This piece was originally published at Not Safe For Work Corp
I’ve always hated Michael McFaul — and he don’t like me much neither.
We’ve carried on a sort of hate-hate relationship going back to the mid-1990s, when McFaul was former President Bill Clinton’s chief propagandist in Moscow, cheerfully assuring every foreign correspondent that Boris Yeltsin was the Thomas Jefferson of our day.
At my newspaper, The eXile, we called Boris Yeltsin out as the vodka-embalmed mass murderer he was, a “Walking Dead” version of the Godfather who shelled his own parliament, genocided Chechnya, and carved up the national wealth to the guys with the shiniest track suits.
McFaul didn’t like the way we reported Yeltsin’s Russia — as he wrote, “perception is reality” and Russia’s biggest problems were all the “pessimists” who didn’t dance atop the boneyard that was the Russian Federation in the 1990s. Then he called us “rapists” and got us censored from the only important Russia listserv at the time, serving all the Russia journalists, diplomats and think-tankers, at a time when Russia was still front-and-center of America’s foreign policy.
We didn’t like that. So we called McFaul a “Beigeist.” He didn’t get what we meant by “Beigeist.” So we defined the term a little more clearly, calling McFaul a “human golden retriever” who drools venom.
He got it, and really didn’t like it. So McFaul called us “fascists.” We didn’t like that, so we called McFaul a “Gillette Dry Look hairspray model” and “The Face of Evil” and “Dr. McFaulwell.” We called for the Russian government to arrest him immediately. We even blamed him for inciting racial tensions in California and for exploiting his illegal immigrant leaf blowers — you get the point.
We probably overdid it a bit. Things happen in the heat of the moment.
Ours has been an unhappy relationship, punctuated only by odd moments of schadenfreude. Like when McFaul publicly danced on The eXile’s grave when Putin’s goons shut us down and sent me snagglepussing back to the Free World a few years ago. Back then, McFaul was transitioning himself from Bush-era neocon whom nobody paid attention to, into Obama’s Russia specialist.
Like some kind of David Bowie of the think-tank world, McFaul reinvented himself through each successive wave of American Stupid — transforming himself into a woofing neocon, writing editorials calling for “regime change” during the Bush years — only to reinvent himself in 2008 as a karaoke Kissinger, wooing candidate Obama with realpolitik power-ballads. Obama wanted an amateur Kissinger, and McFaul delivered.
Through all the transformations, only one thing has remained steady: Michael McFaul’s grotesque ambition to one day rise to the post of US Ambassador to Russia, no matter what karaoke tune he has to sing or whose ass needs to be spit-shined.
Alas, this year, Michael McFaul was named US Ambassador to Russia. He’s all we’ve got protecting us from 5,000 loosely-guarded Russian nuclear missiles, and Putin’s hair-trigger.
Ambassador McFaul has nearly brought Armageddon on more than one occasion, almost always on account of his retarded understanding of the Russian language, which has become a running joke in the Russian media and a source of several near-diplomatic rows, leading us just seconds to midnight, a click away from DEFCON 1.
So it is with great pleasure and a heavy heart that I call your attention to the Hon. Ambassador Michael McFaul’s most recent diplomatic flub (h/t to the good folks at opposition-owned Newsru.com).
Earlier this month, on the eve of Independence Day, McFaul cheerfully tweeted out to his 26,000+ followers: “I’ll be in Yekaterinburg for the InnoProm Exhibition.”
Only problem is, Amb. McFaul didn’t write “Yekaterinburg.” For some reason, McFaul got the brilliant idea of replacing “Yekaterinburg” with “Yoburg” (Ёбург), meaning “Fuckberg,” or “Fuckville.”
He thought he was being colloquial and in-the-know. Instead, he was being an idiot. So the tweet from the US Ambassador to Russia cheerfully reads:
“Hey I’m heading to Fuckberg to the InnoProm Exhibition”
And with that tweet, McFaul launched a New Cold War — or as Newsru.com reported in an article headlined “Ambassador McFaul Forced To Apologize Over ‘Fuckberg’”:
“The American Ambassador to Russia, Michael McFaul, once again had to apologize for his use of Russian language, which he’s been having difficulty with lately.”
And then came the tweets.
