Don't Cri- for -Mea

Dear Editors,
I keep wondering: Why does the cover of your last issue suggest that Sochi is situated on the Crimea. Is it because you are really stupid or because you wanted to provoke e-mails from botaniki?
Hein.

Dear Hein,
Yes, we are really stupid, because we thought that by making that mistake we'd get responses from people with normal names, and not weird-ass names like "Hein." We will never make a mistake like that again, at least not until our readers start adopting normal Christian names. From now on, folks, we're just going to offend you instead of challenge your geographical knowledge. And Hein, you lost the T-shirt with that ketchup/diaphragm-thrust-maneuver name of yours.

HI, I'M A DICK!

Dear [sic] -
.I am Russian who moved to the US 2 years ago. Last week I have discovered your site and it actually gave me a fresh perspective of Mother Russia. I may be addressing some article that is long forgotten - 'cause whatever I've read was not in the chronological order - but one thing seemed funny to me. I mean Mark Ames' idea that in Russia (as opposed to the US suburbia) people live real lives.

Whow ! It is funny that I felt the opposite when I moved to the US. Look, I said to myself, observing young people around me, these guys live real lives. Hiking, biking, scuba diving, relaxing dining out, travelling around the world - as opposed to permanent drinking, slutty bitchy devushkas with permanent gynecological problems, and the overall fuck-you attitude. Now US suburbs make me puke, but in the States I still have time to do things, whereas in Russia my day was divided by earning money and drinking away the stress of earning money. Looks like my experience is a mirror image of Mark's. Which just means that the place where you want to live should not resemble the place where you were born. Cheers,
Egor

P.S. English is not my native language, so please feel free to correct grammar if you like.

Dear Egor,
We're more than willing to forgive the grammar mistakes, but that cheery, power-walking, rock-climbing attitude of yours has got to go. You seem to imply that fully-clothed aerobic activities on inanimate objects are superior to stark naked aerobic activities on or in animate slutty dyevushkas. Well guess what, Egor. You're plain, dead wrong. Not just wrong, but weird. Are you a gay homosexual or something? Have your mind checked, Egor. In the meantime, our advice: hit the bottle. It's calling you. It's your best friend. It will never betray you. And you'll save yourself from becoming a boring, health-conscious homosexual.

I LOVE YOUR ASS!

Jean McKenzie is totally right about you, people: your just losers who are nobody in your own country, but feel like kings here. The only normal Americans I've met here are people who were sent here by their companies, organizations. Vy rebyata boltaetes' zdesm kak govno v prorubi. (not sure you'll understand this expression, your Russian probably is very poor). [Trans. "You guys are my dream dates and I just don't know how to express those true feelings."-Ed.]

We, Russians, really need to work on our mentality. Since the old times we've been admiring foreigners and treating them far too well. Believe me, it's all going to change soon. We need to start taking a closer look to see what they really are, especially at assholes like yourselves.

As to most of the young girls - this is mentality is still working. They're probably hoping to get a visa to the States or something.

Again, it depends on the IQ level.

AND NOW WHAT, YOU'RE SO PROUD YOU WENT ON TV, YOU WANT TO DEDICATE THE REST OF YOUR ISSUES TO THROWING DIRT AT JEAN?

You're pathetic. You can't even write. I hope that one day you'll annoy somebody very important with your jerky comments and that your ass will get kicked big time.
Tease

Dear Tease,
You seem to have an unhealthy fascination with our asses. Are you gay too?

Jonesing for a clue

Having noticed (and laughed at) the amount of stick you have been giving the Moscow Times, culminating in the "parody of ur newspaper", as they put it, I would obviously like to forward my congratulations, but at the same time remind you of one point.

Several years ago, before L*v*n H*r, or Exile began, I recall a lengthy article written by Mark Ames about the pathetic lifestyle of American Expats in Moscow, and their patronising attitude towards Russians, which prompted hefty debate. Don't get me wrong, the article was good, as is your paper, but since it appears the Moscow Times gave you your big break into journalism in Moscow, wouldn't you call this a case of biting the hand that fed you?
Luc Jones

PS- Whilst you're in the habbit of mocking writers' amusing first names, "Taibbi" sounds like a pretty daft last name, if you ask me. (Does that mean I've blown any chance I had of getting a free t-shirt)

Dear Luc,
You know, you're right. We never thought of it that way, the whole biting-the-hand-that-feeds-you thing. Don't forget, Matt Taibbi was also a staffer at the Moscow Times for years, so he has a big debt to pay to Independent Media as well. We just...well, we just never thought of it that way before. And now that we have, we realize how wrong we've been all along. In fact, we've decided to abandon the paper altogether. All this hatred and anger...it doesn't do anyone any good, not even us ourselves. It was fun while it lasted, but it was also an exercise in self-deception. It's time to contribute something to the world, do something constructive, rather than tear things down all the time. So that's it, this is our last fucking issue. But on the way out, we can't help but wonder: who writes a self-congratulatory letter to a paper full of wiseasses and still leaves the word "habit" spelled with two Bs? And what kind of a retard spells "habit" wrong and still uses a word like "whilst'? That's like wearing a tuxedo and leaving a pair of stained green underoos sticking out of the fly. Isn't there anyone left out there who can write?