Good evening ladies and germs. So, I just flew in from America and lemme tell ya…those Americans. They are sooo poor!

“How poor are they?”

Funny you should ask. They’re so poor that–get this–Americans can’t even afford their own funerals. Hwahahaha!

I nit you shot, folks. In counties all across the onetime “world’s only superpower,” Americans are literally abandoning their dead because they can’t afford to bury them. Here’s Time magazine’s account:

Have economic times gotten so bad that some of the dead are going unburied? Several large counties across the country are experiencing unprecedented increases in the number of unclaimed deceased – not only because the dead people could not be identified, were indigent or were estranged from their family, but also apparently because more people simply cannot afford to bury or cremate their loved ones. The phenomenon has increased costs for local governments, which have to dispose of the bodies.

The Los Angeles County coroner’s office has seen a surge in the number of bodies that are not claimed by families for cremation or burial because of economic hardship, according to the Los Angeles Times.

The coroner’s office in Clark County, Nev., which includes Las Vegas, saw a 22% increase in burials and cremations of unclaimed bodies this year…

Currently in Detroit, says Samuels, “I have approximately 65 to 70 bodies that are ready to be buried. Of those 65 or 70, I can tell you, are 35 or 40 where families have signed off on the bodies and they don’t have the funds to bury them.”

So it looks like even the dead are getting bailouts in America these days. (laughter) Thank you, thank you. But on a serious note, folks, as a comedian, in all seriousness, I just want to say that although we laugh about this, there are real people suffering. Like listen to this–and I ask you, as a comedic professional, in all seriousness, to pay attention to this quote from a real individual American who I found very moving and touching:

Despite the considerable costs to his agency, Samuels is sympathetic to the plight people find themselves in. “They don’t do this gleefully. These people are really heartbroken about the fact that they can’t [bury their loved ones]. This is not just a distant relative – you have kids who can’t bury their parents a lot of times, or siblings who can’t bury each other.”

That Samuels is a beautiful man, I tell ya. Hahaha. Boy, I wouldn’t wanna be an American these days, dontcha think, folks? Hwahahaha. No I’m not kiddin’ ya. Because Americans are sooo poor.

“How poor are they?”

They are sooo poor, that today, 1 in every 9 Americans is now on food stamps:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – For the first time, more than 34 million Americans received food stamps in May, the government said on Thursday, another symptom of the longest and one of the deepest recessions since the Great Depression.

Enrollment surged by 2 percent to reach a record 34.4 million people, or one in nine Americans, in the latest month for which figures are available.

Hey, America, how’s that war goin’ in Iraq, huh? Guess this is what happens when you spend 8 years lookin’ for that bin Laden guy, and you still can’t find him. You’re fired! Hwahahaha! Get on food stamps, America! But you’re gonna have to slim up a bit, because they don’t give you enough food to stay as fat as you Americans are! Hwahhahaha!

The average benefit in May was $133.65 per person. The economic stimulus package enacted earlier this year included a temporary increase in food stamp benefits of $80 a month for a family of four.

Bobby Bittman performs on every American’s face every waking minute of their declining lives.

Read more:, Bobby Bittman, What You Should Hate

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