One Russian tweeter @engineee replied earnestly:
“Michael, ‘YoBurg’ is an offensive lowlife’s word, you shouldn’t use it.”
Self-hating Russian @microzmija tweeted:
“Michael, you called that Urals shithole Sverdlovsk right!” [Sverdlovsk was the Communist-era name of Yekaterinburg.]
No doubt the most poignant tweet of all, the one favored by Newsru.com and others, came from some Russian D&D dweeb @dmitry_denb who uses an Alexander Nevsky avatar. He replied simply:
“You’re the fuckberg, MacFahk!”
Finally, @Alexey_Kovalev tweeted to McFaul in English:
“I love that US Ambassador to Russia @McFaul is referring to Yekaterinburg as Ёбург, colloquial name with horny overtones (lit. Fuckville).”
If McFaul had half a testicle left, he’d’ve tweeted back:
“Hey Borat, you know what I love? Your Third World ass renditioned to Guantanamo, with violent overtones (lit. Hell).”
But that’s not the McFaul way, dream as we might. His way is the shit-eating golden retriever that got McFaul the keys to the ambassador’s residence at Spasso House, and that same venomous golden retriever tweeted back to the suck-up:
“@Alexey_Kovalev I will never cut and paste again from another follower.The richness of the Russian laguage on Twitter continues to amaze me” [sic]
Yep, even after all these years, I can honestly say I still hate McFaul. And as long as he keeps entertaining me like this, I don’t plan to let that hate go anytime soon.
This was first published on Not Safe For Work Corp, the news magazine (with jokes) where I’m acting as editor-at-large. You should subscribe http://www.nsfwcorp.com/subscribe
Would you like to know more? Read “Mikey McFaul and the Three Bears” by John Dolan; “I, Michael McFaul, Writes Well” by Matt Taibbi; and “Der Neue McFaul” by Mark Ames.
Read more: beigist, golden retriever, michael mcfaul, New Cold War, the exile, twitter, Mark Ames, Russia Babylon
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41 Comments
Add your own1. http://www.ubcome.com/AsimovSaveCivilization.html | July 23rd, 2012 at 12:42 pm
can we get your guys take on super rich hiding 21 trillion?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-18944097
2. Alex | July 23rd, 2012 at 1:32 pm
The correct transliteration of @dmitry_denb’s tweet is whatever you say it is, O Almighty Exiled Censor. However, I will humbly (and incorrectly and humorlessly) offer my own transliteration: “You’re the fuckberg, MacFuck!”, not “MacFahk”. Now, I’ll go fahk off and die.
3. JosephW | July 23rd, 2012 at 2:00 pm
I’m a bit amazed how Russians seem to go for the sex meaning. I’ve found a Russian slang site that suggests the ë also happens to start a bunch of words meaning “stupid” and “moron” and “loony.” So that “Yoburg” could just as easily mean “fucked” in the sense “Damn! Those ten shots of tequila really fucked me up!” Hell, it could just as easily be used to mean “I don’t want to watch that fucking movie!” (Hell. I don’t think that Bono was looking for sex when he inadvertently dropped the “f-bomb” on TV. YMMV, of course, but I think that’s a lot of wishful thinking on your part.)
To automatically assign a “horny” meaning looks as though there are a bunch of Russkies who are just as sexually uptight as our own right-wingers.
4. Punjabi From Karachi | July 23rd, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Ames you’re such a cunt.
All that’s happened between the nineties and now is that you’ve gotten a little looser.
Also Aurora, Colorado pliss.
5. fuckburger | July 23rd, 2012 at 5:40 pm
I am Skeletor. I shall destroy you He-Man! Your counter-revolutionary ways are over! Now, I shall crush you, for I am Skeletor!
6. adam | July 23rd, 2012 at 5:47 pm
Wait, the ambassador to Russia, who has lived in Russia before, is still not competent enough in Russian to know that he was making a big slip-up?
7. Heywood Jablowme | July 23rd, 2012 at 7:48 pm
McFAIL.
8. John Drinkwater | July 23rd, 2012 at 8:01 pm
So pathetic that McFaul is the best guy the US Government has to send to Russia. Years ago, the exile repeatedly exposed McFaul as an idiot, and yet here he is with the top job in Russia. Shows how clueless Obama and Clinton are when it comes to, well, everything.
