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eXiled Alert! / August 26, 2009
By Team eXiled


On this tragic day, Exiled Online caught up with one of Sen. Ted Kennedy’s closest confidants, the late Mary Jo Kopechne, whose intimate relationship with the late Senator was interrupted nearly 40 years ago.

Exiled: Thank you for joining us today, we know that it’s a very difficult time for those closest to Sen. Kennedy.

Mary Jo Kopechne: Glurg-glurg-glrbbl.

Exiled: You have a unique “bottom-up” perspective on the late Sen. Kennedy, given the fact that you’re dead and all. What is the reaction over where you are?

Kopechne: Glurg-glurg-gurgle glrbb glrb. Glurgle-glurb. Glbrbbl blrgbl.

Exiled: I see. It’s amazing to us here in the world of the living that he still inspires you, even though your soul is still stuck underneath a tire at the bottom of that river. You’re saying, without Sen. Kennedy’s inspiring words, you might have given up trying to free yourself?

Kopechne: Blrggb gllrblgl blrgublgl

Exiled: I…I’m sorry, it’s just very emotional for me as well. (blows nose, drinks water, sighs.) Okay, composing myself here. Now. Describe if you could your strongest memory of Ted Kennedy, the man. What did he represent for you?

Kopechne: Glrggl blrg blurgblle glrble.

Exiled: Oh sure, any memory, not just, you know, that night.

Kopechne: Glrrblb gllrbl glrublbl glrublgl. Blrglb balllrglb. Glurg glurbl gluurb. Glurgle. Ha-ha-ha!

Exiled: Ha-ha-ha. Yes of course–and I think it’s wonderful you can joke about it.

Kopechne: Glrbblg glrbl glurg glurbggle glurg.

Exiled: Yes, of course. You’re a brave woman–er, ex-woman. And what about Sen. Kennedy’s contribution to health care. What is Sen. Kennedy’s message to you, a rotted bone or two stuck beneath the mud at the bottom of a creek?


Exiled: Ms. Kopechne? I’m sorry, I didn’t understand.

Kopechne: Glbrbblb glrblbl glrblal.

Exiled: I’m sorry, I’d really like to help, but…look, if you see a light, run to it. I, uh, gotta go now. I’ll be back with some help, I swear. Just give me a few minutes as I snagglepus outta here, exit, stage left, even… Don’t go anywhere, you hear?

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Add your own

  • 1. WE  |  August 26th, 2009 at 6:26 pm


  • 2. doctor k  |  August 26th, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    this is the best goddamn thing thats ever been posted to this website

  • 3. wYSeGuy  |  August 26th, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Wow Team Exiled, You Are Scum Bags.


    Mary Jo kopechne


    Ted Kennedy

  • 4. Anonymous  |  August 26th, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    You’re an asshole

  • 5. BlottoBonVismarck  |  August 26th, 2009 at 10:16 pm


    Naturally the complete non-mention of this Irish ‘GUBU’ affair (*) by the US MSM led inquiring minds to wonder again about the late Mary Joe Kopechne.

    Thanks to The Exiled for yet again being first. Once again they never fail to go where others fear to tread; no barrier of taste too high to stop or even slow their fearless writers.

    To wonder whether it was an ‘accident’ or an accident, derailing Senator Kennedy’s Presidential chances, as it did, so effectively. An ‘accident’, just as the fiery end of Mike Connell’s light plane gave Karl Rove and the other perpetrators of the 2004 Ohio election fraud such a huge sigh of relief.

    Do we know where Cheney was on the fateful night?

    As disasters in the armed services are recognized as heaven-sent opportunities to write-off stolen, lost, mislaid, broken, missing and or black-market-traded equipment, should we now attribute this too to Cheney and be done with it once and for all?

    (*) GUBU – grotesque, unbelievable, bizarre and unprecedented. – the words of Iris premier Charles Haughey on a series of bizarre scandals that many in Ireland thought bore the handiwork of MI-6. Charles Haughey the teflon-coated Irish premier, famously acquitted of smuggling 68,000 handguns to be given to the IRA.

  • 6. braun  |  August 27th, 2009 at 12:35 am

    Very good text. Right to the point.

  • 7. David  |  August 27th, 2009 at 12:43 am

    Geez guys, whose side are you on anyway? This was unnecessary.

  • 8. Shocked  |  August 27th, 2009 at 2:53 am

    I’m Shocked.

    not at the exile but of the people here that are surprised, angered or shocked by this post.

    Do you not realize what website you’re on? Are you new here?

