea. After dessert, let's go back to my place and make out." |
There, she and her john were startled either by a pack of stray dogs, or by the guard dog of the parking lot. The john fled, while the girl didn't manage to escape on time. Another version has the local pack of stray dogs (which tend to frequent the garage area, as they do around many city parking lot) happening upon the girl in the midst of a striptease she was performing for a client. Stripteases, apparently, are uncool in the stray-dog world. Who knows. In any case, police have yet to identify the twentysomething canine victim, and in fact request your assistance. If you know the girl in the above picture, or if you've used her services, please call 143-03-32. You won't win a t-shirt from the cops, but you may get to testify against a dog in court.
Another Depressing Story About the Cost of Human Life
Just when you thought they couldn't place the cost of human life any lower, a decision comes down from the Russian Supreme Court which should arouse chuckles in the most hardened ghoul-poolers. According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, two murderers-a certain Mochalov and his accomplice, a 29 year-old named Leonov- were each sentenced to 14 years in prison last week for murdering an old lady with a hunting knife. As part of their unusual sentence, both men were commanded to pay the victim's family 100,000 rubles in compensation. 100,000 old rubles. Meaning less than 20 bucks.
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