With such a weak and stupid government, we have to believe that revolution is within our grasp, somehow. But the left will probably have to get militant and appeal to the rank and file of the armed forces.
9. Ёбник | July 23rd, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Заебали! Пусть свои дети ебнут друг с другом над могилой мёртвой матери . . . rubba dubba.
10. Shenfield | July 24th, 2012 at 12:18 am
Oh, come on. You kinda liked being called fascists.
11. Sir Hendersson | July 24th, 2012 at 1:32 am
@Mr Drinkwater,
of course Ambassador McFaul is not the best in any meritocratic meaning of the word. But then again gentlemen must be able to trust other gentlemen when they claim to be able to speak foreign tongues. If top positions where appointed with references, background checks and the rest of that tiresome nonsense servants are subjected to, then competent but ultimately unreliable people might get appointed. Some might even be plagued by compulsive honesty.
This is important as one can not run an empire without an intellectually flexible diplomatic corps. Imagine the problems if for example some ambassadors publically remembered that the religious muslem tribesmen now supported in Syria are awefully similar to the religious muslem tribesmen that were the enemy a couple of years ago. Surely you agree that such public recollections would be a horrible thing for the empire.
12. Krokodile | July 24th, 2012 at 2:01 am
Kremlin hacked his tweeter!
13. tam | July 24th, 2012 at 2:03 am
@9
‘So pathetic that McFaul is the best guy the US Government has to send to Russia.’
I’m not sure if ‘best’ comes into it. According to the memoir of Craig Murray about his time as British ambassador in Uzbekistan,(a very funny read about an interesting part of the world) the most important embassy postings for the US are secured by the size of the donations to the president’s campaign funds
14. Krokodile | July 24th, 2012 at 4:19 am
Fuckvilletard cheers Exile snagglepussing its way back to the third world cockroach pit.
15. Trevor | July 24th, 2012 at 8:16 am
“Beigeist” should get more use. It’s so perfectly descriptive of the modern American consciousness and the closest our language has ever come to “poshlost.”
16. Vendetta | July 24th, 2012 at 8:52 am
What a fucking cartoon character this guy is. It’s like he walked straight out of a Family Guy episode. “This is just like the time I was hanging around downtown Fuckberg with Boris Yeltsin.”
17. darthfader | July 24th, 2012 at 4:02 pm
How . . . how does he still not know Russian, or anything about Russia? How is that possible?
18. zhubajie | July 24th, 2012 at 4:41 pm
@13, it’s been this way for at least a century. Maugham wrote about it in _Ashenden_, back in the ’20s.
19. Zoidberg | July 24th, 2012 at 7:33 pm
This guy’s a fucking moron. Also, all our money’s going to 3rd world tax haven shitholes and the Chinese are being hired to build infrascture. Did I mention our raping of the environment is FINALLY having a major negative impact. (FUCK YOU Republican Al Gore haters)
This is one truly, truly, truly, truly fucked country.
We are all in Fuckberg because we are ALL fucked. (except for the rich, like giant psychopaths doing life in prison they’re the ones doing all the fucking)
20. allah | July 24th, 2012 at 7:35 pm
этому гавноеду советую посетить прекрасный город опущенск
21. Dimitri Ratz | July 24th, 2012 at 8:13 pm
Mr. Foul is not mistaken. His the American version of Dmitri Rogzin that was sent to NATO to represent Russian view. Mr. Foul presents the American establishment’s that Russia is fucked up, that Russian language is not worth learning as its going to just die off and his statements of support for in circling Russia with a missile shields that he made at a Russian University of all places just underscores that he likens Russians to Indians. Basically Russian manifest destiny to run casinos, speak English, and service English gentlemen.
22. Michal | July 25th, 2012 at 4:06 pm
While no doubt what he said was stupid, I can’t help but feel sympathy for this beigeist. His second tweet was probably the best possible attempt at damage control.
As a person living in Czech republic, the future ground zero for nuclear war, I do appreciate beige politics to things like threatening twitter users with Guantanamo.
@21. Well, either you don’t know Rogozin or McFaul. American embassy in Moscow spends a lot of time on russian language thingers and various cultural events. McFaul apologised too. And I don’t think he’s ever even insinuated Russia, as a country, is fucked up beyond its politics. Which are fucked up, unless you so happen to think Putin is awesome.
