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Dear eXiled... / December 18, 2008
By Abram Magomedov

Today’s question comes from an anonymous reader with political ambitions. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to Team eXiled is here to help.


Dear eXiled,

I’ve been reading with great interest Dr. John Dolan’s and Yasha Levine’s articles concerning drugs, and I’d like your learned advice.

I’m starting my career in politics, not because I follow an ideology or because it’s my calling, but simply because I’m lazy and it’s a far better to be a parasite in an assembly or parliament than to be a office slave.

I’m not particularly talented or intelligent but I’m handsome and people seem to like me, but there are some elements in this line of work that both worry and bother me: in party meetings and rallys I cant avoid feeling bored and I’m constantly yawning, and while making the usual circumstance talk I cant maintain a straight face because what I’m saying and listening is complete rubbish.

Can you recommend some drug or drugs that will help me keep focused and enthusiastic (but without loosing posture) and improve my small talk skills.

Best regards,
A reader


Dear Reader,

This is a no-brainer: what you need are low, constant doses of meth. You don’t need anything powerful. Prescription medication will do. Now, I’m no doctor (although I do have half a medical degree) but it sounds to me like you have a classic case of Type II Attention Deficit Disorder, the inattentive kind. And that means you’re eligible to dose yourself with government-sanctioned amphetamines. Go ahead, go to a psychiatrist and get a prescription. That’s what they are there for. This should be safe enough for your political career and sure beats getting caught trying to score this stuff on the street. But if you’re afraid of getting tagged with a psychological disorder in your permanent medical records, make your wife or friend get diagnosed instead and then use their supply. (Check out my how-to guide for successfully passing your first ADD/ADHD diagnosis. Also, I hear that  Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail is required reading for any politician looking to get into drugs.)

Abram Magomedov, eXiled’s medical-consultant-at-large.

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Add your own

  • 1. tommacko  |  December 18th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    What this fellow requires is a healthy dose of modafinil, while it’s still essentially legal.

    Gives you the alertness of meth, without the sides.

  • 2. markbrockman  |  December 19th, 2008 at 5:50 am

    I think that Provigil would work out. That and acting lessons.

  • 3. Spike  |  December 19th, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    I’d opt for cocaine over meth. It will bring you into contact with a wealthier class of people, which will be to your benefit when you need to hit folks up for campaign contributions.

  • 4. BenCorp.  |  August 16th, 2009 at 5:35 am

    Ritalin! Ritalin Ritalin!

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