  • 9. Tom  |  August 27th, 2009 at 3:45 am

    At the time, Kennedy asked the voters of his state if he should quit as a result of this tragic accident and the majority told him to keep representing them. If it’s settled for the people of his home state, everyone else’s opinion is meaningless.

  • 10. chickenbutt  |  August 27th, 2009 at 4:36 am

    THAT WAS AWESOME! All Day nothing but KENNEDY WAS GREAT…except for that little incident where he MURDERED a girl. Friggen rich bastard killing a good white girl like that, what a shame.

    My question is not where was Cheney, but where was OJ Simpson?

    The only conspiracy here was by the Kennedys in covering up MURDER by one of their own. This lead to many more great years of the RAPE of MASSACHUSETTS and this formerly great country. FUCK TED KENNEDY!

  • 11. Whatever666  |  August 27th, 2009 at 5:16 am

    This “story” demonstrates why I love The Exile.

    Sometimes there are the devastatingly clever displays of wit, using words like tools of murder…and sometimes, just the gratuitus cheapshot kick to the gonads.

  • 12. Bob Mitchum  |  August 27th, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Fuck you, Exile chimps.

    Such wit. Coming up with the idea of interviewing Mary Jo Kopechne and have her answer everything with a “gurgle, gurgle”. Certainly worthy of Beavis and Butthead and the even dumber life-haters here at Exiled.

    Ted Kennedy was the only establishment US politician who did not abandon all things progressive during the 30-year period of all-out reaction we’re still going through. (Thanks, Obama!)

    But much better a witless, dumb ass joke rather than tribute to a man who stood on the same side of most everything Exiled claims to stand for. But then Exiled doesn’t really stand for anything beyond its latest dump, does it?

  • 13. T. AKA Ricky Raw  |  August 27th, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Americans can really get over a lot of things…like killing a woman and running away…but kill some dogs like Michael Vick and you deserve to never work again for the rest of your life. Jeez.

  • 14. Matt K  |  August 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am

    “But then Exiled doesn’t really stand for anything beyond its latest dump, does it?”

    I’m gunna agree with “Shocked” on this one and ask again, Where the FUCK have you been? This is the EXILED.

    This IS one of the best things I’ve read since last summer of 08.

    Fuckin’ A, Zaebis’!!

  • 15. greg  |  August 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am

    And a big F O to bobby who loves his fat POS teddy. RIP Mary Jo. Hope you have teddy’s pineapple picked out!

  • 16. buzz  |  August 27th, 2009 at 11:45 am

    boo hoo, first it was Micheal Jackson and now Ted Kennedy…

    oh no! how can Amerika survive the loss. how can we go on ?

  • 17. geo8rge  |  August 27th, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    The guy at TSA that put the Lion of the Senate on the no fly list would find this funny.

    BTW, she evidently did not drown, she suffocated in an air pocket.

  • 18. Expat in BY  |  August 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    If you are going to enjoy The eXiled, first, you gotta have a dark sense of humor; second, you gotta not take the world so damn seriously. If you can’t do that, there’s always The New York Times.

    I concur with 8. Shocked. I mean, for how many years was all the Exile humor targeted at life, politics, and political icons in Russia? And now people are getting riled up because the target is now their own beloved American icons?

    Kennedy was great, and deserving respect if for nothing else because of his voting record, but he was a lucky bastard back in 1969. He could have been the Kennedy brother they sent to prison for life. If he wasn’t from a rich and well-connected family, he’d almost certainly have been a convict today and nobody would be calling for tributes to him. Almost all of you in the “too serious” crowd would be laughing at the dark humor in this article as well (except maybe for the ones who demand something that doesn’t so closely resemble Beavis and Butthead).

    Thanks again for breaking up the groupthink, Team eXiled.

  • 19. ggg  |  August 27th, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    all I wanna know is, where wuz u guys last year when they diagnosed the tumor? that brain cancer was comedy gold baby! I was all over the yuks on my blog. Tk, hahahaha this is even better than when john “stupid” jr. crashed his plane! hahahaha! dead kennedys rool!

  • 20. LIExpressway  |  August 27th, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    T. AKA Ricky Raw-Right on! Fucking Hypocrites!

  • 21. A.W.  |  August 27th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    God I miss Kennedy. But I’m afraid to admit it openly, so I’ll use my initials here instead.

  • 22. WE  |  August 27th, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    I’m not shock, surprised or angered it’s just that i have no sense of humor or i only like humor when it doesn’t offend me

  • 23. Andrew  |  August 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Bob Mitchum if you dont hate life what the heck are you doing here

  • 24. Homer Erotic  |  August 27th, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    “By Team Exiled”??? I expect this sort of tasteless drollery from the Exiled, but the person who actually wrote this should really put their name on it.