Rogozin on the other hand is just a plain thug. Which might be impressive to some, but see my background.
23. Dimitri Ratz | July 25th, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Rogozin bringing an actual hatchet to NATO meeting was symbolic. He brought it to hand it to NATO to bury the hatchet. Mr. Foul called Russians savages on another occasion, and his published works on revolutions, meeting opposition funded by foreign money, lack of education on Russia the county his an Ambassador to, and his contempt for the media, something his supposedly should support speaks volumes. Russia is fucked up when 80% of people are poor that’s a good indicator, but when 200 mil is handed to the opposition, mostly Communist Party of Russian Federation, the aims of donors is clearly to undermine property rights and isolate Russia from modern integration, because Russia doesn’t jump like a little Czech bitch to implement sanctions just because few fat Congressman here in America said so.
24. Cum | July 26th, 2012 at 12:29 am
Hack vs. hack: Greenwald on Friedman
http://www.salon.com/2012/07/25/the_value_of_tom_friedman/
Greenwald and Matt Taibbi seem to like each other too it seems. So is there still some resentment here that Taibbi might have sold out or are our beloved exiles on good terms?
25. Michal | July 26th, 2012 at 5:44 am
@ 23. Actually McFaul never called Russians savages, he said Russia is a “dikaya strana”. I don’t speak Russian so let everyone make their own conclusion. If “dikaya” is similar to “divoká” ten it would mean “wild”. He said that in relation to being hounded by kremlin-friendly media. But taking individual sentences and spinning them is such a classical tactic of kremlin trolls – McFaul can hardly be somehow hateful of Russia, if he lived there twice before during his student years and came back in position of ambassador for more.
Well and Russia is a wild country, considering the way not only McFaul is treated, but also the opposition, minorities, and so on. All of which is again tied to politics. I’m sure even Mark & Yasha would acknowledge that Russia is a bit rougher on the edges of inter-personal conduct than some countries, especially now that their newspaper has been shut down.
I don’t know why should McFaul support (or be supported by) Russian media, considering vast majority of them get marching orders from Kremlin. You don’t really need to be a US ambassador to dislike paid shills the likes of RT, which gets money straight from the state budget. Yet he still gave interviews to RT and some other TV station.
Dimitry, it seems to me that honestly you’re just repeating Kremlin’s political line. Taking Rogozin for a nice guy when he tweets things like “Polar bear will kick NATO’s ass!”, repeating Putin’s propaganda about foreign funded opposition – I wonder, did the 100 000 protesters braving winter cold in Moscow do to it for money? – and you’re even barking like a lap dog when Putin complains about sanctions on whoever of his buddies has problems right now, no need to even be specific.
You want access to modern integration? How about having real elections, not killing political opponents, not budding with totalitarian regimes even in Europe, establishing separation of media and state, respecting property rights instead of having things like president-controlled companies that can seize any land they want to and so on, the list could go on forever. If Russia is isolated on international scene, then it’s nobody’s else’s victim, but a victim of its own illegitimate government. We just don’t want these ugly things in European Union or elsewhere.
26. one-eyed jesus lump | July 26th, 2012 at 9:35 am
How many fuckb3rgrrrs in fuckberg?
27. DrunktankDan | July 27th, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Hey guys, didn’t know where else to send you this link but I thought that it could be used as a policy strategy towards boomers here in the USA
http://www.nature.com/news/termites-explode-to-defend-their-colonies-1.11074
Also, I am paying your asses next week. I FINALLY am getting paid from my shitty job and I can start helping out after almost a year of free reading (I had the subscription for a while til I got laid off, but I have bought all the books etc.)
28. That's my name | July 28th, 2012 at 11:13 pm
Come on…It’s just mcfoul, a representative of that third-world destitute excuse of a banana republic.
Just another desperate American sucking around with a briefcase of selfmade worthless green paper.
Why should Russians even care about what he chirps.
29. Dimitri Ratz | August 1st, 2012 at 9:14 pm
I do speak Russian, and that wasn’t some flirtatious slip of calling someone wild, he referenced whole nation (“strana”, not to be confused with just country, as natcia is used exclusively for ethnicity for say hundred years now. There was no mistake that low life scum showed great condensation to the journalists that broke the story on his secret meetings. The hilarious part is the wrath was caused by savage Russians expectation of openness from an official.
