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The War Nerd / March 27, 2011

Sunday, the day the Lord appointed for revenge. And who better to practice on than the Luzer who reviewed my book back in 2008? Luzer is actually his name. Seriously, Daniel Luzer. Luzer reviewed my book for some goody-goody lefty magazine called Mother Jones.

I don’t know that magazine, “Mother Jones,” but I know I’d hate it.

I bet it was named after some “Mother Jones” figure from Alternative American History, probably some unmedicated heiress type who took proletarian cats into her house until the fascists at the pound gassed them all, “America’s Own Auschwitz!” “Katyn for kitties!”

These American lefties, I swear to God. Other countries have revolutionaries like Pancho Villa. I could back somebody like Pancho in a second. But these little preachers—that’s what they remind me of more than anything: preachers—and not Pentecostal ones either because to give them credit Pentecostal preachers are a salty bunch. More like Anglicans. Yeah that’s it: Leftists are like Anglican preachers. In fact half of them ARE Anglican preachers. The women, mostly.

And what these lefty preachers hate more than anything is bad language. Seriously. Nobody notices but it’s true. Everybody think because the movies say “fuck” a lot that we’re all past the bad-language thing, but the bad words have just changed, that’s all. These preachers are as twitchy about language as they ever were. That’s why Daniel Luzer had a problem with my book.

Here’s a sample of his review. He’s trying to sum up what I said, but he can’t even do that because there are words like “rape” in it. He says I claim that “…people don’t give a s—t about democracy.” [That’s how he spells “shit,” by the way: “s–t.” He can’t even say that.] Luzer goes on: “In a recent interview for Marketplace of Ideas, a public radio program about books and culture, [Brecher] explained that this war is evidence that most people are not rational, but tribal. People fight wars to appropriate the enemy’s stuff and sleep with his women.”

Did you catch that last bit, “sleep with his women”? Yes, Mister Luzer, that’s exactly how I imagine a gang of Liberian child soldiers high on brown-brown taking down a village: first they shoot anyone who resists, then they chop off hands and feet, and then they put down some nice grass mats and have a siesta with the local wymmyn. It gets a little rough, regrettably, such as when the coked-up 13-year old who’s already raped and murdered several hundred people lies down next to the wymmyn of his choice and points his AK at her, muttering, “Now go to sleep, and you better attain full REM state in 15 minutes or I blow your head off!”

God forbid I should describe what actually happens, this mob going in and raping them.

Hear that, Luzer? “Rape.” Not “sleep with.” Sleep is not involved. And the word is “shit,” not “s__t.” Maybe that’s how snakes swear, but us humans, we got the full vocal apparatus and we can say the whole word.

Words, that’s all the Luzers care about.

I can’t figure out their angle. Are they really stupid enough to think that if people don’t say bad words, then bad things won’t happen? Somebody tell me they can’t be that dumb, please. Tell me it can’t be that granite-stupid. Because when I read over Luzer’s review, that’s the only logic I can see in it: “Bad language is bad because it’s…bad.” He pretty much says so:

“Although much of what he says makes sense, and resonates profoundly with our current situation, it’s often hard to take Brecher seriously because his book is plagued by offensive language and peculiar digressions.”

I read that sentence over a few times, trying to find some other way to make sense of it, but as far as I can tell it says outright: “Brecher may be right, but he uses some very bad language, and that’s much more important than being right.” That’s the American left in one sentence, far as I can see: nothing is as important as not using bad words. They’re way, way more into policing people’s language than actually making anything happen. Makes me understand better why the only American lefty I could ever stand was Hunter S.

Mr. Luzer, sir, your honor, ever hear of this guy named Sherman? He had this cool line you might want to check out: “War is Hell.” Three words. And at least one of them is “offensive.” I can imagine Luzer putting on his hospital gloves to review Sherman’s memoirs: “Although much of what General Sherman says resonates profoundly with our present situation, it’s often hard to take him seriously because he uses the H-word. Oh, and the W-word too, which is almost as dirty.”

Luzer to Sherman: “M’kay, maybe if you can tone down the violence and focus more on the human angle, you might have an interesting memoir, m’kay?”

What do these guys say when they slam a car door on their fingers? “Oh, that was regrettable. Heck. Darn.” If you talked like that in any normal school…but then Luzer didn’t go to a real school. I googled his name and found his facebook page, which was funny for a while, then just disgusting. He went to some hippie prep school in Vermont. I don’t really believe there is such a place as Vermont, but if there is it would explain a lot of Luzers. More and more, I’m seeing the people who write for all the mainstream crap didn’t go to school at all, never got called a fat sack of…excuse me, Mr. Luzer, let me adjust that word for you…never got called “a fat sack of s__t” every day at recess, never got hit in the face in their lives, because they’ve all been homeschooled to keep the bad world out or sent to little biosphere freakazoid bubbles like the one Luzer attended, “The Gailer School” in Vermont.

Which is fine, I guess, if you want to be like that, but don’t come out of your Vermont spacesuit to wag your schoolmarm finger at me for using bad words to describe mass rape in West Africa. Let’s make a deal: I get the language that covers Liberia, and you can have the language that covers The Gailer School of Middlebury, Vermont. I’ll take that deal in a second.

Just look at Luzer’s facebook page and you get a picture of his world clear enough to make you puke. The picture [see top] shows Luzer, a balding white guy, canoeing on a lake somewhere, grinning at the camera. It says, “Hey, lookit me! I’m paddling my own canoe, friend! I’m out here on an All-American pond somewhere and the sun is shining on my front teeth and golly, if that word ‘golly’ doesn’t offend you, life is grand, chums!”