  • 25. aleke  |  August 27th, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    The Dead Kennedys, everybody! [band of rich boys take a bow, exits stage slightly left]

  • 26. yabadabadoo  |  August 27th, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    The rich gimp the poor, the poor gimp the rich. This was a pretty good try of trying to gimp them back …

  • 27. Jackass in NJ  |  August 27th, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Rich people and cops both have good unions.

    Ted Kennedy just got the same treatment any self-respecting policeman in the United States gets after an “accident”, 48 hours to sleep it off and get your story straight.

    Kennedy wasn’t a bad Senator, and, to tell the truth, one act of involuntary manslaughter doesn’t quite stack up to killing a million people in Iraq.

    But Kennedy’s brand of liberalism didn’t exist because of one “great man”. It existed because the American ruling class wasn’t quite ready to totally kill the New Deal until 2000.

    The Democratic Party had to have some sliver of credibility with progressives lest people decide to vote Nader. And, in the 1980s, it was a real threat. Had the Democratic party not made some concessions, Jesse Jackson might well have led African Americans out and formed his own third party. Ted Kennedy was the designated vehicle for those concessions.

    Now times are different. The American ruling class DOES want to put the final stake into the heart of the New Deal. Ironically, their vehicle is Ted Kennedy’s protege, a liberal African American named…

  • 28. Ashcroft  |  August 27th, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    #2, #11, #18 exactly, this is classic eXile, what’s with the crywannks?

  • 29. Antonio B.  |  August 27th, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    What a fantastic example of fine interviewing! So insightful! I hope to see the footage this interview posted soon! My sixth grade history class is going to love it!

  • 30. Robert Hodge  |  August 27th, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    TEDDY murdered a girl.

    I repeat.

    TEDDY murdered a girl. He should have spent the rest of his life in prison.

  • 31. wengler  |  August 27th, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    Classic Exile.

    And for all you kids out there getting drunk and running your car off a bridge with your girlfriend inside-that is a deal breaker when it comes to becoming President. Stick with derailing peace talks that get millions of people killed(Nixon 1968) and cutting deals with anti-American mullahs to keep US nationals in captivity(Reagan 1980). Or just be an evil old bastard(Cheney).

  • 32. giovanni  |  August 28th, 2009 at 1:15 am

    Thanks Exiled, thanks Mark.

    Is the first time I comment, but with this proof of sanity you really made my day.

    Seems silly, but those little things (eg: feeling that other human being still exist and try to raise their head above the water) are important in life.

    Go Exiled, go!

  • 33. Cal  |  August 28th, 2009 at 5:25 am

    Fuck Ted Kennedy – he was exactly what the Exile says – a fucking coward and a rich, bitch, hypocrite. Caught twice cheating at Harvard, set up with a safe position during the Korean War in Paris by his rich bootlegging Daddy, a notorious mean drunk, and a killer. His only accomplishment – spending other peoples’ money while the Kennedy’s hid theirs behind elaborate tax shelters.

  • 34. EJK  |  August 28th, 2009 at 7:16 am

    And fuck Cal the pimple dick who has nothing better to do than jack-off on his keyboard at 5:25 in the morning.

    Such hate. Maybe in your next “life” you’ll be the one getting the beautiful girls, instead of just your hand.

  • 35. Judy Ahern  |  August 28th, 2009 at 8:08 am

    I can’t wait to see the interview with the 17 year old boy Laura Bush killed when she was also 17. He was her former boyfriend. Accident? Sure.

  • 36. Sin Froneres  |  August 28th, 2009 at 11:25 am

    @34 Because we are all in the same timezone, yes?

  • 37. WE  |  August 28th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    And not only for that hour and day were reason and conscience darkened in this man, who, more than all the other participants in this affair, bore upon himself the whole weight of what was happening; but never to the end of his life was he able to understand goodness, or beauty, or truth, or the meaning of his own actions, which were too much the opposite of goodness and truth, and too far removed from everything human for him to be able to grasp their meaning. He could not renounce his actions, extolled by half the world, and therefore he had to renounce truth and goodness and everything human.

  • 38. Groovius Maximus  |  August 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    That was beautiful. Classic stuff straight out of the back issues.

    If you don’t like it, then close the page and read the next article. Or go to a different website.