The public statements by Western officials of funding for Russian Opposition, and joke of mas media here in the states with headlines like “the left front”, because they don’t have the balls to name the opposition their funding is called Communist Party of Russian Federation.
Michael I don’t believe anyone on this forum is stupid enough to believe fairy tales that foreign governments are going out of their way funding hard printed cash to other countries’ political system out of the goodness of their heart.
That’s almost as much horseshit as when all the headlines were saying Alawite inner circle suffers, calling it a cult, “off shot of Shittes”, when the Defense Minister of Syria was murdered by a suicide bomber. The Defense Minister was a devout Orthodox Christian. His only sin working in a secular state.
Russians are a savage nation. They do not understand those that are different. Just because someone is mutated, looks like a girl or boy, but is a boy doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to love whoever they want. Classifying this as propaganda is stupid, but enjoys majority support, and government is representative of their ignorance. Its just offensive to Russians, because who’s saying it. Not the fact that it’s a low life scum that claims absurd ideas and suggests a system so different from his own home country, but despite their savage views on life and over barring attachments to parents and obsession with approval of their parents as adults that’s sickening, Russians at least, giving them credit have a level of etiquette, and Ambassadors are held to account.
All the best to your bright future with Rogozin.
30. Dimitri Ratz | August 1st, 2012 at 10:42 pm
@25 Part ll – To Michal, a truly sorry example of worship Teli better then what people say, or secretary of coffee shop by the Embassy, maybe both.
First I should have a disclaimer. I don’t like Putin, his too short to be president for starters. Also his tongue so deep in British investors ass his first term, and total lack of deeper meaning of humanity. I do love Dmitri Medvedov, with his boyish looks and total image of holy Nicholas II, last Caesar of Russia.
Now going to east of the Dresden River, Elb, Elbe, or whatever ugly named river you have going there. You Michal, believe you deserve security at Russians expense. Euro trash broke more promises to the Russians than it took Yankees a century to stick it to the Indians. Putin was an idiot to believe and trust your gutter trash union after they relinquished on their promise not to move NATO eastward.
His pathetic pleading to be let into the North Atlantic Treaty Organization by referencing the original Russian request that was never denied to join makes me want to puke. His plan to slash Army to 300,000 while closing bases at Cuba and Vietnam was like a bad play from a naive politician from a Doctor Who episode.
Countless other concessions from transport to the most putrid existing two faced people on earth, devoid of anything. For example you say energy should never be used as a weapon when Russians tried charging market prices for their exports after years being talked down how Russia should do that to their domestic market, only to state publicly how Europeans will use energy as a weapon to further their political goals.
Muslims (Those polled in Middle East) think Americans are bad, and vice versa, but you Michal, your EU, UU is the definition of all that is wrong with humanity. It doesn’t matter, its too late, Russians are rebuilding their military, as brute force is all your kind understands.
31. Dimitri Ratz | August 2nd, 2012 at 10:59 am
This is a bit illinear, but this is my reply to post # 32. Please don’t read it until replying to my earlier posts Michal as it could have profound effects on space/time continuum, but seriously I’m going to be away for a bit. Now going back to subject of raping Russia and trying to off her off. I know its uncomfortable knowing Russia is making a knife in the other room and that you can’t stop her. Knowing she will cut off your balls and will shove it down your throat until you choke and die. I’m not a Russian or EU citizen. I’m here so you know, that the world knows what kind of sick mother fuckers you are, laughing at how pathetically thible you are as my sense in justice is renewed and almost confirmation in the possibility that god might exist. Cheers.
32. Dimitri Ratz | August 2nd, 2012 at 11:05 am
In the last sentence should be “as our sense in justice is renewed. Apologies about the typo.