Under the picture is his career history. He went to the Gailer School, made a lot of global warming collages there, I’ll bet, and then to college at Cornell, where I bet he met some nice future Anglican bishop coeds and might even have had more than one glass of wine on a couple of occasions, and then to grad school at Columbia. Then Mother Jones and the Washington Monthly. And now he’s in our nation’s capitol. Ta-da!

I started out this entry all pissed off, remembering what it was like to get my book panned by lap dogs, and I was going to end off with another slam but actually—maybe it’s just the Sunday coffee, it’s better stuff than the weekday Taser-in-a-cup I use to get moving—but I feel kind of proud that this two-legged Golden Retriever didn’t get me. You go marry some nice Anglican bishop-ess, Luzer, and keep policing those bad words. And I get the rest of the world, everything you won’t see or hear. God yes, what a deal! See ya, sucker!

Would you like to know more? Gary Brecher is the author of the War Nerd. Send your comments to Read Gary Brecher’s first ever War Nerd column by clicking here.

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Add your own

  • 1. Jyp  |  March 28th, 2011 at 6:50 am

    The (so-called) left: the actual left was hijacked, raped, strangled, and buried behind the old waterheater in the basement by bourgeoise baglickers. Mainly because us stupid werkers dont no how to rite good nor even spell for shit. Goddamn it. Stems from Marx’s incidious notion that the revolution would be led by sections of the bourgeoise ruling class (ie., the “intellectuals) who would split off and become the vanguard. But mainly because they’re lazy fuckers would dont like to werk hard and too wussy to be acceptable to the real men (ie., closeted homosexuals) of the right.
    Wassis good coffee you drinkin Dolan? I need some right now.

  • 2. C367  |  March 28th, 2011 at 8:39 am

    This guy is a perfect example of the fake left we got in America and in Europe. An airheaded retard worrying about bad manners while its far, FAR right-wing masters rape entire nations to death. Exiled got it right: these people’s role in life is to suck blood from the real leftist opposition and leave the hollowed-out carcass on the roadside.

  • 3. franc black  |  March 28th, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Brilliant social commentary. The more I read, the more convinced I am of your genius.

    Thank you GB !

  • 4. Onarag Dickshit  |  March 28th, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Sir, I am again in awe.

  • 5. Chas  |  March 28th, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    If this Blog Day series is representative of the future for War Nerd at the hands of Brecher, I move we invite Derp to take over. Gary Brecher is exhausted

  • 6. Funonymous  |  March 28th, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Great article, though I do think you would like the actual Mother Jones. Once, at a miners strike, word came that the National Guard was going to come finish what the Pinkertons and AL goons couldn’t and in her 80’s stands up and says Lets go Get the Sons of Bitches! and storms out of the room. The rest of the chickenshit didn’t follow her out, and she didn’t look to see if they did, and ended up standing alone in front of the Guard telling them to go to hell. Hoover was the one who get her her nickname too for that matter.

  • 7. Jon  |  March 28th, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Well, I know from personal experience that there are at least a few lefties who love to swear. Fuck.

  • 8. maus  |  March 28th, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    @24: “If it is true on your book cover that you drink “too much diet coke” please make yourself aware that you are poisoning yourself with aspartame which is a neurological weapon. Just a friendly warning: stop drinking it asap.”

    Nice to know the anti-science wing of the left decided to show up. Welcome! I’m sure you’ve had a very busy day of anti-vaccination and fluoridation protests.

  • 9. boson  |  March 29th, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    how come that the warnerd’s right-wing chauvinism hasn’t yet collided with the exiled’s steady leftward shift in the last few years?

  • 10. Carpenter  |  March 30th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I have an ancestor who was a member of the Finnish communist party and rose to be one of its top leaders. He was a lumberjack, one day fought off a bear with his axe and got seriously mauled in the process but survived. He joined the communists because he had an earth floor at home and wanted better pay. Figured the communists might talk truth when they said they wanted to give him that. You can bet your ass he didn’t want Finland swamped by Africans, thinking that they would join in holding hands and singing The International, or that he thought homosexuals are holy and should be in every TV show, all seasons.

    Nope. He was the kind of communist you could talk with about the real world, where he lived. Not a whiny kid who wants to remake the world into an eternal childhood, where Mom and Dad – or just someone – owes you a living and there are no tribes and reality can be legislated away.

    He’d probably be called a fascist by the Luzers today.

  • 11. Jack Boot  |  March 31st, 2011 at 9:47 am

    The modern “moderate” Left(the Pansy Left, to use Orwell’s phrase)is essentially Early Christianity without Christ.

    For instance: “Love thine enemy”; “Turn the other cheek”; Forgive the sinner seventy times seven times” etc. Sounds oddly familiar, does it not?

    To be sure, these Utopian doctrines were formulated while the Christians were a powerless, persecuted minority.

    Upon gaining the upper hand, Christendom ignored them at its convenience for centuries – as indeed it had to, in order to survive in a rough neighborhood.

    However, this councel of suicide (ie the New Testament) was not dead but merely hibernating; biding its time before bursting forth anew (re-branded, of course) in the 20th Century.

    Politically speaking, the Pussy Leftists are now being fed to the lions – and deservedly so.

    Lenin & Friends had their faults; but at least they weren’t squeamish…

  • 12. mr jimmy  |  April 2nd, 2011 at 9:32 am


    your article is fucking wonderful. spectacular even.

    please keep writing !!

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