  • 39. Geemush Pomah  |  August 28th, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Quite frankly I am more concerned that my favorite Italian pectahpah in Moscow closed.
    Makaroni! Great Pumpkin Soup, excellent Calzonnes and the Profiteroles were to die for. Who gives a rats ass about Ted Kennedy. I have owned dogs who were more devout Catholics.
    The Kowboj

  • 40. Obvious  |  August 28th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Wait! Makaroni closed?! WTF!!!

  • 41. mx?  |  August 28th, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    they had me at “Glurg-glurg-glrbbl”.

  • 42. Plamen Petkov  |  August 29th, 2009 at 1:00 am

    kinda shortie. You could have been a LOT more detailed and maybe examined his voting record and showed us if he really was the “great man” they are making him to be. One thing is certain: nice government jobs with great benefits are damn hard to find and once you get it you do NOT let go until death. Since 1962, ey? Musta been nice.

  • 43. Grace Nearing  |  August 29th, 2009 at 5:02 am

    This is why those who hate Ted Kennedy hate him: he got away with violating the dead girl/live boy rule. As to why (some) Americans are more upset about dead dogs (Vicks) than dead girls, it goes like this, circa 1969 double-standard morality: dumb drunk bitch going off with dumb drunk rich playboy senator got what she deserved.

  • 44. adolphhitler  |  August 29th, 2009 at 9:48 am

    fuck that whore mary-jo…she got what she deserved

  • 45. Dark Sense of Humor  |  August 31st, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Gaydolf Titler, suck it. Didn’t you get your ass kicked in ’44, that’s 1944?

    On the article, I thought the article was hilarious. I knew they would have a one-liner of actual text. Ted Kennedy could have done a shitload more in the Senate with his reputation, had he not been such a coward.

    Yeah I said it. The Exiled and Ted Kennedy stand for the same thing. But the Exiled has balls and Ted Kennedy had power. This a brilliant way of making a point: most of the “lions” in the Senate have no balls.

    You know guys, maybe the line:


    refers not just to Ted Kennedy. Maybe, just maybe, it’s the Exiled asking American People to start giving a shit about their own pathetic lines so that Ames would have something better to report, than “the American Middle Class keeps on getting ass-raped”!

  • 46. gang hobomaker  |  August 31st, 2009 at 4:11 am

    murdure!! murdure!!!
    nothing better than pissin on a grand parade, from left to right and back again. rich boy justice rules.
    anyway, that party sucked at the end. and that kopek girl was cheap – get it?

  • 47. jindi  |  August 31st, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Ha! Killer article. Fuck the Kennedys.

  • 48. Bane  |  September 1st, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Kennedy was a pig and a bastard. I knew the old owner of La Brasserie where he and Chris Dodd sandwiched the waitress in the upstairs private dining room.

    The last time I saw Kennedy in person was in the Dirksen building on Capitol Hill in 2001 where he was trudging down the hallway with a sizeable entourage of 20-something babes posing as legislative aids. Got to give him credit for that, but nothing else.

    Thanks to Exile for remembering Mary Jo…none of our media outlets seem to.

  • 49. CB  |  September 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Damn, am I the only one here who thought that this was hi-LAR-ious, but doesn’t hate Ted Kennedy?

  • 50. pete  |  September 9th, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    A big fuck you to all Ted Kennedy fellaters, may you all suffer under the evils that he brought upon those others that you don’t give a shit about.

  • 51. Frank McG  |  September 16th, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    You can’t honestly tell me that anyone as hateful as all these Ted Kennedy haters actually give a shit about the girl. They hate Ted because he was a democrat, and they ESPECIALLY hate him because he was one of the most prominent and influential.

    Just ask yourself: had Cheney ended up killing his hunting buddy, would these same people have just as much undying venom for him? Of course not. Cheney was “their” team, and Ted was the “other”.

    One may or may not have committed vehicular manslaughter 40 years ago but went on to champion countless causes for the underprivileged. The other never directly killed anyone (only because he deferred out of Vietnam multiple times) but went on to start a war on false pretenses that sent more Americans to their deaths than 9/11.

  • 52. Drunken Economist  |  September 27th, 2009 at 5:22 am

    Funny. I hate the Chappa-killah because he killed a girl. And has been a liability to the American people ever since.

    Seriously, every time we elect a Kennedy or a Bush to office we get EXACTLY what we deserve.

  • 53. john stone  |  August 18th, 2016 at 6:17 pm

    Lest we forget August 25, 2009 Aug.29th 2016 will represent 9years of Total sobriety for Chappaquiddick Ted.

  • 54. john stone  |  August 18th, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Bet Mary Jo is Ass Raping that sick fat drunken Sot Ted Kennedy.

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