33. Dimitri Ratz | August 2nd, 2012 at 8:46 pm
I’ve became too EUish. Just, because European Union is the most corrupt place without rule of law, where corrupt bureaucracy runs companies into the ground, where large million bonuses are common among companies bringing loses to shareholders their in trusted to protect, but don’t. Where governments not only condone, but fund these operations with common funds and where these models of free enterprise can’t get get such exploitations they cry foul. Russian companies from Lukoil (majority owned by shareholders in America) to Surgutneftegaz, to Gazprom, Gazprom Neft pay yearly dividends to their shareholders, regardless where the shareholder they deliver. And despite CEO pay being substantially higher then regular worker, Russian companies bring in on average 20% return a year for the whole index, and have half a trillion in gold and foreign currency reserve to back currency. 75% of Bulgarians don’t want the Euro, the evil elites might not be left for Russians to avenge, because their own people might not let many left with 30% unemployment. Whatever hell EUs want for themselves, I’m washing my hands of their future. I’m not going drop to their level wishing worse on others and try to remind they of their ills. I don’t want to become like they, eating away at my soul, left with nothing, but false statements and word play to make their lives bearable.
34. Jedi Mind Trick | August 4th, 2012 at 9:33 am
Why can’t McFaul just hire a local who actually knows the language to write his tweets?
Is he literally that incompetent?
35. Michal | August 4th, 2012 at 12:47 pm
OK
36. Dimitri Ratz | August 4th, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Not OK. Your expectation and policy of granting equal rights to minorities in your countries while tarring down their entire countries and exploiting from the far while justifying from afar by condescending other much ancient costumes from Asian references to gold born sunshine gay sounding references to policies where people get refrigerators as rewords when those countries get 4 gold despite all the sanctions and hurdles in their way.
After failing miserably at blocking independent sovereign countries in Africa from forming now resorting to undermining Chinese sovereignty over their South China Sea while making ridicules claims that somehow China’s internal waters are Chinese policy on controlling international waters which are as ridiculous as demanding access of great lakes to Indonesia.
Direct foreign funding under “green initiative” to protest and undermine India’s energy infrastructure development that even its diverse landscape protested few years back thankfully limiting outages to few days for over half of India instead of full collapse this year.
Claiming peaceful protest in Syria turned violent after months of crackdowns by administration in Syria when deaths of police numbers were one third of all deaths gradually increasing from day one, numbering over 2500 police officers before your evil destitute empire clawing to its backword decaying power resorted to large scale terrorist funding not scene since funding the terrorist Al Quida/ Teliban in the 80s.
All dominance, all power has its lifespan, EU is coming to an end, unwilling to go into retirement home after its youth of killing and pillaging still think it can do that when the world changed. The world outgrew the EUshins, its time for the old EU to die with the past, to die with its hate, not to resort to futile attempts, extreme death gasps of attacking its neighbors at Libya, only cementing their future generations to servitude by reducing black Libyans to having their dicks cut off by Arab supremacists there instead of investing in your kids future.
37. aleke | August 9th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
hahahahahahah American funding the Communist Party ahahha now THAT is one dumbass conspiracy. They fund liberal opposition. The biggest nightmare to America is if the KPRF takes power, like they should’ve in 1996.
38. Dimitri Ratz | August 10th, 2012 at 11:15 pm
That is the opposition dumb ass. The protests in Moscow, beside the 250,000 in support of the administration was by in large the Communist Party. The leaders of the defunked 90s publicly put their support behind the KPRF as I quote “a vote of fuck you to those in power” prior to the election. They couldn’t master the 7% needed to get deputies into Duma (Congress) so of course they indorsed the main opposition. The EU government funding of political opposition was very open, they gave detailed explanations of how its to make Russia better, more democratic, and disclosed specific amounts to the public.
39. Dimitri Ratz | August 10th, 2012 at 11:26 pm
And American establishment followed up by not only admitting to the funding, but went publicly on who has the largest dick, quoting specific amounts that are larger and how their dedicated to continue the support. It all backfired, because at today’s electronic age that wasn’t a good call.
40. Dimitri Ratz | August 10th, 2012 at 11:33 pm
Furthermore, unlike trade with China, the trade between Russia and United States is none existent as it stands at less than 2%. So there is no detrimental effect on America if Russia goes to hell economically from political instability.
41. Dimitri Ratz | August 10th, 2012 at 11:42 pm
Also the fact that Russia added 120 new aircraft to its Air force last year alone, just in 2011, is very disturbing to many politicians that tie their influences to their perceived military strength, and their public statements on containing Russia, underlining their policies are for that purpose, for example McCain, even thou the Obama Administration says otherwise is very telling.
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